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Hi. This is my first time on here. I got referred through one of the expert’s website. My husband and I have been married for 3 years now. At the beginning of the marriage when we would fight, I would ask if he wants a divorce or just say that we should get a divorce. He explained what that did to him and I explained that I was using it as a shock so he would pay attention to what I was saying.

I went to visit family in another state over the 4th of July. While I was there I met a friend to catch up and talk about things going on in my life. I have known this friend for over 12 years. We went out drinking and I drank too much and he offered to take me to my moms house. I fell asleep in the car on the way back and when I woke up he was on top of me having sex.

I found out 2 days ago that I was pregnant and I told my husband that I was pregnant but that I didn’t know if it was his because I had slept with someone else. He now says he doesn’t respect me, can’t look at me, and doesn’t think we will ever get back to happy again and we should get a divorce.

I want to know how I could be that stupid and if there is anything to do to avoid divorce or advice on how to communicate right now.

Hi Ksand27. Oh gosh, I’m so sorry that happened to you. First, you were violated. That is not your fault. Did you share with your husband the circumstances of the situation?

I’m really glad you are reaching out, and yes I have ideas for communication. First, I want to hear how you handled what happened with your friend? Did you get any help at that time?

If this happened on the 4th and you found out you were pregnant on the 18th, then a doctor can tell you if it’s possible by how far along you are. Is it important to you find out?

I’ll help you through this.

Warmly,

Nova

I did tell my husband the circumstances of the situation later that day when we spoke. I haven’t really handled the friend. I just wanted to forget about it and that is what I have done somewhat until 2 days ago. I didn’t tell anyone at the time or get any help. I just ignored it and went about. I am going to the doctor on Wednesday. I was with my husband physically on the 5th when I got home so it will make it difficult to know whose baby it is. It is very important to find out because I think my husband may care more if it was his baby compared to some guy.

Hi Ksand. So, he wasn’t supportive when you told him? You were violated. What was his reaction?

It’s natural to want to push aside what happened, because it is painful. But, you must deal with it. Let’s start here, okay?

When you woke up, how did you feel?

Did you speak up about it at the time?

Did you blame yourself?

If you could address him about the situation and tell him how you feel, what would you say?

Would you consider reporting it? Why or why not?

I’m glad you are going to the doctor on Wednesday. I’m hoping he/she can tell you that you are farther along to consider that date!

How do you feel about the baby? A new life … how are you accepting this change?

What’s your fear at this time?

Looking forward to hearing back. …

With Care,

Nova

No my husband was upset and angry. When I woke up I felt alone, scared, and that I needed to get away from where I was at. I didn’t speak to anyone until 2 days ago. I didn’t tell anyone or let anyone think something was wrong. Yes, I blame myself for allowing myself to get into that situation. My husband blames me for that as well. I don’t want to address the person. I don’t care why he did it because it wouldn’t be a good reason no matter what. I don’t think my feelings would matter to him. I have spoken to the police but because there are no witnesses and no physical evidence now they cannot prosecute. I would be excited if it was my husbands. We have been discussing getting pregant and planned to next year. I am not excited about it now because my husband wants a divorce and I don’t want to be a single parent or lose my husband in general. I am afraid I will be divorced.

Hi Ksand. That is such a shame! Your husband needs to support you. I’m proud of you for reporting it, not only for yourself, but more often than not if someone victimizes once, they will do again … so you are doing your part in keeping someone else safe.

I would really recommend getting to a rape counselor with your husband. He needs to understand how to support you. Sometimes those who love you react in anger, when really they are angry they couldn’t protect you.

Let go of any guilt or blame, they do not serve you. Yes, it’s important to do everything you can to stay safe, but it is not your fault. What would it take to let go of the guilt and shame surrounding what happened?

Aside from this situation, how happy are you in this marriage?

Tell me what you need most from your husband right now?

I’m really glad you are speaking about it now, we will be here for you!

Nova

We are going to couple’s counseling on Saturday so I am hoping he will listen or handle things. Aside from this, I was very happy in my marriage. We communicated well or at least what I thought was well. We had discussions but not a whole lot of fights. I don’t think I can let go of the guilt or shame. It is a very embarrassing thing to deal with, especially because I pride myself on being a strong woman. Right now I just want my husband to comfort me and support me and not take actions into his own hands. I don’t want him contact the person or doing something irrational to get himself in trouble.

Hi Ksand. I understand. Here’s what’s important to state to your husband:

“I am really struggling with what happened to me. I need your comfort and support, and to know you will be there for me.”

I completely hear you when you say you are strong woman, and so this is a difficult thing to accept. But, you must reach a place of acceptance to move past it. You must let go of the guilt and shame. It was not your fault. When you reach a place of acceptance you will move out of feeling like a victim and on to being a survivor. Survivors are strong women!!

You are strong enough to face this. You do need to talk and receive support though. I am so glad you are going to counseling. I have a feeling that it will come to light that your husband’s anger is really directed toward himself and the person who violated you. Emotions are tricky, anger especially … he needs to identify it.

The first step in letting go of guilt and shame is acceptance. Next … identifying what you need. You need support, reassurance, and comfort right now … make sure you state your needs to your husband. When you do, you will be pushing guilt and shame away.

The new little baby is part of you … it sounds like you’ve been waiting to be a mom. For now, think of the baby as “yours” … doesn’t that feel better?

What do you think?

So glad you are with us.

Nova