I am new

Greetings,

I am new here and at the end of my rope. A little background on me is that I was a cutter since I was a young child. That was how I dealt with a chaotic upbringing. Luckily I managed to stop cutting but I am now dealing with the underlined issues which have manifested themselves in the form of panic attacks, anxiety and physical problems with my health. I managed (by myself and without medication) to get the panic attacks under control. However, found that my problems are taking a huge toll on my marriage. I have no family for support and only one friend who lives out of state so my only real support I get is from my Husband who it’s very clear is miserable because of all of this. I know I have more work to do with stress managing and pushing through the last things that trigger me. Though lately because my Husband and I are having issues this is starting to make me back slide with different symptoms of panic I have never dealt with.

My questions are…if anyone can answer…How in the world do I keep my marriage together while trying to fix myself when my Husband says one thing (“I want to be with you and support you.”) but says another (“I only have limited patience, I am not going to stick around forever dealing with this”). Also, how do I keep my panic attacks and anxiety in check (as well as keep healing) while dealing with all of this?

Please note I understand he is frustrated- so am I.

Thanks for your help.

Dear OpheliaRising,

Thank you so much for being brave and sharing your story. I’m here to help and support you. It sounds like you have put a great deal of energy into controlling and learning new behaviors to help you cope with very uncomfortable feelings. As we move through life, underlying issues can surface and cause anxiety especially for someone who has been working hard to cope. When new issues come to surface think of it as an opportunity for greater healing and better understanding of yourself. This shift in thinking will pull out your strengths and resources aiding in your belief that you can handle this.

Start talking to yourself in a way that reaffirms how strong you really are. You have turned away from a destructive coping mechanism and were successful. That takes a lot of strength and courage. I would like you to begin a journal here online found in your member tools section. The first section of this journal will be about all the wonderful qualities, strong attributes, and what you do well. Do not second guess yourself, just write away.

Emotions that are held in for periods of time settle in your body. Anxiety feels very physical and panic attacks can be scary. Be sure to visit your doctor to check-in and discuss any physical symptoms you have. You say you managed to get your panic attacks under control. What has worked for you in the past? Write down the steps that work well. I’d like to help you develop a plan, so I would love to hear back to know what has helped you.

Dealing with “underlying” issues: First, let them out in a safe way. Cutters tend to turn inward in silence to release their pain in a physical way. I’m so proud of you for conquering this struggle. Finding an outlet that allows you freely express your emotions will help “release” the settled emotions in your body. You state in your post you need help with the last “triggers” to push through. Certain emotions like anxiety and anger can boil inside of us, when they stay boiling for a while one more drop can cause them to boil over. Explore what emotions are still lingering for you. Is it anger? When you identify the emotion(s), let’s talk about how you can work through it together. Understanding and labeling this feeling will help you feel more in control and help with the panic feeling.

The next part of your post, your marriage. It sounds like you need support, and yet feel guilty for having this struggle. We all have struggles OpheliaRising. Let go of the idea that you need “fixing.” Let go also of the idea that your anxiety and panic is causing misery. While our actions, behaviors and communication can greatly impact our relationships, we cannot “control” how someone else feels. When you try to control something you really do not have control over, anxiety can creep in. Add worry about your relationship, and then you feel panic.

So, let’s unwind this cycle you and your husband are in. Hurtful statements like, I’m not going to stick around forever, will only escalate the anxiety and surface feelings of abandonment. I would like you to take the first step to create a new positive cycle with your husband that will help both of you. Sit down and think about what your husband has done in the past that was helpful when you were anxious. Imagine you are in a moment of panic, what would you like to hear from him? I imagine something like, “It will be ok, you will get through this, I’m here for you.” Words are very powerful. Pull from your writing above about what you have used to deal with panic attacks in the past. Reminding you to breathe, focusing on an object, holding your hand. What feels like it would be helpful?

Then in a calm moment share with husband. Start with an “opener” that will grab his attention like, “I love you, our marriage is important.” Then share how you are working hard to develop good coping skills and you would like his support. Share with him what he can say that will help in moments of anxiety or worry. Men tend to be pragmatic and do well with a list of “what to do” in a particular situation.

