Need to concentrate

Hi all – I’m pretty new to this, but here goes. When my wife and I married nearly 22 years ago, it was for convenience. I had never gotten a girl to go out with me until her. She pushed it (going out, getting serious, marrying, having our one kid). At the time when I was in my 20s, it really didn’t matter – I figured that if I didn’t marry her, no one would ever come along. Now that I’m 45, I’ve changed a lot, and would really like to love and be loved like I’ve never felt before. It can’t be with her. As I said, I’ve changed a lot over the past few years and have become more emotional. She has not changed and won’t. I’ve tried, but she’s the same kind of person she was at 23. I’d love to find someone on the side – just so I can feel the love I’ve missed, not to hurt my wife or anyone else. However, the on-line places for that have a huge female to male ratio and I’m not exactly the best looking guy. I work in a small office, so there’s no chance there either. However, these feelings keep coming and going, and at times can consume me. So, I’m hoping that someone can offer suggestions on what to do. Leaving is really out of the question, because of our teenage daughter plus the financial impact. I just really don’t know where to turn or what to do. Thank you for your time.

Hi, Stephen,

Thank you for trying us out. I am sorry to hear that you feel like there is only one option to find the love you are looking for in your life.
Before you look outside of your marriage, I suggest you look within the relationship. You and your wife have a lot of history and a daughter that is important to both of you. You have a family that is worth trying to preserve.
I know you said that there is nothing there, but, have you talked to your wife? Just imagine that she might be feeling the same thing. The two of you could try finding a way to “re-invent” the relationship with each other. The essential element of love is friendship. In a friendship there are many important elements:
• Trust
• Sharing
• Caring
• Being able to be yourself together
• Enjoying each other’s company
A good relationship therapist could help you work at seeing if you could develop this kind of a relationship.
It would be like starting all over with a new relationship. But, you know what? It’s worth trying. Think of what you have to gain! You can develop a lifelong relationship with someone who you already have lots of history with.
Now, this may not work, but I think it’s worth the investment trying. At a minimum, I think you and your wife need to have an open talk about how you feel. Rather that tell her what’s wrong with her, just talk about how you feel (e.g., I want a more emotional relationship where I feel cared for and loved). Likewise, let her tell you how she feels. You may both learn a lot from this. This will help you toward that first step of trust. Don’t be accusing; be kind and respect each other’s right to have the feelings you have. Ask her if she wants to see if you can start fresh and re-invent your relationship.
Life is too short to live without love and support, but you don’t want to live a lie – kids see right through that and then you have also lost your personal integrity. What woman wants to have a real relationship with a man who she knows she cannot trust because he is cheating. Is this the kind of woman you want?
Deal with the problem at hand in a mature and caring way and you may find that you have other options to get what you want.

Coach Edie

Thank you – I’ll try