This is weird, I know

Hi .. so I need an opinion on this, maybe .. or maybe just someone to tell me what to do, or what’s wrong with me, or if this is just a crazy idea I need to get over…
My name’s Amy, I’m 18 and for the last 4 or 5 years I’ve been self harming. Cutting mostly, but failing that I’ll find some way to hurt myself. I’ve seen several psychologists over this time and it didn’t quite work for me. I would be fine while I was with them, then as soon as I’m home I’m back to being weird again. It’s almost as though I’m only me when I’m alone, when I’m with people I act the same way they’re acting / feeling, I used to find it quite confusing but now I ignore it and try to not feel anything. Lately though, self harm hasn’t been my biggest problem, it’s everything else. Literally, everything.
In the last few months, my ex bf dumped me, which is fine, I got over it. But since then I’ve been in a few different relationships and they seem to go well for a week or two and then just disappear, and I’m left feeling completely empty and alone. Those are bad times for me, but not because of the boys, more because I realise how alone I actually am. And then I start hurting myself or contemplating suicide.
Um and I take things too far I think. For example, last week I accidentally left my wallet on the roof of my car, and my friend and I got home before we realised and it was gone. So we went out to look for it (I was driving) and I was so angry and out of control that I was speeding, going through red lights, changing lanes without looking etc. and I didn’t care what happened. I can see how irresponsible I was, that I could’ve hurt my friend, but I didn’t think of that at the time. I ended up getting home and smashing things around my bedroom, kicking my car etc.
Then there’s the way that I never seem to be able to stick to one thing. Though highschool when I was deciding what to study at uni, I would change my mind every few weeks. Which I suppose is normal. But i would plan everything out in perfect detail and be completely motivated to get there, then suddenly discard it for my new grand plan. I’ve dropped out of uni twice, and this week gave it a third try. I used to think it was because there were like … two parts of me, each wanting different things. I’ve sorted talked myself outta that idea.
Oh, but when I was a little confused about myself, I was also hearing this voice and seeing things in my head. It was like someone was trying to get me to kill myself, I used to think it was this other part of my. But yeah .. that’s sorted now I suppose.
So that’s part of my story, but not the main reason I’m writing today…
I had this idea the other week. It’s like, hmm it’s hard to explain the why, so I’ll go for the what: I want to nearly destroy who I am, so that I can become someone new. Like, get into the hard drugs, cut as much as I like, jump off a bridge, run through traffic. All that stuff, probably end up being locked up. And then I’ll become someone. I know it probably sounds weird to you, it’s weird for me too. But I feel that if I don’t do something like that, I’m never going to be able to become the person I want to be. My problem though, it that I’m afraid I’ll hurt the people around me, and they’ll either be disappointed in me, or disappear completely.
So .. what’s the verdict? Heard of this before? Am I not completely crazy?
Thanks in advance for your time,
Amy

Hi Amy,

Thank you so much for sharing. I want to start by saying if you ever feel you may harm yourself it’s important to get help immediately. You can go to the nearest emergency center, have a friend take you, or call the toll free, 24 hour hotline of the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1 800 273 TALK (1 800 273 8255) to be connected to a trained counselor at the suicide crisis center nearest you.

I’d like to hear back from you so I can get a better idea of everything you are dealing with.

If you could erase one experience in your past, what would it be and why?

If you could be anyone, live in any way, who would be and why?

Where does the pain come from?

Who in your life accepts you for who you are?

Who is your biggest supporter?

Let’s start there and we will continue to chat.

With Care,

Nova