I would be happy to help you develop more of a plan to approach the cycle in your marriage and stress management. So please feel free to write back and give me your thoughts and ask questions.

I’m here to help you through this. You are not alone!

With Care,

Life Coach Nova

Thank you so much for your reply and assistance. :)

When the severe anxiety and panic attacks came on about 2 years ago I honestly thought I was having a nervous breakdown. It was many sleepless nights, physical issues, and yes I experienced agoraphobia. I was literary trapped in my home. I finally said enough is enough. I did a lot of research to better understand my condition. I ended up purchasing a book called “Panic Attack Workbook: A Guided Program for Beating the Panic Trick” by David Carbonell, Ph.D. It has worked wonders! I believe it’s a cognitive behavioral approach to beating panic. It helped me to understand the “panic trick” and how to defuse it through better understanding my underline feelings, keeping a positive attitude, belly breathing as well as fully understanding the ins and outs of why my body is reacting to the emotions. It also has a section on “exposure therapy” which helped a lot. I completed the work book but often refer back to it when I feel like I am not progressing like I should. I even was able to break from my “safe person”- my Husband- and I am able to leave the house. However, I can only go to certain “safe places” which I am trying to break through that…and have been making great progress!

I know I do bottle a lot of stuff up and keep my mouth shut about a lot of things- I always have. Through my experience dealing with anxiety, panic attacks and yes bouts of depression I found I kept doing the same which of course only made everything worse and seemed to make my Husband into my enemy because he didn’t know what was going on.

I think I made a huge step this morning when I was having a very bad panic attack and I was trying to do everything I could to get it under control. I finally had enough and text my Husband asking him to call me when he got a moment. He called instantly and I confessed to him my state for which after a 10 minute phone call the panic was gone and I felt so much better albeit exhausted. It really helped telling him my irrational fears- because they were just that irrational. I had worked myself up so much that I was panicking about things that I have no control over and that were tiny little bitty things. He has also read the workbook so he helped to remind me some of the tools from it I had forgotten.

I know for me a lot of underlining issues is dealing with feeling insignificance due to an alcoholic/abusive mother and older brother as well as a father who worked all the time and looked the other way. My parents were divorced. I essentially raised myself. I was a punching bag that wasn’t allowed to complain. Nothing I ever did got their approval and still doesn’t. They live in Ohio, I moved to Texas. Needless to say we dont talk. My Great Grandmother was my best friend, confidant, and yes I believe the only one in my family that ever truly loved me. She passed away a year ago and I harbor so much guilt for not being there to protect her when the family swooped in to steal her rings off her fingers when she was lying on her death bed in a hospice. These were people who hadn’t seen or spoken her in nearly a decade. You were also right I feel guilty in my marriage for being so “sick”. So, yes…I know my last leg of getting it all out I feel is anger and guilt. Most of the time I just want to scream at them and make them hurt as much as they hurt me. I have written many letters which I never sent addressing all the pain and turmoil they put me through and it was a great relief to get it out but I know there is more.

Some of the ways I deal with my issues are I find that if I help others I tend to help myself. For example I belong to a website called dailystrength.org. Like this website it is member based and has message boards. Often times I will assist other self injurers in understanding how to stop and encourage them to get the help they need. I will admit while others on the boards coddle and give advice how to hide it…I give gentle advice on how to stop it. (Identify what you are feeling, it’s ok to experience those emotions etc. , get help, talk etc.) I am no expert but I feel if I plant a seed that there is hope that it can be stopped perhaps that seed will blossom into a healthier life. I found that while replying to posts it helped me to better understand the process I went through to stop. To be honest cutting isn’t even an option anymore. Yes, I still get that triggered feeling, yes sometimes it comes across my mind, but I will never ever act upon it. I can say never ever because I don’t want to go back to that. I have come too far! Also, I know that triggered feeling is my body telling me there are emotions I need to explore and face. Another way of dealing with my issues is writing. I keep an online journal and ramble in it a lot. I often go back when my head is clear so I can better understand where I was at that moment.

