Recent Posts

Topic: Depression / Feeling like a failure

I’ve been having a lot of problems with starting fresh with school this year. Last semester, I had a very bad experience. I gave up hope as far as my classes went, I wasn’t asked to come back for my job because of my absenses and tardies. I started taking medicine to help me get feeling back and in hopes of starting to care about my life but that just made me sleep more and miss more. I failed most of my classes due to absenses and just basically made lots of mistakes. My anxiety about being on campus was too much to deal with. I thought in the fall things would get better. I started dating someone at the end of the year and through the summer who worked with me on campus, so I thought that would help since I didn’t have any friends there. He makes me have a lot of fun so I thought I was back. In high school I got great grades, was involved in school, and had a pretty nice group of friends. They probably wouldn’t even know me now. My boyfriend is living that way now. He’s an honor student, he has a million friends, goes to parties all the time, and has been working at the library for 3 years. We’re really close now and I pretty much tell him everything. I ‘ve noticed lately though that since school has started I’ve been unbelievably depressed. When we talk I’m crying about my roommate or not wanting to be on campus because I feel like such an outsider or I’m saying how much I wish I could erase what happened last semester. I regret telling him this though because although I know he’d never say anything to make me feel this way, I feel extremely incompetent. I feel like his girl friends are probably so much smarter and so much more social. I feel like I drag him down. I don’t even know why he’s with me because I just feel like such a failure

Topic: Anxiety and Stress / Life is falling apart

im 16 and my mom lost her job two months ago. She still hasn’t found one and things seem to be getting worse. Im about to lose my cell phone, i dont hang out with my friends anymore and i might have to change schools. Its really hard for me to make new friends that I trust like the ones I have there. the hardest part to deal with is that i dont have a good relationship with my mom and I dont really talk to her,(This has been going on for awhile and probably wont change)but, when i ask if I could go hang out with my friends she says things like “no we cant go that far”,“your so inconsiderate” etc. that make me feel like a bad person for wanting to have a life. I also cant stand that its time for me to start making plans for college and not being sure if i can afford it. Im really concerned about my future. I have a younger brother and sister but they dont seem as affected by this as I do.
This has happened before about four years ago and knowing that if a change does come soon makes it harder to look forward to tomorrow. Football is the only time I actually completely forget about my problems but it also stops me from getting a job to help. what can I do to help? How can i calm myself down?

Topic: Feel Better Support Group / Feel Better Friday - Choices

GOOD MORNING ON THIS BEAUTIFUL FEEL BETTER FRIDAY!

I hope you are having a wonderful Friday with so many looking forward to a three day weekend. Do you ever consider the people that don’t get these days off? Considering those people is one of the ways to make the choice of being grateful. Some will be happy for the three days off and some will think they would be happier if they got four. Some don’t even have jobs and would give anything to work any day possible. Remember that you have a choice on how you feel about everything in your life. You can be grateful for what you have or be forever wanting more. I hope you will be making a choice today…..a choice to be grateful for your many blessings.

