Weight Loss Challenges

One of the common challenges I hear about weight control is emotional eating. Eating to comfort, distract, or bury feelings leads to a cycle of guilt and then further eating. When this cycle continues, emotional eating becomes a coping habit. Pretty soon, you end up with extra pounds and wonder how you got there.

Can you related to this? What challenges do you face in maintaining your weight?

Let’s work through it together.

Life Coach Nova

Hi Coach Nova. I can relate to this alot. I find that I use food as a reward and it’s something that I need to change. Sometimes I will go all day without eating and then when I get home at night, I am starving and crave the least healthy stuff (cheese, pizza, meat, wine, chips). I think part of it is developing better habits, like setting a routine for eating. The other part of it is ths reward idea and I do want to change how I look at food – how should I start?

Hi Its Just Me. I’m so glad you are taking steps to make some changes with your relationship with food. I hear in your post you have a sense that you are worth making the effort to develop healthy eating habits, and that is a wonderful start. You also have great insight to be able to connect your relationship with food as reward based. Guilt commonly feeds reward based thinking about food. Ex: “If I work really hard, then I can eat later and enjoy myself.”

If you are going all day without eating, your body is starving! By night time, your body is saying, “I need something quick to burn!” That’s why you are craving high carbohydrate foods like chips. It also sounds you like you go all day at high speed and then “allow” yourself to relax at night with wine and comfort foods.

This is a very common pattern! I bet many of our visitors can relate to this same cycle. So let’s get you started on a good path.

In developing good eating habits, an important thing to remember is to formulate your plan to include the three components that influence eating the most: Physical needs, Emotions, and Thoughts.

Here are some ideas to get you started in your process to developing a healthy relationship with food:

1. Plan Ahead
You are right, planning ahead a routine for eating is important. I suggest creating a weekly action plan where you plan out your menu according to your schedule. Before you create your plan, make a list of all the healthy foods you love. This will be your “menu” items you will chose from to create your action plan for the week. You can use a calendar, or type up a plan outline, print out 7 copies, and fill it out each night. Your goal is to eat every two to three hours. This is very important to “retrain” your body to eat during the day, not just at night.

2. Get Rid of Excuses
If you are really busy during the day, you can still fit in a healthy snack at any time. Protein shakes are great, quick, and give your body what it needs reducing those high carbohydrate cravings you have later on. Do not leave the house without having breakfast. Study after study shows that people who eat breakfast have fewer challenges with weight and food. You can’t get in your car and go unless there is fuel in it. The same applies for your body. Grab a protein shake, wrap a couple slices of turkey in a piece of whole grain bread, slice up an apple and some cheese.

By making sure you have breakfast you are addressing all the aspects of healthy eating habits. You are physically giving your body what it needs; you are redirecting your thoughts by telling yourself you are worth taking care of; and you are shifting the emotional connection from “reward” to “fuel.”

3. Explore Your Feelings and Set Up New Rewards
Try releasing your feelings in a different way. Somewhere along the line, guilt likely stepped in and contributed to this pattern. Explore where these feelings came from. Start a journal, write freely, and see where your thoughts take you. Set up new, healthy rewards for the end of day you can look forward to. What else is soothing for you? Lighting nice candles, a warm bath, sitting outside enjoying the breeze? Make a list of what brings you comfort and a sense of gratification besides food and be sure to include your reward in your action plan for the day. Reward yourself for doing well, and moving in the right direction to make good choices for yourself.

Be patient during this process and remember it takes 21 days to break a habit. So, you’ll need a lot of support during those first few weeks especially. Give this plan a try and visit the support center often for ongoing support and to work through any challenges you may encounter.

I believe you can do it! I’ll be here for you.

Life Coach Nova

I need help. I am very obese and I can’t control my eating. I have had Lap Band surgery and have only lost a totla of 40 pounds but have gained it all back. So I weigh the same as I did when I had the surgery in 2006. To make it worse, I work for the bariatric surgeon who did my surgery. So everyday I am confronted with the one thing I hate most about myself. ALL DAY LONG. Patients ask me why I haven’t had surgery and I lie to them and tell them I have a medical condition that doesn’t allow me to have the surgery. Two other girl on the office had 2 different types of surgery, one had a gastric bypass and one had a gastirc sleeve. Of course these girls have done very well and lost all of their excess weight. They do all the commercials, billboards and ads for our office and my doctor is so proud of them. Every day I feel so full of shame for letting my doctor and employer down. Nevermind letting myself down. I am so stressed out at work and my only emotional outlet is eating. Also, at work I am constanly worried that they are watching what and how much I eat. Every now and then someone will make a comment about my food or a rule I am supposed to be following and it just angers me more. Plus I get the extra bonus of having to listen to them talk about noncompliant patients and how it is no wonder they are not losing weight. The people who have never been overweight I don’t stress to much about as they cannot understand how deep obesity really is with a person. But the 2 who used to be fat until they had surgery know better. I feel hopeless, angry, and shameful most of the time. There is not an hour of they day that goes by that I do not worry about food or about my weight. I need help.