Dealing with my marriage…My Husband has admittedly put up a lot of walls because this is very hard on him. He hates that he can’t fix it so he has distanced himself. We spoke about it today and I told him I hated that. He said the walls are a positive thing because he feels they are what are helping him to survive it. I can see his point but I have a feeling in the long run it may make things worse. How can I get better and our relationship get better if there is a wall between us? Also, he says I need to be “selfish” and speak my needs more, focus on myself more etc. He said I am the most unselfish person he knows. I am not a doormat mind you but I don’t complain about much. I was told by a friend that I am a “Highly Sensative Person”- not that I cry all the time or I am high strung- but that she noticed I an super sensative to emotion and stress (mine or others) as well as physical things like loud noises, bright lights, touch etc. If that is so…no wonder I am filled with anxiety all the time. LOL

Thank you so much for you help! I want nothing more than to get better. I will definitely start a journal here with your recommendations. I am actually looking forward to it and plan on putting a lot of thought into it.

Hi OpheliaRising, I am so glad to hear back from you. Your screen name represents you well. You are “rising” out of a great deal of pain and becoming stronger with every challenge. You will be a fantastic contributor to our Member Center and I hope you continue to share your journey with others. You are an “expert” in your own life! I am sure our members would love to hear from you often, and helping others will continue to reinforce what you have learned.

I am so impressed with all of your effort. Good for you! You have put a lot of hard work into healing. Now, let’s explore the softer side to healing…letting go.

I am very impressed you identified your “lingering” emotions: Anger and Guilt. Two deal breakers for a peaceful day, right? In just identifying them, I could “hear” the release in your post, so good job. You also mentioned the death of your best friend, your Grandmother. It sounds like she was your “safe” person, your ally, and very, very important to you. You mention you have written letters to express anger to your family members, have you written a letter of love and gratitude to your Grandmother? I would encourage you to write her a letter about what it has been like since she has been gone, and the feelings you have been harboring because you loved and valued her so much. Please share with me what surfaces for you when you write this letter.

Also explore what it would feel like to let guilt go. The art of letting guilt go requires acknowledging you have done the best you can, letting go of regrets, and learning to remain in the present. Children who have been abused often carry with them guilt and anger. It makes me mad too! It was not ok, and your anger is justified, however you also deserve to be free and live in peace. We will come back to letting guilt go more as you move through this process.

Explore what purpose anger serves for you. Anger can make us feel powerful at times, especially against abusers. Identify the purpose for your anger. Next, release and express your anger. Anger is a very physical emotion that needs a physical release and an emotional or verbal expression. Helpful things clients have used have been a blow up punching/kicking bag, a Velcro wall mat to throw Velcro balls at, a spring board or trampoline, just to name a few. Be sure to say out loud your feelings as you physically release them.

For anxiety and moderate anger breathing is so helpful. A helpful tool, you can do anywhere is to have a red balloon handy and “blow up” your anger or anxiety into the balloon. Some clients like to pop it, and some just let it go (especially if they are at work or school). Breathing helps lower your heart rate and calms the body.

It sounds like you have a loving husband, who is just frustrated he can’t do more. Men do tend to put up walls when they feel helpless. Continue to define your “needs” in writing to help you express them clearly. Your husband wants to help, he just needs to know how. If you want a cookie, you have to ask for a cookie. Be sure to have him do the same, so his needs are expressed and you are offering each other mutual support.

Healing is a journey, growing is a process, and life’s answers are not always immediate. Your pain has brought you here to share with others, connect, and find the remaining pieces to your peace puzzle.

