Broken Trust

My wife turned in Bridezilla on the day of the wedding, I have never heard this term until a friend of mine told me about it. I was very patient during the whole process and I did everything I could to make things easy, well 24 hours after the marriage she started asking for security, we have a dowry system and she demanded hers be changed to 500K. I remained calm and explained to her that all the security she needs is from me and I would if I could, however this is highly unreasonable. I suspected my mother in law had a hand in this considering her parents did not even ask my parents if they enjoyed wedding, the food or anything, I mean zero communication, even with my Grandfather who means the world to me. Well the next day according to tradition we had another wedding function and prior to this my wife just started fighting with me for no reason. She had been out with her Mom and sister and she just came in and ripped my head off demanding the 500K security. Her mom in front of me told her she was being unresonable, but it was not very convincing to me. After the wedding and all events I told her I did not appreciate the way I was treated by her or her family. She woud blame things on my parents and to a degree I agreed with her(little things), however she also said that her parents warned her about me and my family before they left to go home in the northeast. I mean it was as if her parents were trying to destroy our marriage from the get go and she was too naieve. I supported her, paid her car payments and paid rent and all utilites(she is in med school) and I got zero appreciation. I didnt want an award, just a simple thank you now and then would have been fine. During one of our arguments, I asked her do I not do enough for us? to which she responded it’s your responsibility to take care of me, your suppose to. Tradionally speaking if this is the case should she not be in the kitchen cooking up a storm? By the ways, I was doing all the cooking but she did help with dishes. I didnt mind because I love her and I still do. A couple of times during our fights I made her feel not important in my life, this I realize now was a big mistake. I know I broke her trust because a couple of times she tried to open up I shouted at her because I was so deeply hurt by her as well, it was wrong and selfish. Twice I used foul language, called her a bad name, which I am sorry for and appologized for, yet she keeps bringing it up. I never yelled at her before and the 2 months after our marriage were really tough. She had moved here from another city and I now realize I did not do as good of a job helping her adjust, even though I moved her down here by helping pack her stuff and driving all the way here. We didnt focus on ourselves and one morning after we fought I just went to work came back in the afternoon and moved my stuff out. I filed for divorce the next day and she took off within 2 days from my place. I was overwhelemed, this economy and no peace at home.

She tried calling me and contacting me for the next 2 days and I refused to answer because I was immature and deeply hurt. I really did not want to, but she constantly told me we should go file for divorce during our arguments. Divorce is a big thing for me, I didnt marry her to go divorce her 3 months later…I truly love her, but she made herself out to be very materialistic and selfish. I know I did my part in damaging us, now we are trying to work things out, 6 months later. I tell her I love her and she initally use to respond back. I know it will take time and patience. We both realize we made mistakes but I seem to be having a really hard time dealing with this.

I need to know what i can do to help her forgive and forget and to focus on the future. In the past we attacked each other and not the problem, now she recalls everything and throws the past in the present. Trust is one of the most difficult things to earn or get back, but I am sincerley trying to fix things. Perhaps I need to be more patient? We are going on Vacation together, something she has to hide from her family becuase they would disapprove. Also they think we are done, even though we are not and my family knows and are very supportive, even though she did things to make them upset. She does not know my family knows and she does not trust them because of the things her mother programmed into her mind.

We are both hurt, but I can try to look past my pain but I cant bear to see hers, especially after realizing my own faults in our inital breakage. She admits her faults as well, however I cant seem to understand why a month ago she could tell me she loves me and now she says we need to fix old issues before we travel back on that path? She changed her mind and says I dont even want to say I love you until we fix the issues.

I have asked her several times lets make a list of the issues so we can tackle them and she says that we need to talk about it in person and that over emails and phones we end up fighting. One thing I have noticed is that if I dont agree with her she thinks we are arguing…I dont push my opinions on her and I respect hers and when I give mine she tries to run away. She’ll say she has to get off the phone or can we talk about this later…she even gets angry! It seems like we almost switched roles, except I would always try to respond positive with positve, she does not even do that…She is okay with going on Vacation with me, which I paid for, I sometimes feel like I’m being used…she just turned 26

What can I do to help rebuild trust? We need counciling but initally how can I get her to open up, she has admitted she has a wall and now has a tust issue based on the fact I left her, but it takes 2 to tango and she def did her part. I can forgive easier than she can, is there anything I can do to help or is this something she has to figure out on her own?

thanks

Hi,
I’m another user not a therapist, but I admire you for your honesty about your part in the conflict. That’s really brave and aware. I think counseling would help. If she won’t go, maybe you can go by yourself? It could help you figure out how to approach her and fix things.

Hi OneMoreTry. Thank you so much for your post. I am really touched by what you said and I can hear that you are in a great deal of pain. You sound as though you are willing to do anything to save this relationship and I can only imagine how much you are hurting right now.

The questions you are asking are very good and very important. Essentially, you’re asking: how do we rrepair our relationship after trust has been broken and how do we reconnect?

In order for us to feel close to someone else, we have to feel as if they “have our back,” are on the same team, and will keep us safe. My hunch is that through all of these arguments wherein you both talked about divorce, you both came to feel that you couldn’t rely on the other one, that your spouse was not a safe person to turn to.

So the first issue to address is how to make you and your spouse feel safe again. To do this, I’d like you to sit down and think about what you need from her in order to feel a bit more secure. It might be things like: (1) I want us both to remove the word “divorce” from our vocabularies, (2) I would like you to listen to me when we are arguing, (3) I want you to stay focused on one issue when we’re fighting. This is just a sample list; I hope it gives you some ideas for making your own list.

While you are working on your list, invite your wife to make one of her own. You can do this by saying, “Honey, I realize now that we have been fighting so long and so much that it’s really hard for us to talk. I even wonder if you feel afraid to tell me how you’re really feeling. I want to be able to tell you what I am feeling and I am a little nervous to do it, but I was thinking that if you and I both spent some time making a list of what we each need to feel safer or more secure, that we could have coffee on Saturday and talk about it. What do you think?”

Hopefully, she will agree, you can each make a list and then you can have a meeting where you talk about it. The one thing I know for sure is that nothing heals a relationship like emotion – that is, if you really want to make changes in your relationship, you have to be willing to be really open, honest, and say how you are feeling.

Once things are a little safer for you two, I am hoping you’ll continue with therapy and keep working to identify the negative cycle that happens between you. You very correctly identified that you each have done things to contribute to the cycle – she pulls away, you feel hurt and rejected, so you fight back, then she pulls away. This creates a vicious cycle that just keeps going until we start doing things differently.

To help you understand and break your cycle, I can recommend two things:

1. Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson – the best book on relationships and a must-read for all of the couples in my practice.

2. A series of activities I developed to help couples understand their cycles and how to brak through: http://www.drkathynickerson.com/relationship_re…

I’d recommend reading the book and doing the activities as a supplement to therapy.

I hope this will help you start to rebuild the trust you are seeking. Please keep us posted, we’re here to help.

All my best,
Dr. Kathy