Kathy

Hi Kathy. Welcome. I’m glad you are reaching out. You are not alone with this struggle! One of the biggest challenges for bariatric weight loss patients is dealing with emotional eating. You’ve done a really good job identifying the emotions you are struggling with: " I feel hopeless, angry, and shameful most of the time. There is not an hour of they day that goes by that I do not worry about food or about my weight."

Anger, shame, worry, and hopelessness. Here is the focus of your work.

Anger: Letting anger out in a healthy way is so important. When we hold anger in, it turns inward, blocking hope and faith from getting in. Do you have a pattern of not expressing your anger? What are the things that have angered you in life?

Worry: What is your worst fear? Anxieties about the future can overtake thoughts. Let’s talk through some of your worries.

Shame: Guilt and shame will drag you down, and “feeds” eating problems. Letting go of shame and guilt requires an ability to remain in the present. In the present you can feel joy, accomplishment, and HOPE.

What are some coping skills you use besides eating?

What does your doctor recommend for your eating plan with your surgery? What are your biggest challenges with staying on plan?

I’ll be here to help you through this!! :) And, Coach Yvonne is here on Fridays, she has had weight loss surgery and I’m sure can offer you her insights as well, as we move along.

Looking forward to hearing back from you.

Warmly,

Life Coach Nova

I think my anger is mostly self directed. I am very angry at myself for allowing myself to gain weight like this. I was failry normal sized until I married the first time at 27 yrs old (I’m now 43). Sure I had an extra 20# I was trying to lose but was not considered fat. 2 months before my marriage my brother was arrested for a sexual crime against a child. This was devistating to me and soon after that I began having severe anxiety and Panic attacks and was placed on Paxil. My weight seemed to just go up as I turned to food for comfort. I was very close to my brother and felt some blame for his crime because I had some suspiscions but rather than offer him help I confronted him and kicked him out of my house where he had been living. The ensuing years waiting for him to go to court, the trial, sentencing and 7 years he spent in jail have been very difficult for my. He has been home probably 3 years now and I worry about him reoffending. I don’t think I could go through that again. It is also hard to watch him try to maintain a normal life being a registered sex offender. He keeps getting run out of places he lives and jobs he has and even churches he goes to. It is sad. I’m not sure if I am angry at him for his crime or mostly feel guilty about it. He is a year older than me and we were close growing up. He was extremely nerdy and was picked on a lot at school and I was always so emotionally tortured by this. He was also picked on by my Mom, who was mentally ill for most of our childhood. SHe hated him i think becasue he was the only boy. SHe hated her brother becasue he was a sports star and the apple of her fathers eye growing up and she was just pretty much ignored. Her parents divorced and she got a new step father who was an alcoholic, abusive both physically and sexually to her. She projected her hate of men onto my brother. She mostly verbally abused him but I can remember specifically remember her rubbing his nose in the poop in his pants when he had an accident, and him getting severe whippings with the extension cord (we all got these) and it would just tear my heart out to watch. My mom abused all of us emotionally. Mostly by always threatening to take us to an orphanage or driving out into the country and telling us to get out of the car that she didnt want us. Also would threaten to drive off an overpass with all of us in the car. And she always told us that our Dad was going to die becasue he was working so hard to support all of us “ungreatful little shits”. I know I should feel anger at my mom but I really don’t. In the instances when I do I tell mysel that she did the best she could with us kids given her mental illness. SHe is a different person today than she was when we were growing up. I think that is the only reason I am not angry. I should probably mention that my mother is very obese and as a kid I was embarrassed and ashamed of her while growing up and vowed to myself that I would NEVER become like her. And now I have. And I am angry about it.

The main thing I worry about is being abandoned, alone, rejected, etc. I also worry about my health, dying and the health of my loved ones. SO much so that a simple physical at the doctors office can evoke visions of them finding the disease that is ultimately going to kill me. I think the fear of abandonement came from the constant worry during my childhood about my mom getting rid of us or my dad dying and leaving us.

