So lost and confused

Hey there, im new to this site so im not really sure how or where to start so, here goes. A friend referred me to this site hoping that i could find a way to….realese my feelings and maybe find a way to help start feeling better.

Ive been dealing with feelings like this for a very long time. Over these past few months ive felt them getting worse. Ive told my mom and other family members a little about how i feel ( for some reason i find it very hard to talk to my family openly about how i feel) and they say its normal.
I always find myself going through mood swings contantly ; happy, sad, angry, upset. they can occur within minutes. I have no motivation or desire to do anything anymore. I stoped carring about my appearence and i worry all the time what people think of me. I have a very hard time accepting myself for who i am. These past few weeks i find myself suddenly crying out of the blue for no reason and begin feeling very upset. Im so confused and i feel as though my life is going no where. When i see that i feel this way, i get angry at myself for not knowing why these things are happening. I always try telling myself that im just over exagerating or that i just feel this way because of certain things that have occured in the past and that it will just get easier with time. Im just very confused and dont know what to think anymore.

Hello Missmarie,
I’m so sorry you’re having a tough time. I noticed you said something about “certain things that have occured in the past”. Do you mind talking about that? Are you still in school and living at home? Maybe whatever it is that happened is where we could start.

It’s great that you’ve got a good friend that would send you here and I’m looking forward to hearing more about what it is that is bothering you so that we can help you work through your feelings.

Love and Light,
Coach Yvonne

The number one thing thats always been a problem for me is issues with my dad. He was never around when i was growing up. I never even met him till i was 8 years old. Since then, he has never been a constant in my life. He is a manic depressive and also bipolar and has refused help all his life. Because of this, and im sure other reasons also, he has always lied to me. The history between me and my dad is sort of a very long story. If you’d like, i have no problem sharing. Due to whats happen and how our relatioship turned out, i feel like i cant trust anyone. Im always on the defensive. How he treated me made me feel like i wasnt good enough and i still feel that way towards everyone and everything. Im always so affraid of being left alone by someone else, as he did to me.

Also, 3 years ago i lost the first person that was ever very close to me, my great grandmother. She was like a mother to me. I’ve always felt some sort of guilt because i always felt like when she passed i wasnt there enough for her. I feel like i should have been around more and maybe that would have helped. I understand that it wouldnt have, but i just cant help feeling that way. I was younger when it happen and i wasnt really sure how to react and just kept these feelings to myself.

There are alot of things that ive done that im not proud of at all. I find myself carrying around the guilt with me. Its almost like i remind myself of what a bad person i am every day. I cant seem to let anything thats happen go.

Hi MissMarie. I’m so glad you are with us. Carrying guilt around every day will weigh you down. Guilt is like a heavy anchor tied to your ankle, keeping you still. I’d be happy to help you break the chain to Guilt so you can feel free.

What are the tapes you hear when you feel you are not good enough? What are the words or sayings that run through your mind?

If you could erase one memory what would it be and why?

I’m sorry to hear about your great grandmother. I imagine you miss her very much. What did you value most about your relationship? What qualities did you admire in her? If you could update her on your life since she’s been gone, what would you share with her?

What would it be like to forgive yourself? Can you imagine a life free from guilt?

Looking forward to hearing back.

With Care,

Nova

It just alway seems like no mater what i do, my family is never satisfied. It seems like the things that i do, do are always overlooked and they only complain about little things that i dont do. Also, my past with my father is what initally started this and at a very young age. i was around maybe 9 or 10 when it started. With him, it always felt like there was something wrong with me, almost like somethin was missing so i never felt like anything was good enough.

If there was one memory, any memory i could erase it would be the history i have with my dad. I have seen to much, i sort of realized to much truth about him and went through a great deal and i feel as though thats one of the main causes for alot.

My grandmother was a wonderful woman. She was so kind and very non judgemental. Her home was like a second house for me. There is sooo much that has changed since shes been gone, i wouldnt eve know where to start.

If i were able to forgive myself for the past and the things im not happy or proud of, it would be amazing. I cannot even begin to imagine what it would feel like to not carry that constant feeling of guilt and disapointment every day. It would be wonderful

Hi, missmarie,

I am sorry to hear that that you are carrying so much pain and hurt. People can be so cruel and often they don’t realize they are being that way.

Having a manic depressive parent is very difficult. Especially as a child, you want to be able to trust your parent. A person with this illness does not realize that they are saying things that may be hurtful to you. You need to understand that this is a very serious illness. When the person is in a manic state, they want to give you the world and they honestly think they can. When they are depressed, they are often very depressed. I’ve seen people go from one extreme to another in a matter of hours.

What I’d like you to do is start realizing that your dad was/is ill. He has an illness that is not his fault; it is a problem with his brain chemistry. If he was blind and couldn’t see, you would not be angry with him for not being able to say what a pretty dress you had on. Well, this is not a lot different. So, I want you to change your frame of reference toward him and realize that he has an illness.
This illness can be controlled with medication, but, honestly, this group of people are very non-compliant with medication. The reason is, the minute they start to feel better, they think they are cured and go off their meds, and the spiral begins again. Also, they love the high that comes with the manic phase.
One thing that could help you is to research the disease; we have some articles on the site. My hope is that you will be able to let go of some of that anger and replace it with a mature understanding that your dad is ill. Whatever he has done or said is NOT YOUR FAULT; it’s the effect of the disease on him.
Let’s talk about this more after you read some articles on the disease.

In the meantime; be kind to yourself; you are not responsible for his behavior.

Coach Edie