Why cant i jsut be happy with my weight

Hello,
Im 21 almost 22, a mother if 2 and in college. I have a 2 1/2 yr old and a 1 yr old. I had them both by c section. As many know along with having kids comes streachmarks, weight gain, and with c sections much more. So here i am. I am 5’4 21yrs, and 136 pounds. I was weighing in at 158 about 2 months ago. I have reached a point where I am struggling to lsoe more, and I know im not over weight, but I still feel huge, and unattractive. Im now wearing a size 5/6 jean and was in a 12/14. I feel as though I need to be about 115 pounds. and a size 2/3. I am now scrambling to try diet pills, and random diets, i was eating a ver low calorie diet for a while and lost weight but my body got use to it, and so it stopped working. I really want to feel good at the soze i am but i am struggleing, not to mention I have bipolar, and i think this plays a role in it. I have never felt worthy or attractive, my fiancee has never told my i look pretty or what not, ( he was raised that way) and is not out there with emotions, or anything. He jsut says if i didnt think you were pretty i wouldnt be with you. i am jsut having a hard time and am so thankful to find this websiter bc i cannot afford to see a councler.

How incredible that you are juggling so much at almost 22 years old! I would imagine that some days you must feel very overwhelmed. You mention that you are bipolar and I was wondering if you are on medication and is someone available for you to talk to?

I really understand that part about not feeling worthy or attractive and I think a lot of young women really fight with these feelings with all the media we have to see every day with perfectly airbrushed images that no one can live up to. Do you feel like everything would be OK if you were 115 pounds? I think you’ve done an incredible job getting to the size you are now and you are absolutely right, our body does figure out what we are doing and it makes it harder to lose but I think that if you figure out some ways to lessen your stress that you will have much better results.

You mentioned your fiance not being overly emotional. Does that bother you? I would imagine that you’d like some acknowledgement on how well you’ve done losing what you have and I’m wondering if you think he doesn’t notice? (guys can be really bad at that you know?) You even mentioned that you know you’re not overweight so tell me how you feel about his opinion.

I just want you to know I’ve been exactly where you are…I’m hear to listen so tell me more about why you think you still feel unattractive?

Love and Light,
Coach Yvonne

Coach Yvonne,
Thanks so much for responding to me. Yes some days i do feel very overwhelmed, stress, and tired. Yes I do have Bipolar and unfortunatly I am not an any medication I cannot afford health insurance and we make too much for medicade, sad.. but yeah, i know this is alot of my issue. I really do feel like if I was 115 everything would be ok, and I do not know why i feel such pressure to be small, but I do. I haev always been inseure and it is really affecting my relationship. I dont know how to stop. I am a very emotional person and it does bother me that hes not waht so ever. we are complete opposits, and i struggle everyday with the feeling of acceptance for me how i am. I never know what he is thinking about me, and he never says i look good, or pretty or what not, so in return i scramble and fish for what he thinks of me and then he gets mad. I am a person that has to hear taht i am good enough, and that i am pretty, and all that . my body looks gross, from having kids, and my teeth are not straight, and i have a slight overbite. need braces but again cannot afford right now, but all of this and my own view of myself makes me feel unnatractive.