My shame is associated with the above I am sure. Shame of turning out fat like the person I despised growing up. I say despised but Im not sure I mean it. I loved her too. I didn’t know other kids weren’t going through the same things I was. Plus she always called me a hussy, whore, slut, etc. Even though I was not sexually active until I was about to graduate highschool. For several years ater I graduated I was very promiscuious. Even dated a married man and broke up his fmaily. I have never really forgiven myself for that. Not sure I never will. I think that a lot of my shame also is related to my promiscuity as a young woman. I was very pretty and got a lot of attention from men. Now that I am fat I get no attention and it makes me mad but is comorting too. It keeps them away from me and punishes me or my actions.

My doctors eating plan is protein first, no junk carbs, eating small portions and 3 meals a day only. No drinking with meals. I have really quit trying, I don’t have lap band adustments any more. My fear of failure keeps me from even trying. I figure i I don’t try I can’t fail and let everyone down. However, isn’t not trying a form of failure? I am a perfectionist and learned long ago that I try to avoid doing things that I might not do perfectly. Like keeping my house clean, dieting, exercising, going to school, etc.

I dont really have any coping mechanisms other than talking to people or griping about things really. That just seems to fuel the fire. It seems that eating is the one thing I can control in my life even thought it is out of control. I can control when I eat, how much I eat, where I eat, what I eat etc. And it does sooth my nerves, while I am doing it. But afterwards the shame is there again.. Seems like shame is an old friend. It is always there…

Kathy

One thing I meant to say above is that when I had my surgery I really felt like I was going to fail at it. So I never really had any motivation to try real hard.

Hi Kathy. Welcome. I am so glad you found us. Before I tell you anything else, I really want to encourage you to connect with Coach Yvonne on our site: she had GBP a few years back and is very inspirational. I think she may be able to connect with you in some key ways that only another person who had had WLS would.

That said, I hear you and I understand. You wrote, “Every day I feel so full of shame for letting my doctor and employer down. Nevermind letting myself down. I am so stressed out at work and my only emotional outlet is eating. Also, at work I am constanly worried that they are watching what and how much I eat.” That has to be so hard and it’s got to be painful to see reminders of what you wish you had.

As I bet you already know, banding is much less effective for weight loss than GBP or VSG, what you are reporting is fairly typical. I find that most folks who get the band lose a fair amount – 30-40 pounds and oftenn gain it back. So I don’t see it as your personal failure; I see it much more as a failure with the surgery. It just doesn’t work that well for most people.

You also wrote that you were never that motivated in the first place – tell me more about that?

I need to lose a bit of weight myself and one of the things I think is, “You know, I can do everything I need or want to do at this weight.” BUT if you caught me on a really honest day, I’d have to say that I would be happier if I weighed less and didn’t have to worry about plane seat belts fitting when I think about taking a trip.

I look forward to hearing more from you sweetheart.

Warmly,
Dr. Kathy

Dearest Kathy (who had lapband)
Am I right that your doctor does the gastric bypass and sleeve? Would your benefits cover a revision? Where are you right now with your fills?

I know that one thing that will take away any hope of turning this situation around is to live in the self loathing mindset 24/7. You are not a failure. It is very important for you not to see yourself as a failure and I’m sure this is a very foreign concept for you right now. Do you have psyche people in your doc’s program and support groups? Do they offer any guidance? And…the people that are offering up suggestions about you breaking rules are only doing what they know to do. The anger is hurting you too. My heart so goes out to you sweetie. Before I ask any more questions could you let me know about the possibility of a revision with your doc? Was there a particular reason you chose lapband instead of the other two options? I know many very successful people with lapband but I know many that have been revised to gastric bypass or the sleeve and have totally gotten it under control.

Before you consider a revision though, I’d really like to work with you on this. I failed for 30 years but when I had surgery I decided I would not fail. I really believe it made the difference. Also let me know if your doc has done any revisions too. We’re here to help you sweetheart. I want this for you and I will be here for you until we get this under control OK?

