Guilt

I suffer from low self esteem, and guilt. When I am alone in life, I tend to do better than when I am with people. I enjoy creating things, and more than ever wish I could indulge in creating art.
The people in my life have not been supportive. They view my desire to be an artist as frivolous. As long as I can remember being alive, I have had a strong desire to create, and allow my mind to drift and create.
I am not happy living to work at a menial job. I have been a wife and mother, designed and built a house…always wished I could design and build many!
I went through a divorce, my decision…and moved far away. I had a son with another person, although I have a grown daughter, she wants nothing to do with me.
My mom recently passed away. She left a Trust, a considerable amount. I am grateful to her and my dad. After going through a grieving period, I decided to get up and do something creative. The people who are involved with distributions from the Trust seem to have incredible hostility toward me, so much so, that they have attempted to sabotage my plans.
I feel cripled with guilt these days, that perhaps I have no right to use the funds to buy land, or create a business involving the art I enjoy.
I was mailed sentimental items, broken , jewelry …broken, chains tied in knots.
There is no other beneficiary. I feel very alone and confused by the hostility.
When I attempt to communicate with the Attorney in charge of the Trust, I am terrified.
I guess I feel as though I do not deserve the money, and that they look down on me because I do not work a normal job.
I end up disliking myself for feeling so low about myself. Only a few years ago I had helped my mother to pick out a house near me. I helped her shop and decorate. Although she never moved into the house full time, I cared for it, and her too. She stayed away and sold it. She made a considerable amount of profit, but refused to acknowledge my role in any way.
I think I will not feel accomplished until I can become a greeter at Walmart.
It seems some people believe that nothing else matters, but making the hourly wage.
Despite the fact that there is ample money in the Trust, if I do not legally fight the Trustees with vigor, I may simply crawl into a hole in a fetal position. Yet, I picture the trustees living quite comfortably off the funds they derrive from it.
I eat out at Taco Bell.
I have discovered this week that someone has interferred with a mortgage loan process I am going through. I am in danger of losing my downpayment and I atribute it to the Attorney. He would never admit to this…This purchase represented a big step out for me, it meant the first step toward relative success in reaching my goals. (Not an expensive purchase) Now I will have to defend the loss of the deposit.
I appreciate this forum, and just writing about this has been somewhat helpful. What exercises are there…to eliminate guilt?

Hi MarMat. Welcome. Thank you for sharing. I’m glad you are with us.

Tell me a bit more … I’m confused why you are the only beneficiary and yet there are trustees? Why were these trustees put in place, and who are they? Attorneys?

Guilt is like a heavy anchor tied to your ankle, dropped in the deep ocean. You constantly feel a sinking feeling and struggle just to stay above surface for air. Is this how you feel?

When did this guilt surface for you? What are thoughts that run through your mind when guilt is with you? What would it be like to be free from guilt?

I’m looking forward to hearing back and helping you through this.

Warmly,

Life Coach Nova