Please let me know if I can help you today.
Love and Light,
Coach Yvonne

Topic: Feel Better Support Group / Seeking Happiness

Our arguments often start with temper getting the best of me and me starting an argument over something as stupid as him being busy using his phone and then I refuse to talk to him. I often feel neglected even though he is spending time with me. He spends an abundance of time texting a particular friend and it gets really frustrating. It feels a bit rude since he does it so often. I used to just blow up at him and start arguing and now I would rather walk away to avoid an argument. He says it’s childish but I’ve addressed this issue with him before and he still manages to do it. He says that no one will tell him what to do and how often to do it. He went on to say that he feels that we are happier when we are not in a relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend, that the label was affecting us negatively. So as of right now we are working on our friendship and working from there. Afterwards I feel like a failure and like I can’t do anything right. I don’t want to keep hurting myself and him in the process. I’m thankful that he has been hanging out with me more, talking to me more and opening up a lot more then he used to. I want to break this vicious cycle and this pattern I have continued. What kind of a solution is there for me? I need help breaking this pattern. I’m currently a student working a part-time job which doesn’t pay much and in the meantime seeking unemployment. Financially and emotionally things are tough right now. What brings me excitement is writing and trying new things. I will graduate sometime in January and thrust into the real world. I am happy when I spend time with my ex and we just enjoy each other’s company as well. In my future I am working for a lucrative newspaper or magazine. I also imagine spending the rest of my life with my ex. He is my friend and significant other. I don’t want to give up that dream. My love for him transcends anything I have ever felt before. It hurts to know that he planned a trip for us and was going to give me a commitment ring and now that just breaks my heart. The apartment that we were going to get together and the car. Those are just painful to know and I am not willing to lose that. The problem I made in the past was putting his happiness before my own and now I am doing things that make me happy. I don’t think I’m misdirecting anything but I am fixated on solving this because of how much he means to me. I see a future with him and I want to do anything in my power to work on myself for my happiness and ours.

Topic: Feel Better Support Group / SI?

Hi Darkness,

The cutting gets worse when the pain gets worse. What is the pain about? It’s important to be real about it, speak about it, and let it out. Cutting is a physical way to release pain, and very harmful … physically leaving scars and emotionally reminding you of the pain each time. If you really want to be done, the first step is releasing the pain in a real way, which may seem scary at first, but gets very comfortable the more you do it. See, to share in a real way you have to lower that wall you mentioned, which is like lowering your battle strategy and may trigger fear. The key is to share in a safe way, recognize you are free from your abuser, and learn to trust again. I’m very glad you have a counselor to work with in person and I hope you share with them your feelings about the cutting getting worse and needing to keep that wall. You can share here in a very safe way, to start to release what is inside of you in healthy way … a way that will lead to healing and better days.

I’m here to listen.

Warmly,

Nova

Topic: Feel Better Support Group / i just dont know anymore what to do next

Hi Pamela,

Thank you for sharing. I’m glad you are reaching out. It sounds like you are really need support right now.

How would you like be treated? What’s important for your daughter’s well being?

What do you need most right now to feel safe?

I’m here for you.

Nova

Topic: Feel Better Support Group / Do I have an Eating Disorder?

Hi Megan,

Just thinking of you, and hoping you are doing well.

Summer went sooo fast!

Let me know how you are doing. :)

Hugs. Nova

Topic: Relationships / Please hel p me

Hi Puremotherlove. Good for you working to support your baby. It sounds like you are feeling unsupported and alone right now.

Tell me more about your relationship with your husband. How did you meet and why did you decide to marry him? What did you fall in love with?

Tell me what your ideal marriage would look like.

Would your ideal relationship ever be possible with your husband?

Looking forward to hearing back.

Nova

Topic: Feel Better Support Group / Seeking Happiness

I thinkxposed. I hear what you are saying. You long to be “with” him, but your relationship is at a friend level now which feels like 3,000 steps away from his heart.

I’ve noticed a theme in your posts … starting arguments that you wish you wouldn’t. Please share an example of an argument, your feelings at the time, how he reacts, and how you feel after. Patterns tend to repeat themselves until you find solutions. So let’s work on identifying this pattern.

I’d also like to hear more about YOU. Where are you at in your life? What brings you excitement and joy? What would you like your future to look like?

Do you think it is possible your quest for happiness is being misdirected at an ex-boyfriend when really the quest is within yourself?

Deep question I know. :)

Looking forward to hearing back.

Warmly,

Nova

Topic: Feel Better Support Group / Wednesday Welcome

Hello,

How are you? I’m so glad you stopped by. I’d love to hear from you.

Send me a post by replying here or clicking New Topic and create your own question. I will reply back just for you!

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Warmly,

Life Coach Nova

Topic: Relationships / Please hel p me

he used to tell me . dont irritate me i want to be peaceful.how can i disturb him always/please tell me th e solution.