Many blessings,
Coach Yvonne

Dr. Kathy,

I think the lack of motivation was related to my negative thinking going into it. If I don’t try and I fail, that is not as bad as really trying hard and failing. I really don’t have the confidence in my abilities to succeed, so I purposefully fail maybe? I did the same thing when I got married the first time. I remember standing at the altar thinking “I can always get a divorce if this doesn’t work out.” Rather than devote myself to making my marriage work, I was dooming it from the beginning. Maybe so it wouldn’t be so hard when my husband eventually cheated on me, which he did. I knew going in that I would be repayed for dating a married man when I was 19 and breaking up his family. And I was right. I got what I deserved. In my mind…

Kathy

Yvonne,

My Dr. does do revisions, though he hasn’t done more than 30 or so. I have a 4cc band and I currently have 2.6 cc in it which is the most I have ever had. I have a lot of trouble with esophageal spasms and food getting stuck and then having to vomit. So I mostly eat slider food. And then some days I have no restriction at all. When I say no restriction I mean I can eat a 12 inch subway with no problem. Of course I drink with almost every bite to wash it down.

I chose the lap band becasue I wanted to do something but I was not “ready” for the Bypass. Besides that my husband was dead set against it. He thought I would die. The sleeve was not an option for me in 2006. I have been considering a revision to a sleeve more and more lately, but I am scared of the surgery. Also I will have to be cash pay and I don’t have the money. My surgeon would not charge me and I am sure he could get me a discount on the hospital and anesthesia bills but the money is tight right now. My husband works in the automobile industry and had to take a pay cut this year.

I also don’t want to totally give up on my band yet. Since I feel I have not given it a real chance. I never went to any support group meetings because I worked there. I guess I felt odd being one of the patients when I am one they look to for advice and answers. I also didn’t really have a doctor patient relationship with my surgeon. He would just give me a quick fill when we were slow in the office. I never had any psych follow up becasue my insurance has a $2500 deductable and the reimburses psych at only 50%. I saw no need to waste the money. I didnt ollow up with the dietitian becasue he works in our office and he “expects perfection” from our patients. Those are his words, not mine. He says if he expects any less than perfection from us he is giving us permission to cheat. For a perectionist like me to hear this.. I run the other way! I know I would be just setting myself up for the inevitable failure.

Another thing that worries me about surgery is the way massive weight loss affects personal relationships. My best riend and also my sisters husband both had weight loss surgery and it afected both of their marriages. They are both divorced now. I don’t want anything to happen to my marriage. My husband weighs 400 pounds. I KNOW that if I lose a lot of weight it will be hard on him. I know mthat shouldnt effect me doing something to better myself, but it does. And my husband knows how miseralbe I am and has recently told me he would support me if I got a revision.

And lastly, I AM TERRIFIED of failing again. There is no guarentee that things will be any better this time around. Right now I feel like I am frozen in place.

Thanks for listening.
Kathy

Hi Kathy. You are so wise, you nailed it right on the head when you said, “If I don’t try and I fail, that is not as bad as really trying hard and failing. I really don’t have the confidence in my abilities to succeed, so I purposefully fail maybe?”

So let’s talk about that. I know you are terrified to fail and I an understand, none of us wants to fail. So two questions:

1. If you knew you could not fail, that it was not possible for you to fail, what would that mean for you? What would that change for you?

2. If you fell short of achiving your goals, what’s the worst that could happen?

I look forward to hearing your thoughts.

Warmly,
Dr. Kathy

Hi Kathy,
I have LOTS to tell you and it’s flooding my brain all at once so let me try my best to get it all out. I want to start with the relationships and WLS.

Yes there are many that divorce but it is because they are not properly educated. Here’s a for instance: When a couple has a baby they prepare. They do things to learn what to expect and they educate themselves on what to do when the baby arrives. Think about all the weight loss surgery couples that have NOT ONE BIT of information on what will be happening in their relationship. Left to themselves it almost always goes the same way. The woman loses weight and gets a lot of attention. The guy’s life is changing but he has to watch his wife get all the benefits and unless it is properly handled, he begins to resent it. Next she resents his resentment etc etc. If they both know what to expect it is a whole different story. I’ve received literally hundreds of emails regarding this exact situation and it’s so sad. Do not allow what has happened to others to sabotage your success. If and when you start losing the weight again I will help you and your husband to understand what to expect. It’s pretty much that simple if you are both willing to work on your relationship. The fact that so many WLS people are just thrown out there with no education makes me so sad and relationships sometimes don’t survive when they have no guidance. Don’t let this be a reason to not be successful.

If you really want the success there are many things that you must change in order to do this thing. I am picking up on some anger perhaps at the whole rules thing. I know you have made many comments about the perfection thing and the non-compliance. Slider food and drinking with meals are WLS 101 no-nos so do you really want this or are you afraid of failure? Are you self sabotaging to prove to yourself that you will fail?

