Seeking Happiness

I just got out of a rocky relationship which I discovered was partly because of me. I start stupid arguments and try to stop myself. I have realized that my parents always argue and that might have something to do with me being this way. I used to argue that he didn’t spend as much time with me as he did with his friends. I need to start being more independent and stop relying so much on other people to make me happy. I don’t wanna keep being unhappy and making anyone else unhappy.

Please help me. I’m so distraught and don’t know what to do. I don’t want to continue this cycle that I have been on and I don’t want to keep hurting.

Hi tinkxposed. Welcome, I’m glad you are here.

Tell, me what patterns have you observed that you engage in that are similar to your parents relationship?

Give me an example of an argument that you initiate.

What three feelings surface when you start an argument?

When you are alone, how do you feel?

When do you feel loved and supported?

Looking forward to hearing back.

Warmly,

Nova

Hi tinkxposed,

Don’t lose hope. The fact that you have begin to realize
that you need to change is the first and hardest step to
making the change happen. And it is understandable
that you are in pain. Just getting out of a relationship
can be a difficult time. Try to find some balance with
people who can support you and try not to focus totally
on your mistakes and what you feel are your liabilities.
You have strengths and good qualities also. Becoming
independent is a good goal but it takes time.
You can start with putting some energy into
something that gives you satisfaction. Keep in touch.
We are all here for you. Coach/therapist Louise

Life Coach Nova, I have noticed that I constantly say that I will not start the same argument yet I’m compelled to bring it up at a later time. I hate arguing and yet I have realized that I’m beginning to argue over nothing. Although, the person that I was with was also my best friend and he means a lot to me. I feel that I have lost his trust completely and I don’t know if he’ll ever want to be a part of my life but in the meantime I want to make myself happy by working on my flaws. The constant argument I have made has been the abundance of time that he devoted to his friends and I wasn’t realizing the time he was devoting to me. It was just getting so frustrating because I started feeling like I didn’t matter to him and that his friends were more important than me. When I argue I feel furious, sadness and fear. I was with my boyfriend for roughly 4 and a half years and knew him for 8 years and I guess now I don’t know what to do when I’m alone. I’ve lost touch with my old friends and my sense of self. My mistake was putting his happiness before mine and now I have to start making myself happy. I feel love and supported when I’m with my friends and they try to get my mind off my problems but when I’m not with them I’m forced to face my problems again.

Thank you Coach/Therapist Louise Cohen. Your advice is helpful and I do understand that it will take time but I am willing to do whatever it takes to make me happy.

Hi Tink. You said something really interesting that helps me, as a relationship expert, have some ideas about what might be going on. You said you pick fights all the time and you don’t know why, then you said, "It was just getting so frustrating because I started feeling like I didn’t matter to him and that his friends were more important than me. " So, my hunch is that you want to do things, even negative things like fighting, to get his attention. Could this be true? If so, what would it be like to just say to him, “I feel like picking a fight now becaue if I got a reaction from you, I’d know that you cared about me, and right now, I am really longing for you to do or say something that shows me I matter to you.”

You might be right. I hate to argue though. It’s just so confusing, I hate to argue but it’s just so unlike me to keep my feelings bottled up inside. I’d rather express myself but it was getting real repetitive arguing over stupid things especially over the same things. I just hate feeling insignificant and unimportant. It might sound stupid but if I’m with someone I want to feel important in their life. I started focusing on the negative as opposed to the positive.

I have been talking to my ex and we are working on our past problems. I’m really excited because I got a job within my field today and would like to celebrate. I’m afraid I’m going to fall into the same old habits. I don’t want to get upset because he would rather spend the day with his friends rather then celebrate with me. What would be the best way to handle it? I would hate to feel like things that happen to me are not important and have to be put on hold simply because of him. He simply told me that we can celebrate during the weekend but he at times falls off with plans he has made with me yet I have yet to see him cancel or adjust plans with his friends.

Hi, Tink, How exciting that you got the job, You deserve to celebrate. So, call some other friends and create a celebration. I think this will send an important message to your boyfriend,too. He needs to know that you can have fun without him. He needs to feel that it is a privilege to spend time with you, not an obligation. Maybe if you are not so available, he’ll feel it is more important to be with you.

In any event – go celebrte! You’ve had a great success. Congratulations!

Coach Edie

Thanks Coach Edie. I don’t want to continue reliving my old mistakes and your right, I have to stop being so available. I think I’m being taken for granted again and that he’d rather spend time with his friends even with this great news. I’m tired of fighting for his attention and wanting him to spend time with me. It feels like at a moments notice he is willing and eager to do as his friends say yet if I do the same it’s according to his plans with his friends.

I’m afraid I’ve fallen into my old habits… I made the mistake of checking my ex’s phone and now I have completely lost his trust in me and his friendship. I don’t want to lose him or his friendship. What should I do? Where do I go from here?

