have I been molested or not?

Is my experience considered molestation?
I am a 22 year old female now but when I was 8, I had a male friend/3rd cousin who was a couple of months older than me pull his pants down and try and make me have sex with him….I just ran away however he kept asking me in a manipulative and threatening tone whenever we were alone which was often because our families hung out together all the time and we were often playing outdoors in the forest together. I gave in one day when we were playing alone in the bushes even though I didnt want to, and I felt so guilty and dirty…..it didnt end here, every time we hung out together from then on he\’d want to have sex….for some reason I just couldnt say no even though I NEVER wanted to do it and felt incredibly guilty after each time. He got my sister involved and a few other kids, boys and girls experimenting on eachother….I guess it was a little pleasurable but it didnt compensate for the feeling of guilt afterwards, it just felt SO WRONG. I remember crying myself to sleep nearly every night and praying for half the night that God would forgive me.
This guy was a bully at school and I think myself and the other kids involved were afraid of saying no to him for fear of being teased….so this went on for a couple of years ALL the time and my sister and I didnt tell anyone. I felt so ashamed and different from other kids and think it affected my self esteem….I finally told my Mum and she just told me to be assertive and tell him not to do it. I did but it didn’t work, He kept asking in different situations. I complained again as the behaviour was getting out of hand, starting to make us do oral sex and showing me porn magazines! So my My Mum told His Mum and I think he got in trouble because it didnt happen again …for a while until I was 12 and he started hugging me from behind whenever we were alone and pressing his penis into my backside…this is really embarassing….I come from an isolated place and see this \"friend” all the time. Even though it stopped when I left home, I just wander whether this experience could have been the reason for my self esteem issues I struggle with now, (eating disorder and low levels of trust towards men…I just push them away)…Is there something wrong with me? Why didnt I say no, after all he was my age? I just wish I could rewind to that time in my life and say no so I didnt have to feel this weight of shame and guilt…Is this molestation or just a “kid” thing?, so many questions.

Hi, Zoe, thank you for coming to us and sharing what must be a big burden for you to carry.

The first thing I would say is when this all began you were both kids. You did not have the maturity to understand what was going on or to resist a bully. Were you at fault? My answer is NO – you were a child. Your cousin happened to figure out an effective way to bully you.

My recommendation to you is to forgive yourself for just being an immature child – not your fault; that’s what you were. You did not have the interpersonal skills or judgement to be able to deal with the situation. Most 8 year olds wouldn’t!

But now you are an adult and know better. You don’t need to feel guilty or angry. You were just a victim of being immature. You now have control over your life and won’t let inapproprite things happen to you.

As far as the cousin goes, if it would be helpful to you to have a conversation with him about this, go ahead. He too was a kid, so I suggest that the two of you give each other permission to forgive each other. It is okay for you to tell him how angry you are that he put you in this position of feeling such guilt and anguish, but if he too realizes it was wrong, you might both acknowledge how sorry you are to be caught up in an unfortunate circumstance. Try to let him know your feelings but also to bring the issue to closure – that was then, you are both adults now and it’s history.

I’m not one to brush things under the rug, but this is a situation with two immature children who are now adults. So my feeling is that you now need to deal with this as adults and bring it to closure.

I am sorry you have had to carry this burden. I have seen others beat themselves up over a childhood behavior only to find thar the other person had no idea or forgot the incident. That is probably not your situation but accepting this as childhood behavior and forgiving yourself is probably the most positive thing you can do.

Please write us back if you want to discuss further.

Coach Edie

Thankyou for your counsel. Seeing this as childhood behaviour has helped me deal a whole lot better with the guilt. However I am curious as to whether this situation could have contributed to some current behavioural traits of mine….like my fear of hugging and some other self esteem issues that are impacting my day to day life…

Hi, Zoe,

Most likely those childhood experience have affected your current behavior. Because you were confused and conflicted about them, I suspect you have entered later relationships with those same feelings. You now have to “reprogram” yourself to respond differently and can do this by consciously saying to yourself with each encounter, “This is okay and I can trust this other person”.

Even apprach a hug upon greeting a friend as a new experience. Say to yourself. This is okay; I am going to show my friend I care about her and I can trust her. Then let yourself just feel the genuine emotion of friendship. In time, you should begin to have more positive feelings. As you learn to accept these new feelings, you should start to respond differently.

Hope that helps. I will ask Dr. Kathy to give you some additional advice.

Coach Edie

Thankyou, I will try out those tactics and Id also really appreciate the input from Dr. Kathy. I guess what Im ultimately trying to figure out in my mind is and recognize is, are the effects of this experience similar to sexual abuse and worthy of seeking professional help to overcome my current behaviors and feelings, or are the effects of the experience not the same because it was just a “kid thing”. I dont want to disclose this experience to a psychologist, unless I am certain this experience is “worthy” of recieving help for.

Hi Zoe. Thank you for sharing your story. I’m sorry you’ve been holding in so much pain.

If you could let go of one thing that holds you back, what would it be?

I get the feeling you lost your sense of innocence and trust. Is this right? What would it take for you to trust?

Letting go of past trauma and hurt takes time and a willingness to be in the present. When was the last time you felt completely joyful, lost in the moment? Tell me the details.

Tell me your three greatest strengths.

Looking forward to hearing back.

Warmly,

Life Coach Nova

Hi Zoe. Thanks so much for your post. I especially appreciate your posting because it’s very sensitive information and I am glad you feel safe here.

I agree with Coach Edie’s feedback that this was a mutual “exploration” between two kids. I hope your cousin was not trying to hurt you and was trying to be playful. However, I don’t think his conduct was great and if he was a child that I was responsible for, I would have gotten him into some counseling for being so sexually aggressive.

I don’t think you did anything wrong honey – do you?

You also wrote that you don’t know if you are worthy of help. Please know that you are absolutely worthy of my or anyone’s time. If you feel that this is something that is holding you back, please know that you’d be welcome in any therapist’s office.

I like the direction Coach Nova is taking you in, so give her questions a shot and then we can talk more….

Big hugs,
Dr. K