You said that if you lose a lot of weight it will be hard on your husband. Won’t it also be hard on your husband when you suffer the many comorbidities of obesity? I still hear reasons why you can’t succeed and if you really believe that, it will become a self fulfulling prophecy. Wouldn’t it be awesome if you used all the energy that you are putting into worrying about failing into working on being successful? We all know this is a tool and you must put some effort into using the tool correctly.

I also don’t know anyone that does it alone. Support groups are so key. If you feel uncomfortable going to yours, find another. I’d like to suggest a book for you. It’s called “The Real Skinny on Weight Loss Surgery”.

One other thing…when you speak of coping mechanisms. I like to think of doing things to not feel the need for them. If anxiety causes this, try things that do not cause anxiety. Try to chill about the stresses in your life and turn the negativity into positive thinking.

I’m sorry this is so jumbled….I have so much I want to talk to you about and I just want you to know that you CAN do this. You deserve it, you are a worthy person that is loved and I think it’s time for you to give yourself a break. I don’t have any of the bad food in my house at night. Take some baby steps and start removing the bad habits a little at a time.

If you decide to do the sleeve, let me say that I have known hundreds…well maybe thousands of people who have had this surgery without problems. I’m going to ask you something very important…are you really afraid of the surgery or are you more afraid of failing with the sleeve?

I am dedicated to help you sweetie. Please let me know what you think about considering the support groups. Even online would be better than nothing. I have a group online that I moderate as well.

Many blessings, Coach Yvonne

Dr. Kathy,

If I knew I could not fail it would mean relief for me. So much relief. I wouldn’t have to worry about letting others down, disappointing myself and others. This would take away so much stress and worry from my life it would be unbelievable. I wouldn’t have to endure the guilt and shame I feel associated with failing.

Your question “what is the worst thing that could happen if you did fail” I assume is related to the weight loss. Obviously the worst thing is that I would remain fat and die from a weight related health problem. I would also continue to live with the shame and embarrasment of being fat. And the guilt I feel everytime I take a bite of food.

Kathy

Coach Yvonne,

I know I need to attend a support group and would be interested in your online one.

I think my fear about my relationship with my husband going bad is also rooted in my fear of abandonment. I don’t want to do anything to jepordize our relationship because I am terrified of being without him.

Yes I am scared of the surgery becasue I had a hard time emotionally after the lap band. I went thru a depression that was terrible. I am afraid of that. I am also afraid of being that one person who has chronic problems post op. I am not good at being a patient. Those are my logical fears. But I think you are right. My biggest fear is failing with the sleeve surgery too. It is horrible enough to be a failure at the lap band but to be a two time failure would be more than I could bear. What I would really like is to learn to make myself work with my band. I want to learn how to quit self sabotaging myself. Yes I am angry at the rules. I grew up with an obese mother and saw how that effected her and swore I would never be like her. I am an intelligent woman and I was also skinny until I was 27 yrs old. I an angry that I am fat and angry that I cannot control my eating. And angry that I have had a stupid plastic device implanted in my body in a desperate attempt to lose weight. And I am angry that their are rules to follow and that people monitor what I eat and comment about it. I’m angry that I have to work where I do and sit there and listen to them talk about “noncompliant patients” and know that I am one of them. I’m really pissed off at all of it to be honest. But I am also still desperate to lose weight. I think you hit tha nail on the head when you asked if I was self sabotaging to prove to mysel I would fail. Yes, I think I am doing that but if I am so afraid of failing why would I do that?

Kathy

Hi Kathy. How are you? I’m glad you are here and reaching out for support. You identified some really, really, strong emotions here in this post:

Stress
Worry
Guilt
Shame
Judgment

If you redirect your battle to address these emotions and build your coping skills you will reach a place of self acceptance. Emotional Eating is the biggest weight loss “sabotager.”

Let’s start with addressing these emotions a bit more. I’d like you to write me back putting each of these emotions in a sentence:

I feel “worry” when…

etc. for each feeling.

Here’s the important part – do not include anything about eating or food. Give it some careful thought.

You have a lot to give and do in your life. What’s one thing you would cherish doing when you lose the weight? Where do your dreams take you, imagining you’ve reached your goal? How do you see yourself?

I’m glad you are here. I’ll be here to walk you through.

With Care,

Life Coach Nova