I am so glad to have you here. I will continue to be here for you during your journey. :)

With great care,

Life Coach Nova

Thank you so much for your time and assistance. I will certainly try out your suggestions on letting go :)

When my Grandmother was alive we were always very honest with one another and told one another how much we meant to each other. Nearing the end of her life I took all that to paper and sent her a two page letter as well as a short story about her that contained everything I felt. I wanted to be sure she understood in the clearest of ways possible my feelings. I have copies of those (as well as her obituary which she asked me to write but was never used due to the family being weird) and often refer back to them when things get really tough. I have wrote here and there about her death and how it has impacted me, but have yet to sit down and write a letter to her about how much I miss her. When I get a chance I will focus on doing that.

Today I woke up with a very positive outlook and decided that today was going to be a great day. Lately I have been very sleep deprived only getting about 4-5 hours of solid sleep at a time. The lack of sleep is taking its toll which in turn trying to trigger my panic. I have been forcing myself to eat and drink despite my stomach being soooo upset! Usually if I don’t get enough sleep I start vomiting so that hasn’t been fun. However, despite all that I still feel like it was a good day. I got a lot of stuff done and I am looking forward to tomorrow. :)

Dear OpheliaRising,

Thank you for giving us feedback. You should be proud of yourself for working so hard and diligently with your issues. We are here to be of support to you, so keep letting us know how you are doing.

I am so pleased that today was a good day for you. Keep up the good work.

Coach Edie

Thank you so much for your support ediesjc! I really do appreciate it!

So far I have been doing ok though nervous. I usually try to hide such a thing but today I went to my husband and told him. We sat down and talked about how I was feeling, my frustrations, and my stressors. I reminded myself that I didn’t have anything to be nervous about. I am blessed that I have a wonderful home, a loving husband, two great doggies etc etc. I did identify that I am nervous about my finals coming up (despite the fact I am running a 97% average and know the material inside and out) and that I am having a lot of frustration with this little backslide with my panic attacks. I just wanna be better and know it takes time.

I ate fairly well before but now I am really strict about what I am eating and drinking. Also, I had gotten an air purifier that uses water to clean the air. It also gives off lovely white noise which has been helping me sleep. I figured being sleep deprived doesn’t much help my condition! I am managing to get a healthy sleep schedule down and once that is set in place I plan on scheduling in daily exercise that is going to go beyond my stretches and small walks. I still have to do the journal entry of my positive traits and what not but just haven’t had time between writing final papers and taking tests before the finals for school. However, I did write it on my list of things to do because I feel it’s very important!

So, all and all I am slowly making my way through. I really do feel like I am making progress and I am not in a stalemate anymore. I guess I just needed some outside help to give me direction. I am forever grateful for the help! Thank you!

Hi OpheliaRising! I’m so glad to see you here today. :)

Reminding yourself of what you are grateful for helps you stay centered in the present. Good job! Building your positive trait list in your journal is an excellent start. As you move through the day to today, catch yourself doing something “well” and ask yourself, what characteristic of mine helps me to do that? Maintaining a 97% in the class is awesome! What qualities help you do that? Intelligence, Studious, etc…
Make a note of it somewhere – even on your study notes!

Then at the end of the day, write a sentence that summarizes what you did well today in your journal, along with all your positive quality “notes.” Continue to do this and let us know how your list grows.

When your view of your personal resources match your perceived demands in life, you will feel much calmer.

Yes, this is a process and being patient is very important. I am very proud of you for sharing with your husband, reaching out for support, and surrounding yourself with gratitude.

I am grateful you are here with us!

With Care,

Life Coach Nova

Hello!

Sorry I fell off the radar things have been very stressful and hectic lately. I ended up backsliding a little with my panic attacks and anxiety which caused me to do a lot of isolating. I started to let them get the best of me but I managed to turn things around and move in a more positive direction.

Just about a week ago, when my Husband got back from a business trip, we ended up sitting down for a really long talk about our relationship. As I have spoke about before he is very miserable because of my issues. So, it was agreed we would separate but remain roommates with the premise on working on us without all the pressure. (His idea) This saddens me greatly because basically he bottom lined it as if I don’t do something drastic to get better we will divorce. I tried to explain to him I have been working very hard on getting better and have come a very long way. He agreed but he thinks I am not getting better fast enough.