Hi thinkxposed. What feelings were you struggling with that you felt compelled to check his phone?

It sounds like you still really have feelings for him, when you say “I don’t want to lose him.” — Tell me the feeling behind that statement.

What needs are not being met right now?

What would it take to have trust in your relationship?

Looking forward to hearing back.

Nova

He stopped telling me things and started confiding more on his friend who I feel threatened by because she interfered in our relationship in the past. I feel like she has taken my place and lately it feels like she has pretended to be my friend for his sake yet after reading some things she said about me I realize that she doesn’t truly want to be a friend to me. She tells me one thing and tells him the exact opposite. He means a lot to me not only for the years that I’ve known him but also for our friendship. He and I used to be best friends and now he doesn’t consider me anything of the sort. I can understand why he doesn’t after all the things I have done to him and taking advantage of every opportunity he has given me. I’m not sure what it would take to get trust back. I am so lost and all I want is to be happy, not just for him but for myself.

Help please.. I feel so lost

Hi Tink. How are you doing today? You said you feel so lost, tell me more….what makes you say this?

Hugs,
Dr K

I have been hanging out with my ex as friends and obviously things are confusing because I have feelings still there. He is a great person and I don’t want to lose him. I have made so many mistakes and he is still here for me. He has such a great heart but has hit his breaking point in our relationship. We are friends right now but I want to be more. I know it’s too soon and that things would be as they were before with the constant arguments. Today I started a stupid argument and I need to learn to control my anger. I see a future with him and don’t want to lose that or my friendship with him. It feels weird spending time with him as a mere friend but if that’s what it takes I have to do it. There were so many plans for our future together we had planned which hurts now that we don’t really know if we’ll get us back.

I thinkxposed. I hear what you are saying. You long to be “with” him, but your relationship is at a friend level now which feels like 3,000 steps away from his heart.

I’ve noticed a theme in your posts … starting arguments that you wish you wouldn’t. Please share an example of an argument, your feelings at the time, how he reacts, and how you feel after. Patterns tend to repeat themselves until you find solutions. So let’s work on identifying this pattern.

I’d also like to hear more about YOU. Where are you at in your life? What brings you excitement and joy? What would you like your future to look like?

Do you think it is possible your quest for happiness is being misdirected at an ex-boyfriend when really the quest is within yourself?

Deep question I know. :)

Looking forward to hearing back.

Warmly,

Nova

Our arguments often start with temper getting the best of me and me starting an argument over something as stupid as him being busy using his phone and then I refuse to talk to him. I often feel neglected even though he is spending time with me. He spends an abundance of time texting a particular friend and it gets really frustrating. It feels a bit rude since he does it so often. I used to just blow up at him and start arguing and now I would rather walk away to avoid an argument. He says it’s childish but I’ve addressed this issue with him before and he still manages to do it. He says that no one will tell him what to do and how often to do it. He went on to say that he feels that we are happier when we are not in a relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend, that the label was affecting us negatively. So as of right now we are working on our friendship and working from there. Afterwards I feel like a failure and like I can’t do anything right. I don’t want to keep hurting myself and him in the process. I’m thankful that he has been hanging out with me more, talking to me more and opening up a lot more then he used to. I want to break this vicious cycle and this pattern I have continued. What kind of a solution is there for me? I need help breaking this pattern. I’m currently a student working a part-time job which doesn’t pay much and in the meantime seeking unemployment. Financially and emotionally things are tough right now. What brings me excitement is writing and trying new things. I will graduate sometime in January and thrust into the real world. I am happy when I spend time with my ex and we just enjoy each other’s company as well. In my future I am working for a lucrative newspaper or magazine. I also imagine spending the rest of my life with my ex. He is my friend and significant other. I don’t want to give up that dream. My love for him transcends anything I have ever felt before. It hurts to know that he planned a trip for us and was going to give me a commitment ring and now that just breaks my heart. The apartment that we were going to get together and the car. Those are just painful to know and I am not willing to lose that. The problem I made in the past was putting his happiness before my own and now I am doing things that make me happy. I don’t think I’m misdirecting anything but I am fixated on solving this because of how much he means to me. I see a future with him and I want to do anything in my power to work on myself for my happiness and ours.

Hi thinkxposed,

How are you today? Thank you for sharing. I’m sure you are not alone in your present circumstances with your ex, and other members can relate. It’s difficult when you plan a life with someone and then your relationship takes a detour.

I know it is difficult to let go of the dreams you created.

Imagine if you could be just in present with your life, rather than focusing on the past, the could have’s and would have’s, what would change for you?

Do you believe it may be possible to meet someone who fits you even better than your ex?

I always reinforce with my clients that they are to be treasured, desired, and a true test to deciding if someone is right for you is how you feel after spending time with them. If you feel like the most beautiful woman, special, and full of joy … then that’s someone worth considering. What do you think?

Looking forward to hearing back.

Warmly,

Nova