SI?

I want to cut and I know how to stop. But I feel like it is just a matter of time before I give in and do it again. Any suggestions? And also I have self injured…or at less I think I have…I broke a Bobby pin in half and scratched up my legs…but it didn’t bleed very much…is that still si?

Hi Darkness22. Welcome to Feel Better Network. I’m happy to be here for you. Tell me some more about you …

How long have you had the urge to cut?

What lead up to the cutting?

What emotion is most uncomfortable for you?

Have you been in any counseling? Tell me what you know to stop, and how this has helped you.

Have you shared this with anyone, or kept it a secret?

Who do you trust in your life?

I’m looking forward to hearing back.

Warmly,

Nova

Umm well I have wanted to cut off and on for about three years. I have been sexually and physically abused…so that is what led up to it….I just feel disgusted at myself so that is the predominant emotion. Yes I am in counseling and a few people know, I know that I need to stop soon before it completely conteols my life… I have a rubber band around my wrist and that helps some…I know I need to stay distracted when i feel like hat…idk what else u want to know…I have moderate depression and PTSD.

Oh gosh Darkness, I’m so sorry. I’m so glad you are in counseling. You’ve been through more than anyone should. How old are you? And when did this abuse happen?

Do you feel safe now?

When you feel the urge to cut, you feel the need to let out pain … is that right?

I’m proud of you for making an effort to stop, yes it is harmful, and you are so deserving to be treated well, especially by yourself. Rubber bands are a typical suggestion. An alternative is dunking your hands in cold ice water. It will redirect your thoughts and soothe your nerves. It’s similar to the feeling when you go to the beach on a hot day and dive into the cool ocean … it awakens and refreshes you, and takes away troubling thoughts. Both of the these methods though are “re-directive” in order to move past the urge, you need to face the emotions that are within you. Heal from the inside – out.

What emotions do you need to let out? Can you label them?

Why do you feel disgusted with yourself? Do you blame yourself at all?

What’s the last thing you felt proud of?

I’m really glad you are with us!! Looking forward to hearing back.

I was 7 and 8 when I was physically abused. 11 when sexually abused. I am 16 now. All is taken care of from a legal standpoint…the emotions are probably anger shame failure unloveableness…if that’s a word…stuff like that. And though I do know it isn’t my fault I still blame myself…and I have no IDE what the last thing i was proud of was…

Hi Darkness. Well, I’m proud of you for reaching out!! An important first step to healing and feeling better is reaching out. :)

It sounds like you’ve shut down what happened to you, disconnected from the experiences … is that right?

I’m so sorry you went through so much. It’s just not right. Your innocence was taken … are you angry about that?

When anger sits inside too long, it turns inward … which leads to depression. What it would be like to let out the anger? Can you imagine it?

If you could say anything to the person who hurt you, what would you say?

Who can you turn to now in person? Where do feel safe?

Talk soon …

Nova

I don’t know…maybe I am angry…more just confused. I’m honestly not angry at either of the people hat hurt me. I forgave them…but I guess I still partially blame myself…idk. And to be honest I don’t wantto turn to anyone. I just want to cut away my problems.

K … I hear you.

It’s difficult to want to turn to someone when you’ve been hurt. I understand.

Let’s take a little different direction …

If you could rewrite your life right now, what would it look like?

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

If you could create an “ideal” friend, what would they be like?

If you could create a safe place that was just yours, what would it be like?

Looking forward to hearing back. :)

If I could reqrite my life it wouldn’t have abuse. I would choose to be accepted for who I am, bot what people think I am. I wish I could changethe fact that I’m Asian. My best friend is the ideal friend. She loves me without judgment. I wish I could have a place in the middle of nowhere with mountains and calm winds, no storms or extreme temperatures…random I know…

Wonderful answers!! Beautiful. I am so glad you have such a good friend! Love without judgment … ideal. That’s also the definition of self-acceptance – to love yourself without judgment.

What do you feel that people misunderstand about you? What do you wish they would see about you that they don’t?

I really like your description of your safe place! I get it! Calm, soothing, neutral, and safe … very nice. When you feel your emotions building up, close your eyes and imagine your safe place. Push away all the harsh thoughts, and center yourself in your safe place. Imagine the sounds, the smells, the calmness, the ideal temperature … Can you try that now? How do you feel after?

Great work!

Nova

They misunderstand that I am tough all the time and thanim ok. I wish they saw me as who I am without feeling the need to stereotype or judge me.

Hi Darkness. I get it! You want to just be real and genuine.

Do you live in a community that is not mostly Asian? How are you stereotyped? Are there any parts of your culture you treasure?