Since the “break up” I have been a mess but admit I have been numbing myself to get through my days without any serious panic attacks. So far it’s working but at what cost?

I will admit he and I speak now a lot about things. We do go out of our way more to talk to each other, make contact etc. Right now things are sorta put on hold because he had to go right back out of town. When he talks about us he indicates that the separation is only the next step to divorce- Constantly reminding me if I don’t “do something drastic” that divorce will happen.

What really bothers me is he changed his passwords to his email accounts (sometimes I have to get under his accounts to get receipts etc) and he guards his phone like a hawk- as if he has something to hide. He is distancing himself further and further from me.

My question is: How in the world can I heal with all this taking place and without a support system? (I have no family, no local friends, and now…no husband) How can I get over the fact I feel abandoned and that all my progress has been for nothing?

Hi Ophelia. Great to see you back again. It sounds like you have been through a lot and I am really impressed with how strong you are!

I think the first thing to do is to give yourself a little break. It sounds like you have been working hard with finals and other things in your life, so go easy on yourself, no one could be perfect under these circumstances. (And perfection is pretty tough under the best of circumstances!)

Then there are two areas to start tackling…your relationship and your panic attacks.

Did the panic attacks start when your husband asked for a separation?

Tell me a little more about what triggers your panic and I will give you some customized suggestions. Until then, here are some general suggestions….

One: Control your breathing. If you find you are breathing rapidly, breathe slowly in and out and try to focus on counting your breaths and controlling your breathing.

Two: Walk it off. Take a walk around your floor, go up to the roof, or take a walk around the building.

Three: Go with it. Don’t attempt to fight your way out of a panic attack, this will simply make it worse. Instead, accept the feelings, and tell yourself that these feelings will pass. Eventually the panic will subside.

Four: Distract yourself. Do a puzzle, try soduku, play a game online, or write an email.

Five: Use your imagination. Try to focus outside of yourself during an attack. Listen to some music or do a pleasurable task while waiting for the panic to subside.

Six: Use a relaxation technique. First close your eyes and breathe slowly and deeply. Locate any areas of tension and imagine them disappearing. Then, relax each part of the body, bit by bit, from the feet upwards. Think of warmth and heaviness. After 20 minutes of doing this, take some deep breaths and stretch.

Seven: Schedule worry time. Designate a small amount of time (maybe 30 minutes or less) to worrying/analysis of what’s worrying you. Then, during worry time, do the following exercise:

On a piece of paper, make a chart with four columns. In column 1, write down all the things you are worried about. In column 2, write down how likely that event is to happen (is it 10% likely, 25%?). In column 3, write down all the “if/thens” that come to mind when you think about what’s bothering you. In column 4, write down some things you can actively do if the worst case scenario events happen or what you can do now to prevent the worst case scenarios from happening.

Here’s an example:
Column 1: What’s bothering me? I may lose my job.
Column 2: How likely is this to happen? 30% because my company just had a lay off.
Column 3: If this happens, what then? Then I will need to look for a new job, I don’t know how long that might take, maybe I will not be able to pay the bills
Column 4: If the worst case scenario happens? Then I will need to polish up my resume, get into contact with a networking group, call some old contacts, reach out to some connections, post my resume online, etc… – OR – I could be proactive and talk to my supervisor about the company’s future plans, how I can be helpful; I could also connect now with some old contacts or join a networking group.

Sometimes just by thinking a worrisome thought all the way through and coming up with a solution, we find we feel much better.

Eight: Flip your thoughts. If you’re finding yourself telling yourself some very negative things, try challenging yourself to come up with one good thing about you or the situation for every one negative thing.

Nine: Reach out to friends and family. If you’re finding yourself really getting upset, reach out to a friend, call someone you care about, just talk it out.

Ten: Your body can handle stress. Under times of extreme stress, you might have physical symptoms that scare you. If so, call your doctor and talk over your concerns. It’s likely you will hear that your symptoms are due to an over-sensitized nervous system. If so, they are temporary feelings and will go away.