To be thin..

Hi.. I have never posted a problem up on the internet and I don’t know how its going to work out, but anyways, here it goes:
I am a 17 year old who has struggled with weight since I was 10. I got into a diet at 11 and lost a lot of weight in a healthy way, but then at 14 I lost some more weight because of a food poisoning illness and loved how thin I felt, so I didn’t want to gain it back. I ate really little, but never completely stopped eating. Then I went on a trip and the obsession went away, but I always hated myself for gaining the weight I had lost all back. My friends started with this obsession too, and I have a sort of rivalry with one of them to see who is thinnest, who eats less, who excercises more, etc. (This is never said out in the open, though). She recently lost a ton of weight, and I am extremely jealous. I am not supericial and I am a good person, but it’s so hard for me to see how she eats the same as me and does even less excercise than I do and now is even thinner just because she used to be unhealty. I feel good about my body now, but that is just today. Tomorrow I can hate it, and try to purge. I have tried it a few times, but only actually vomited once because I stop when it hurts too much. I am afraid that I will become bulimic, because I know the damages it will cause to my body. My parents recently got divorced, and I feel like I can’t talk to anyone about anything. I am sick of thinking about food and being fat and purging all day, and usually cry myself to sleep. It feels like a prison, and I wish I could not care about these things.
I hope someone out there has some good advice, and thank you for listening (or reading, hehe).

Hi Sweetie. I’m so proud of you for being brave and sharing your story! Reaching out is the first step to creating solutions. I understand everything you posted. I will write you a longer post shortly, but wanted to send this to you now — so you know I am here for you.

Check back in a bit for my response. :)

Life Coach Nova

Hi Musicincar. Okay, let’s work through this together! There’s a lot here. Before we get to the eating issues, I’d like to know a bit more:

Your parents recently got divorced. Tell me your feelings around this currently and leading up to the actual divorce.

You say you feel like you can’t talk to anyone about anything. So are you holding everything in? Are you being silent?

What is your definition of beauty?

What would it be like to love yourself and be comfortable with your body? Can you imagine feeling like that?

Getting sick of not feeling well emotionally and physically – will be a motivation to make things better. You don’t have to suffer.

You will have support here, and please write often, share your feelings, and keep reaching out.

Warmly,

Life Coach Nova

Hey LifeCoachNova, thank you so much for writing back. Well, I was at first a bit devastated from the divorce, but I knew I was sick of my parent’s fighting all the time. I guess if I was given a choice, I would stick to being a child with divorced parents than back to the one I used to be. It really was horrible for me though, because about a month ago I found my mom lying on the floor, crying. I only told my sister who is in college this, and I felt so bad because I couldn’t help my mom. She felt even worse because she didn’t want me to see her like that. I really don’t talk to anybody about all this, because I just don’t like talking about my problems. It is such a relief to write it out.

My definition of beauty? It’s different for me than it is for others. For others, it means for me being healthy and happy. But beauty for myself, sadly, means being thin. On the days I feel thin I feel beautiful and confident, but most of the time I feel insecure and ugly because of how I feel about my body. I know I am pretty thin and tall, but there is this voice inside of me that tells me that I need to lose more weight, and that I’m not good enough.

If I had one wish in this world, it would be to feel comfortable with myself no matter my size. It would be being able to spend one day without exercising or eating a piece of cake without feeling worthless and disgusting after having done so. It would be not caring if others saw me eat, because every time I put something in my mouth, I feel like everyone is watching me and I stop.

What can I do to not feel so jealous? I hate feeling like this, and I want to stop. I took laxatives yesterday, and I don’t know what to do. I really need to find peace. Thank you so much, really, for writing back. I haven’t told anybody about this and it feels so good to open up. Love, musicincar.

Hi Musicincar. You are so welcome. I am happy help and be here to listen. It is very helpful to reach out and open up, a very good beginning, and an important step to finding peace.

Divorce is always difficult even under the best of circumstances. It’s normal to go through a “grieving” period. There is a sense of loss. It sounds like your mom needed to let out her feelings, and a good cry is one way. It sounds like you tend to care more about how others feel, you are empathetic and compassionate. Very wonderful qualities. I understand feeling helpless watching your mom in a state of suffering. One way to work through it is to just talk openly about it. Letting her know it’s okay for you to see how she is feeling, and it is okay for her to know how you feel as well. Sometimes it’s hard to come up with words to help someone feel better, especially when there’s nothing specifically you can do like after a death or ending to a relationship. I have found the most helpful thing is to have the person know you hear them and reassure them with each passing day it will get better, that sends them some hope.

The next thing I hear in your post is about judgment. Fear of others watching you eat, or what others think. Identifying that the problem is really fear, will help you push that feeling away.

Your statement about the voice “inside” of you that tells you that you need to lose weight, that you are not good enough — that’s not your voice!!
Your voice will only say wonderful, beautiful things about you. Your voice speaks from your spirit. Learning to separate your inner voice and the voice of ED (eating disorder) is an important step to conquering the issues surrounding eating disorders. It is not uncommon to define yourself physically as you are defining who you are on the inside. That’s a big part of why teens especially fall victim to ED. So the best way to guard yourself is to build from the inside out. Defining who you are, strengthening your spirit, and listening to your voice.

You are making some really good steps already. You are noticing that what you really wish for is self-acceptance and peace. Keep this picture of self-acceptance and peace close in your thoughts each day.

So, let’s work through this a step at a time. First, I’d like to know more about you:

What brings you the most joy?

Where to feel most at peace?

What do you like most about yourself?

What are three goals you hope to accomplish in your life?

I am looking forward to hearing back. :)

With Care,

Life Coach Nova

i know how you feel. everyday is a struggle when you don’t love yourself. i am going through the same exact thing. people would say i looked unhealthy and that i was too thin, but i didn’t care. i loved the way i looked and felt and i loved the confidence it gave me.

i truly don’t believe talking to anyone will help. people can say that you don’t need to lose the weight, that you’re beautiful the way you are, but there will always be that voice in the back of your head screaming at them, telling them to shut up. it never mattered what people said. at least not for me.

just learn to love yourself. it’s a lot harder than it seems, but i guess it’s possible