I have found that the first step to others truly understanding you is letting your guard down and pushing away fear of judgment. Maybe you’ve built up this wall around you to protect yourself … and it comes across of tough … when really you are sensitive and thoughtful. It sounds like you can let that wall down with your best friend. Would you be able to do the same with others?

That same wall acts like a shell not allowing emotions to pass through. The more they build up beneath the wall, the more they hurt. The more the hurt builds, the greater the pressure gets … and that’s when the urge to harm comes. So part of being free from that urge is to begin taking down that wall one block at a time. I’m proud of you, because talking here, each time you post, knocks down one block … allowing the true you to shine through.

I’m here to listen, keep writing. :)

No the community I love in is very very white. I just hate the typical Asian stereotype because I am the exact opposite…I will offend someone by saying this but I honestly don’t care about my culture. I like the food but that’s it…lol…and as for wall…I probably can’t. And I don’t want to. Sometimes I wonder if it is worththe effort to try and get better.

Hi Darkness. I’m so curious … what is the typical Asian stereotype where you live?

Are you living with family now?

The food is good, isn’t it? :) That is something!

K … I get the wall … we will let it stand for now.

Yes, it is worth effort. You have much to give the world. You are here for a purpose. You are a bright spirit, just waiting to shine. I can already see that in your words!

Tell me … you are 16 now, have you thought about what you would like to do for a career? What are your dreams?

Talk soon! Nova :)

Uhh the stereotype here is nerdy, accented geekish but freakishly intelligent, non athletic, “honorable” kid…plus short. Yes I live with my adopted family. As for careers…idk yet. Future plans? Living to finish high school alive and wig some sanity..

Oh! Well, intelligence and honor in my book are a good thing!! I understand what you are saying though. I get stereotyped too! I’m blond and tall, and have faced stereotypes all my life. There have been times when it really hurt, but I realized by adapting the attitude that I could prove them wrong gave me power. What do you want to prove wrong?

Tell me how you would describe yourself? What do you enjoy?

Are your adopted family members white? Are they supportive?

Finding your inner strength will help you. When you say you’d like to finish high school with sanity … that’s about the confusion you feel. You can’t make sense of out injustices. What happened to you was not right. There is no sense to abuse. It’s just wrong. I’m glad you are in a safe place now … do you feel safe? In order to move forward, freely, begin to let the feelings out bit by bit. And trust that you will heal. You will go on. You will do something wonderful in your life.

If you imagined anything, like going to your safe place, in your wildest dreams, how would you be living as an adult?

Talk soon …. Nova

Nor to b rude? But why does this matter? I don’t want to think about the future: that is part of the reason I cut.

Hi Darkness.

I’m curious, what has been helpful for you up to now in your counseling? What do you usually talk about?

I understand what you are saying. Yes, when you are ready, it is helpful … A big part of coming out the darkness is embracing the hope of a better life. Right now, it sounds like that’s difficult for you.

Do you enjoy writing? A great way to express yourself in the present is to write.

The best tools to combat distress, and urges to harm incorporate things you enjoy … what do you enjoy?

Warmly,

Nova

Umm counseling hasn’t helped a ton to be honest. At least not with cutting. I feel more and more confused every time I’m done. Yes I like writing…I have written a decent amount.. And as far as thugs I enjoy doing? Idk I’m losing interest in just about everything…

Hi Darkness. How are you doing? I’m online today if you’d like to chat.

I’m here for you.

Warmly,

Nova

I’m here…idk when u will be on next though…I have been self injuring more recently…and I started using a razor too. Which is making it harderto stop.

Hi Darkness. I’ll be checking in and responding to posts this weekend on FBN.

You must be hurting a lot inside. I’m glad you are reaching out. Have you tried the ice water? Many people find it is just enough to redirect their thoughts. Another method, which sounds so simple, and yet it is so effective, is to walk in a straight line for about 50 feet, then stop and turn around three times and walk back in the opposite direction. Repeat this three times. Turning around in circles makes your brain refocus on gaining balance and stability. It also sends signals for your eyes to refocus. Refocusing gives your mind a new direction and the urge will pass.

I’m glad to hear you like writing. Have you written anything lately? What type of writing do you enjoy? Poetry, creative, journal?

Looking forward to hearing back.

Warmly,

Nova

Hmm well I will try the walking…and I like to write short stories/ poetry

Hi Darkness. That’s great. I’m proud of you for searching for answers.

Poetry is a wonderful way to express your feelings. Do you share them or keep them private?

You must be creative to write short stories. How wonderful. Do you write about events in your life or more like complete fantasy?

I’m here for you.

Nova

Some are private some are public….and as far as stories they are generally true…or based off of true stories…but there is room to be creative too…