When to call it quits?

My husband and I have not even married a year with a two year old….and we are both miserable. I have recently decided that I would like to have more of a life than sitting in front of the television. He disagrees with that, and had a fit. When I go out with my friends he texts me all night. I am in no rush to come home with the arguments waitting for me. There is a lot going on and I have been debating divorce for awhile. Now, he is too.

Hello Amandak78, welcome to Feel Better Network. Thank you for sharing your situation. It is a painful place to be when you are debating divorce. I’m glad you reached out for support. It sounds like there is a lot going on within your relationship and not much communication about finding possible solutions to your unhappiness.

I believe in counseling no matter what direction your relationship takes. Learning about yourself, how to communicate effectively, and how your emotions are impacting this relationship will be helpful for you as an individual and as parents to your daughter.

It sounds like you and your husband have found yourself in a negative cycle, and cannot see any solutions. Without knowing what to do to repair your relationship, the frustration vents itself in a fight or argument. Learning how to turn arguments into effective communicating may make a world of difference.

To take the power struggle out of an argument, talk about feelings rather than blaming one another. When one person feels attacked, defenses fly up, and a talk can quickly escalate into a fight. It sounds like with you not wanting to come home, you are anticipating a confrontation, and would rather just avoid it all together. Let’s see if we can break this negative cycle.

The first step to breaking a negative cycle sounds really simple, but when you are hurting and miserable, it can be very difficult to do. Believe you can make a difference in your relationship by taking the first step out of the cycle. You have done that Amandak78 by reaching out for help and support here at Feel Better Network! So good job.

Next, approach the difficulties in your relationship as breaking the negative cycle, rather than one another. This will remove the defensiveness and offer hope. Write down how you are feeling about your marriage. Take three statements from your writing and turn them into “feeling statements” – such as “I feel ______.” Now write down your hope for your relationship. Dream big. Think back to when you fell in love and pull from the times you felt fulfilled. Approach your husband in a disarming way, which will not raise his defenses. You can do that by starting with an “opener” – a warm statement to grab someone’s attention and help them feel open. Such as, “You are important to me, I love you; I’d like to share how I am feeling.” Have your husband follow with the same exercise. This will start you on a path to breaking the negative cycle you have found yourself in.

After you have shared with each other, talk about adding some bonding activities together. It is not uncommon for couples to find themselves disconnecting, especially when taking care of a young child requires much of the energy you had once just focused on each other. Discuss what would be fun for you both to do together. Take a dance class, go for a walk every night, find a destination you’ve both wanted to visit and go explore together. Adding something to look forward to will help bring hope back into your relationship and offer a chance to reconnect and bond.

A great book to begin reading is Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson. Take turns reading chapters and have a discussion on your thoughts and insights.

Try these suggestions to get you started and let us know what happens! I will be thinking of you, so check back in with us and keep us posted!

With Care,

Life Coach Nova