Topic: Relationships / Please hel p me

Thank you very much Kathy.
Atleast you considered my mail.i waited for the reply .nobody replied me.
several times i spoken to my hubby. its uselss he never understsnd my feeling.he needs only money not my love.

Topic: Relationships / Please hel p me

Hi PureMother. I am sorry to hear you’re struggling, it sounds like it’s been a rough time for you and your husband. Have you talked with your husband about how you’re feeling? If so, please tell me a bit more about what he said….

Topic: Anxiety and Stress / Anxiety about evrything..

Hi PaintingSushi. I love your screen name…probably because I love sushi and painting, haven’t tried both at the same time though. :)

It does sound like you have anxiety and that you’ve had it for a while. Yes, it is normal to have some anxiety from time to time, but…if you’re having panic attacks, that is something we should do something about.

If you feel comfortable, can you tell me a bit more about your anxiety and panic attacks, as well as anything you’ve tried to make them better? Then we’ll take it from there.

Warmly,
Kathy

Topic: Depression / Im in so much pain inside that i cant stop crying in class and it gives me stress headaces and non of my friends r helpin

Hi Tabstar and Stace. Thanks for your notes. It can be really scary to think of going to a counselor, so know that a lot of people (maybe most people!) feel the same way. However, when you’re feeling really low, it’s an important time to reach out to professionals who can help. We’re trained to be nonjudgmental and most of us really love the people we’re taking care of. So, if you were going to go and talk to someone, what would you feel comfortable sharing on your first visit?

Topic: Feel Better Support Group / Confused Skeptic

Hi M_Who. Welcome to FBN. We’re glad to have you with us.

I am really sorry for all you’ve been through and I can understand why you’d have such a hard time trusting J. After our trust has been broken once, let alone twice, it’s hard to trust someone again. Your feelings are completely normal and really understandable.

You asked how to rebuild trust, well, that’s a tough one. There’s no one, easy way. It’s a bit of a process.

Think of how you begin to trust someone in the first place. You begin by asking them to do small things to show trust (i.e., meet you on time, watch your jacket while you get tickets, open the door, etc.). Then you move on to bigger things. Over time, you gradually increase the difficulty level and importance of the tasks, right?

So, if you wanted to this with J, how could you move forward? What is your trust level like now and how could you give him things to do to prove he is trustworthy?

Hope this helps…look forward to hearing from you.

Warmly,
Dr Kathy

Topic: Feel Better Support Group / Confused Skeptic

Hi everyone,

This is new for me to be posting on an online counseling website. I’m a little surprised that I’m even here but I feel the need to reach out for advice from a party that is not from my group of friends. I am glad that this service is provided, and encourage it to be continued. Like many others, I feel comfortable typing things out and do not feel comfortable venturing out for help in person (just yet, anyway). I am a little afraid that I won’t be taken as seriously since there probably are so many similar cases to mine out there. It is also a very long read. That being said, I can only try and see what happens, right?

About two years ago, I met a guy, let’s call him J, and hit it off right away. I’d known him through my other friends but then had the opportunity to finally meet up with him and hang out with him for 6 weeks (I was at a professional music training summer institution). We hooked up and I was hopeful that we would get together as a couple right away. He was hesitant to do so, and I didn’t know what to do other than still remain friends and be happy with each other’s company. We continued growing closer, hanging out and sleeping with each other that summer, and even after the summer institute was over.

We’d gotten very close, and I had never felt closer to anyone my entire life (having been in 2 past intense emotional relationships). The problem was, 7 months later, I found out he had not broken up with his girlfriend the whole time. It’s kind of a mystery how he was able to be so discreet about it and get away with it.

Now, it’s hard to setup the situation from here, since I’ve set J up in a negative light for what he did. But, you have to understand where him and his girlfriend at the time came from. I can vouch for him and his ex that they were in a rocky, unstable, unhealthy relationship for 4 years. I know this after talking to her, our mutual friends, J himself, etc. that they were on again off again (they’d broken up twice before). By the time I came into the picture, J and his girlfriend stopped sleeping with each other (only twice within the 7 months that he was with me). I am NOT justifying what he did to hurt me/that girl, but I believe everyone has their own baggage, and should not be judged guilty and placed in a category without knowing their being and true motive.

