4 Steps to Heal Your Relationships

I’ve been reading about a new kind of relationship therapy; it’s called Imago. This therapy works on the premise that we want to heal some of our childhood wounds through our current relationship. While I am not sure I am completely sold on the theory (I am just now diving into it), it is quite interesting and there is a four step process I thought we could all benefit from…

The 4 step process is called the Couple’s Dialogue and it consists of these discrete steps – that are to be done when you are listening to your partner and trying to work through an issue:

1. Mirroring – as your partner speaks, you listen and mirror by repeating or paraphrasing each statement. You might say, “Oh, ok, it sounds like you felt very hurt that I wasn’t there when you asked me to be.” You don’t need to parrot back every word your partner says, but rather, highlight the important things and reword their ideas in your own words.

2. Summarization – this is exactly what you’d think, you just summarize the key points made by your partner.

3. Validation – this is where you find some truth in what your partner has said and you reassure them that you can understand why they felt the way they did. You might say, “That makes sense because …”.

4. Empathy – in this final step, you express compassion and a heightened state of sympathy, you try to extend what you think your partner is feeling by making an educated guess about how all of this is making them feel. You might do this by saying, “Honey, I am sorry, I imagine that makes you feel …”.

So what do you think about these steps? How would this 4 step process work for you?

Dear Dr Kathy
Those are great steps to use.

Mirroring seems to work best for me because it let’s the person I’m listening to know I’ve heard them.

Summarizing is good because it gives them a chance to correct me it if I misunderstood them.

I think everyone appreciates being understood and Validated :)

I think Empathy may be the most important, because it takes us out of thinking about ourselves and toward caring more about others.

Great ideas.
Thanks
Coachjohn

Dear Dr. Kathy,
I like the Couple"s Dialogue as a process for helping couples in conflict step back and take a few deep breathes. It is so hard to hear each other when the arguing escalates.
Mirroring is a great tool to help couples stop their defensive comments and listen.

I would love to see more couples trying the Couple’s Dialogue. Let’s hear from you. Tell us how it is working for you.

Coach/Therapist Louise

Hi Coach John and Coach Louise – thanks for sharing your thoughts. You are right, when we feel down, it’s so hard to think of one positive thing to say. I often tell couples to try to find something small each day that they are grateful for or appreciate…then to share this with their spouse. For example, a husband might say to his wife, “Honey, thanks for picking up the kids from school today, I really appreciate that.” It’s fine to thank someone for something they already do or something they do every day. We all appreciate being appreciated!