It's too much...

I’ve been unemployed for the past two years. Work is very hard to find here. After a while I became depressed and gave up searching for work completely. This put a lot of stress on my girlfriend. She felt that my not trying meant that I didn’t love her. Nothing could be further from the truth. I was questioning my self worth. I convinced myself that everything would be ok even though I saw that she was about to break. Then about 2 months ago my father was hospitalized. He was in a coma for over a month. He’s still in there today and won’t be leaving for a long time. Diabetic complications. I became more depressed. About a month ago I started a fight with my girlfriend of 5 years and we split. I was devastated. I was self destructive. We live together. I have no money, no job, no where to go and no one to turn too. We were both pushed to the edge. She shut herself off and became cold. I became unstable and emotional. I still love her and was hoping that we would work it out. We had in the past. However, this past weekend I found out that she had slept with another woman. I snapped. I wanted to die. I grabbed a knife and held it to my neck. I couldn’t understand how she could do this. We were together 5 years and she took less than a month to bed someone else. I felt worthless and unloved. I went crazy and shaved my head and then sliced my wrists. I really wanted to die. At moments I still do. I am trying to be strong. It’s very hard when I have to see her everyday and think about what we had and how she has been with someone else. I know that it is not good for me to be here. I’m afraid that I will try again. If I leave here I will be homeless. I have been trying to find free counseling, but with no luck. Everyone wants money and I have none.
I even e-mailed a psychologist and told her my situation. She said that no one will help for free. I don’t know what to do.

Hello boozie76. Thank you for reaching out to us. You are taking an important step in acknowledging that you need some help.
You are dealing with a lot of very stressful issues. It sounds like many of them have evolved from you not being able to find work. Firstly, I don’t need to tell you that this is the worst employment environment since the great depression. You are not alone and your inability to find work is circumstantial and not a reflection on you. Each state has an employment development department with lots of resources. There are also great career counselors at the community colleges. Reach out to whatever resources you can find. The ones I mentioned are free. You need to start thinking about how you can re-invent yourself. Turn your adversity into an opportunity to do or be something you have always wanted. Take a practical look at what you would need to do to get from where you are to where you want to be. You may find that many of your dreams are achievable. That doesn’t necessarily mean they are easy. But to find some real happiness, you should be willing to put in some effort. Give it some thought.
As far as your girlfriend goes, if you still really care for her, I suggest you meet with her and tell her how you feel. Offer to start with a clean slate and explain that you are trying to make a fresh start and ask her to help you along this path recognizing that your behavior has not been easy for her either.
The only thing you can change is the present and the future. So, give yourself a break and quit beating yourself up over the past. Start making a plan for how you are going to make your life better.
We are here for you. Let us know what else we can do to help.

Coach Edie