Nonetheless, what ended up happening was that his girlfriend at the time stormed out, cut him off, and never talked to him again. His girlfriend of 4 years was able to cut him out of her life at that one given moment. I, on the other hand, albeit hurt, still loved him very much so I decided to give him a second chance. I was aware how much of a risk that was but J meant the world to me. Even though he had kept that one (arguably large) secret from me, I can say without hesitation that he and I connected emotionally and spiritually as best friends. We agreed to keep no secrets, and work on being a true couple.

A few months passed, and through spending more time with each other, healing, and learning to trust again, we moved in with each other. I am aware that this was hasty. It went well enough, and I saw a lot of progress on his health as well. He was a heavy drinker (drank every night) and smoker (perhaps 6-7 cigarettes a day) and began to cut down a lot. Soon there wasn’t a bottle of alcohol in sight, and he only smoked outdoors at night.

A year passed, and we were both in a good place. We didn’t argue much (other than couples’ squabble) and also met each other’s families. Sometimes though, out of bad/old habit, he would forget to call me before staying out late at night with his friends drinking (until 3-4am). He does not have a cell phone, and it would slip his mind to call. I tried making it clear to him that I did not like this at all, and would like if he called. He usually went out once every weekend. After talking to him, he sometimes called, then forgot again.

By him doing this, it caused me to become completely scared and irrational. I’ve always been somewhat of a paranoid personality, and being alone at home at night did not help my negative feelings. Even though I knew who he was out with (it was usually only one of his three/four guy friends), I would start thinking, “Oh, what if he’s out with a girl?”, “Why does he want to spend his nights out so late without me?”, etc. Completely unhealthy, untrusting thoughts. Whenever he did call though, I’d feel better, but had trouble letting him know EVERYTIME, right away, why I was upset, since I didn’t want him to feel that I didn’t trust him. He only went out once a week, while the rest of the time, he’d be at home with me or at work. I was being irrational, but he wasn’t helping by giving me no notice before/during he was out until 3-4am.

Then February 2010 hit and I was becoming stressed out from work, and had health issues. I had to take a step back from sex as I was experiencing health issues. J, on the other hand, already stopped sleeping with me as much as he was experiencing his seasonal depression. Through the two years I knew him, his libido sometimes went high for a week, to absolutely nothing at all for 3 weeks. I was starting to feel that we were drifting apart and it was partially my fault. I was also worried at the time about work, having to put on a performance for people in a short amount of time, and dealt with confidence issues. I started saying things like he didn’t understand, and how hopeless my future looked. The whole time I’d just wanted for him to show that he cared, but I think I ended up pushing him away instead by crying all the time.

J started to hang out with one of his good friend’s sister (we’ll name her L). They got close within the month of March and I started getting even more paranoid on the one night he would be out during the week and did not call. This time, I KNEW there would be a girl as opposed to none. J then made the mistake, twice, to leave his email open on my laptop. I was wrong, and started reading his emails that transpired between him and L. They showed signs of flirting (him apologizing for holding her hand after a night of drinking, giving her and her brother a hand massage, sharing a taxi, him loving her company and how funny she is, etc.).

It was becoming a mess really quickly, as I started wondering where he was one day when he didn’t call in the afternoon. I knew that he wouldn’t always be hanging out with her alone, but his opened email showed that he was at her place. I was scared out of my mind because I didn’t see any mention of L’s brother being there as well. The email also said how he’d be bringing her a gift of nice expensive coffee and gin for them to share.

I called L’s brother (since I’m also friends with him), and asked where J was—finding out that the three of them were going to hang out later on. I was invited out by L’s brother (not J) and what ended up happening is that the 4 of us ended up hanging out together. It put some of my fears away, since I’d gotten to be present at one of their meetings as opposed to being left out like I usually was. But the second time J left his email open, showed that the flirting didn’t stop.

After that, it was all downhill. I started checking his emails on my own, since I knew his password.

This was such a bad thing. I know. Privacy is something to be respected. I broke that rule for selfish reasons that ended up paying a pretty heavy price. I just couldn’t stop myself, and reading into EVERYTHING that transpired between J and L. There was nothing that showed evidence that they crossed the line, so it was hard to come out and accuse J of anything. It was me being petty as well, having old fears come and haunt me. I was having a lot of issues trusting J.

I finally came out to him after a month of keeping the email reading a secret. Although he was surprised and upset, J appreciated what I did and told me nothing was going on between him and L. He admitted to having a crush on her initially, but didn’t want anything more because of our relationship. I felt better, but freaked out that he even admitted to liking her a little bit. Our relationship didn’t seem to get much better from there. It went through a week of being better/mediocre, to him being distant/cold due to his seasonal depression (he did not even realize he was being cold).

By this point in May, I felt like we were so distant that we weren’t in a relationship anymore. We weren’t intimate with each other (even though I really felt like I put in the effort), and I still felt like I had trust issues. I was still looking into everything that he was doing (his landline phone’s history, internet browser history, etc.) and it bothered me whenever he talked about L (which wasn’t even often).

Then he fell into a fairly bad case of seasonal depression again, and actually stopped talking to me for four days straight (with the exception of really dead, one-word answers). I felt sick to my bones, and avoided being at home during those 4 days. It felt like he didn’t want me around anymore and I didn’t really even know what was going on in his head.

We had another talk and I told him I hadn’t felt happy in a long time and I wanted out. It came as a surprise to him, but he wanted me to be happy. We had an emotional breakup, but still very loving, as we held each other and reassured each other we would like to remain friends.

It was a bit of a surreal experience. I could not move out right away so we remained broken up, but living in the same place for 2 months. He started to come out of his seasonal depression, and seemed like himself again. Because of that, we tried fighting sleeping with each other, but still did, feeling good and bad after doing so. I know it wasn’t the right thing to do, but we still love each other very much. We just also didn’t want to hurt each other and confuse things even further.

So, August came and I finally moved out. The distance has made things a little better. I still feel miserable though. I’d broken up with him because I felt like he didn’t love me anymore, but that wasn’t the case. I have major trust issues to work out but I don’t even know if it’s salvageable at this point. J’s looking into becoming a pilot and enrolling in flight school next year so he might be gone for a few years. We still call each other perhaps once or twice a week. We’ve also hung out three times on fairly amicable terms. I can’t help but feel like he’s still going to get together with L though.

He told me that he’s been sleeping at L’s place this past week while she’s on a trip and taking care of her cat. He feels it’s harmless, but it drives me to a really angry, offensive place. It makes me feel like even though they’re NOT together, they’re going to get together. Him being nice, making her appreciating it, resulting in him feeding off her positive energy, and so on.

I’ve debated messaging/calling L to tell her everything, and asking her what her intentions are. I know this is not my business, but I can’t help but wonder because I feel J can’t be straight with me. It’s very strange because on one side, I trust him completely as the being I know like the back of my hand, and on the other, there’s a shady figure of J from the past when he cheated on me that I still remember. The shady figure became stronger and malicious with when I read J’s emails.

How do I get rid of that mistrust? Is there a way? Couples’ counseling? Neither of us can afford that at the moment. I can’t have him telling me what he does or where he is every day, since I’m not even his girlfriend anymore. I don’t want to be controlling, yet I don’t even have control over my own feelings.

Another issue is that I can’t get to sleep at night because of this. I cannot relax. I can’t enjoy a lot of things in my life right now. I went through a week of being quite content, but then after being around J, I fall into a really negative space. Why is this? We are best friends. Both of us want to remain that way but are you seriously going to tell me that it is not possible, and that not talking to him for some time is the answer? I feel like me being away will make him reach out to someone else, perhaps L.

It’s just really hard to tell him every time that L still upsets me. I feel like it offends him a little bit every time. He still says that nothing is going on between them and can’t anyway, since he doesn’t want to risk losing the friendship of L’s brother. Whenever I bring this kind of topic up, it damages J and my relationship further.

I’ve been trying to do more things on my own that I enjoy (art, cooking, reading, etc.), but when it comes to thinking about relationships, I can’t handle it. I don’t know if I can ever have a trusting relationship again. I not only feel lonely, but depressed to think that J might end up with someone else. At the same time though, I feel like I don’t really want to be with him right now. My libido is also completely shot. I’m not attracted to anyone, I feel really dead inside. Erotica of any sort does not work, and usually results in me crying.

So…

Please, tell me what’s wrong with me. Because I don’t really even know. More importantly, I need to know what I need to do from here. I am lost.

Thank you for reading this if you’ve stuck with me the whole time. It means a lot to me and I hope we can work something out from here.

Topic: Feel Better Support Group / Seeking Happiness

I have been hanging out with my ex as friends and obviously things are confusing because I have feelings still there. He is a great person and I don’t want to lose him. I have made so many mistakes and he is still here for me. He has such a great heart but has hit his breaking point in our relationship. We are friends right now but I want to be more. I know it’s too soon and that things would be as they were before with the constant arguments. Today I started a stupid argument and I need to learn to control my anger. I see a future with him and don’t want to lose that or my friendship with him. It feels weird spending time with him as a mere friend but if that’s what it takes I have to do it. There were so many plans for our future together we had planned which hurts now that we don’t really know if we’ll get us back.

Topic: Feel Better Support Group / I need help with growing up and being mature.

Hi mz80. Thanks so much for your note. It sounds like you’re really struggling to figure out when to get your license. I think the simplest answer is probably this: when YOU are ready. Note that I said you, not your sister, your mom, your neighbor, or your friends.

So, what does it mean for you to be ready for your license? How will you know when you are ready?

I look forward to hearing more from you.

All my best,
Dr K

Topic: Feel Better Support Group / controlling behaviors

Hi Mzee. Wow, I am impressed! You have done such a good job of analyzing your behaviors and thinking about why you do things. Great, great work!

So, let’s take it to the next step.

You’ve started journaling, what trends do you see in your notes?

Also, as you have been thinking about your relationship, tell me: if you COULD control everything, what would be different? How would you feel?

I look forward to hearing more from you.

Warmly,
Dr K

Topic: Feel Better Support Group / Want to heal from a fight? Soothe!

It’s interesting, one thing I notice about the couples I take care of is that they forget how to be nice to each other. Often, a couple will come in and start fighting. Then, I will ask one of them to soothe the other….they look at me curiously, as if they are thinking, “Huh? Soothe? What do you mean?”

I’ll say, “Ok, so if your child fell down and was hurt, what would you do?” Very quickly, someone will say, “Oh well, I’d walk over, scoop up my son in my arms, and tell him everything will be ok.” I ask, “Hmmn, I wonder what would happen if you did that (or something like that) to your husband when things are not going well?”

Try it yourself….and let me know what you find. Even though we all grow up, we still have that child inside us that longs for softness and soothing.

Warmly,
Dr Kathy

Topic: Feel Better Support Group / Emotion first, then logic....

I have long believed that if we treated our spouse with the attention and care that we show our children, we’d have longer-lasting marriages. By saying this, I certainly don’t mean to imply that we should subtract some attention from our kids and give it to our spouses, but rather, that we should approach our spouse’s hurt feelings with the same mindset we approach our hurt children. To illustrate this point, think about how you would respond to your child if she was out riding her bike and fell down. Would you run over and say, “Oh jeez, Kate, I can’t believe you didn’t listen to me, and you don’t have your helmet on, and last month when we talked about riding bikes, I told you to be more careful!” Hopefully not. I imagine you’d say, “Oh honey, I am so sorry you’re hurting, don’t worry, it will be okay, I am here with you,” as you scooped your daughter up in your arms. Guess what? Most of us would love to be responded to in this way when we’re hurt or upset. We long for emotion, for connection, for sympathetic understanding. Only when we feel that someone understands our pain do we start to relax enough to hear what the other person is saying. So start conversations with your spouse by expressing some affection, then work in some of the ideas you have for making things different and better.

As adults, we like to believe we have matured so much, have become so sophisticated, that we look at children’s fairytales and wonder how we ever believed in them. However, the reality is that most of us deeply long for the kind of love hinted at in those very same fairy tales. What we really want is much deeper, much richer, and much more powerful: it’s the love that lasts forever. You can have that love by paying attention, every day, to the helpful hints above and remembering that whatever you nourish, will indeed flourish!

Topic: Feel Better Support Group / Be kind, DON'T rewind when talking about your relationship

Perhaps one of the most talked-about behaviors to avoid is the act of sand-bagging, gunny-sacking, or bringing up past wrongs during a current argument. When you are in a discussion with your spouse, try to focus on your feelings and avoid playing the game of “Well, you did this, so I did that.” Sadly, no one finds that game to be fun and it isn’t effective communication. Stick to one issue at a time, try to stay on topic, and focus on why you felt what you did. Then talk about how you can work together as a team to resolve the issue. Always keep in mind that you want to find a way to work through an issue in a loving way. The best way to do this is to try to imagine how your partner is feeling, speak softly, and focus on how you can help your partner to stay calm. When we’re angry and flooded with emotion, it’s impossible for us to think logically.

Topic: Feel Better Support Group / Gottman's Four Horsemen

Another well-regarded couples expert, Dr. John Gottman, has written several best-selling self-help books about making marriage last. In his books, Gottman describes the four horsemen, also known as the four behaviors that will sink your marriage, and they are: criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling. Most of us are familiar with the first two – criticism and defensiveness. Being overly critical of your partner, complaining about their every behavior, and constantly critiquing your spouse are behaviors that are not compatible with relationship success. Equally troublesome is being highly defensive: if your partner cannot tell you anything that troubles them without your getting upset, angry, and defensive, then pretty soon your partner will stop telling you much of anything! Contempt is a heightened form of criticism, where one actively attacks their partner’s character, belittles them, insults them, and really tries to tear down their self-esteem. Stonewalling occurs when one person simply refuses to respond to the other—a stonewaller may walk away in the middle of an argument, ignore their spouse completely, or mentally check-out during a discussion. All couples act in some of these ways during their marriages, but when the four horsemen become the norm—rather than the exception—the relationship has a high likelihood of failing. In fact, Gottman’s research reveals that 80% of couples who actively allow the four horseman to run wild in their relationships end up in divorce.

Topic: Feel Better Support Group / Is your relationship in a negative cycle?

Dr. Sue Johnson, one of the most prominent psychologists in the world of couples counseling, recently wrote a ground-breaking book called Hold Me Tight. In this text, Johnson describes how most struggling couples are caught in a negative cycle. A negative cycle is a never-ending feedback loop, where each of you make the other out to be the bad guy. Everyone feels hurt, unheard, and pushed away when caught in this cycle. When you’re in the cycle, the more one of you attacks, the more dangerous that person appears to be; the more one of you looks for attacks, the harder the other hits back. To keep your relationship happy and healthy, actively look out for and try to stop negative cycles from happening. Look at your behavior and ask yourself: why am I doing this? Am I attacking him because I want him to know how hurt I am? If so, instead of trying to convey your feelings through a hurtful jab, slow down, calm down and try to honestly say how you feel. For example, saying, “Honey, I am hurt because you have gone golfing with your buddies the last four Saturdays and haven’t asked if I’d like to spend a Saturday with you, and I would.” You will get a much better result from sharing your hurt feelings than by trying to hurt someone and then expecting them to figure out why you are upset.