Don't Feel Human

I feel like I’m not a whole person, like I don’t have a soul. I don’t know how to foster healthy relationships (friendship, family, spouse) and I don’t think I even know how to love. I feel fake and I don’t feel human.

Hello, again, Katchoo,

I so enjoyed your inspirational message so found this one out of character.

Please tell us some more about why you feel the way you do?

Is there something that happened recently that made you feel this way? How long have you felt this way?

Please tell us a little about your life situation. I there something going on there that is contributing to you feeling this way?

We’re here to help you but need a little more to go on to give you some guidance.

Coach Edie

Thank you for replying, Coach Edie. My inspirational post may help others, but I don’t feel it applies to me.

I think I’ve always felt this way, at least for as long as I can remember. I don’t know how to relate to people. I don’t know how to empathize, though I have tried to. I just don’t connect with people. I feel a lot of things, like anxiety and self-consciousness and I think maybe I’m too busy stuck in my own head to really be able to connect with the outside world. People make me uncomfortable and I don’t feel like I’m cut from the same cloth as them. I always feel like an outsider, like I’m fundamentally different from the rest of my species and I don’t belong. I feel like I’m not worth as much as other people. I have no real sense of self and I don’t feel like a whole human being. There’s something very important missing in my and I wonder if it’s my soul, if I don’t have one.

I long to connect and feel like I belong, and I try to make this happen all the time but everything is shallow and feels fake. I don’t think anyone really loves me because they can’t relate to me either. I think even my mother only stays in contact with me and treats me well because she feels that’s what she’s supposed to do, but she doesn’t even like me. Actually, I think there’s only one person on this planet who truly loves me and I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop with him. Sometimes I think it’s one big joke he’s playing on me or like my family hired him so I wouldn’t be alone and get on everyone else’s nerves. I know that sounds crazy. Sometimes I fear I am crazy.

All I know is that something is wrong with me inside. I tried psychotherapy for a year and a half and it helped with the daily management but I don’t feel like anything was really resolved in the end. I’m scared and so tired of feeling this way. I would appreciate any help or advice you could give me.

Thanks for listening.

Hi Katchoo. Thanks for your great post, what you wrote is really interesting and honestly, I think many people can relate to your feelings.

Let’s start with this: you said, "I long to connect and feel like I belong, and I try to make this happen all the time but everything is shallow and feels fake. " Can you tell me more about this? What makes you think that you are not connecting with people? Is it something you feel or is it something others tell you?

I look forward to your thoughts.

Warmly,
Dr Kathy

What makes me feel like I don’t connect with people isn’t anything they say to me, it’s just their general reaction to me and the fact that the relationships never really get intimate and they usually fizzle out quicker than I would like. When I talk to people, I’m so nervous about actually talking to them and I feel so inferior and I end up talking when it’s my turn to fill the gap, but at the end of the conversation, I don’t feel like it was a quality one or that we came to understand each other better or have even shared the same conversation. I also miss key ques from people in conversations ‘cause I’m so worried about filling those silent gaps and trying to relate to them and have a positive conversation. When I walk away, I always end up reviewing the conversation in my own head and kicking myself for responding the way I did when I should have responded another way instead. It’s like I get so freaked out while talking to people that I’m approaching the conversation from a defensive standpoint, just trying to hit a ball back & get it out of my court and not really absorbing what the person is saying (with words & body language) until afterwards.

I feel like I’m walking around in a human costume just trying to fit in & be a part of the whole but none of it is real… and I feel like everyone else can see that too.

Hi Katchoo. Nice to see you here again. Thank you very much for sharing with us.

Tell me, when you say you feel like you are walking around in a human costume, do you feel like that when you are surrounded with people? How do you feel when you are just quiet by yourself?

Where is the safest place for you? Where do you feel at peace?

When was the last time you felt proud?

If you could change one thing about your life, what would it be?

Looking forward to hearing back.

With Care,

Nova

Hi LifeCoachNova,

Yes, I feel like I am walking around in a human costume when I am with other people. I also feel like that when I’m by myself when I start thinking about how I have interacted with people during the course of the day or prior interactions, but I usually feel at least a bit better when I am alone.

The safest place for me & the place I feel most at peace is at home or out in nature… I think probably more so out in nature than even my own home.

I do feel proud of myself from time to time, but the moments are always fleeting and when they pass, I can’t believe I felt proud ever at all. I think the last time I felt proud was when I pulled a 2 year old out of a swimming pool over two years ago. The last time I felt proud on a semi-regular basis was when I was working and felt competent in my job. I felt needed and valuable. I haven’t worked in almost three years and the last two years I was working I didn’t feel proud or competent.

I have a wonderful life. I’m married to my dream guy, I have a smart, handsome, sweet two year old adopted son, I’m 5 1/2 months pregnant with my first natural-born child (though I can’t fully quit a smoking habit, which is making me feel horrible!), I have a beautiful home, which is filled with three loving dogs & three cats, and I’m finally back in school (which I’ve wanted for years!). Really, I love everything I see around me and to an outside observer, they probably wouldn’t understand why I’m so upset. If I could change one thing about my life, it would be me. I don’t like who I am. The list of things I want to change about myself is incredibly long and ranges from the superficial things like needing some dental work & a dermatologist, to the mental (I have a horrible memory and feel plain old ditzy way too often), to the spiritual (connecting with people, not having a deep purpose in life, feeling like I don’t have a soul).

I’ve always felt this way, as long as I can remember. I’ve always felt less than others and out of place. I’m always surprised any time someone wants to actually be around me. I think it stems back to my upbringing. I always felt like I was in the way and no one really enjoyed my company so I tried to be as quiet and unobtrusive as possible… I tried to be invisible so I wouldn’t bother anyone. Now I feel more comfortable when I can play the invisible role but it also makes me very sad to be invisible. I’ve had suicidal thoughts on a regular basis since I was 14 years old. I still have them on a regular basis, even though I’m pregnant and a mother. I pull myself through these times and haven’t had a suicide attempt since I became a mother, but the feeling is awful and I feel even more trapped than ever ‘cause I know I can’t just take myself out and end my misery. Part of me wishes I had been successful with killing myself before I made such a commitment to my family. I often feel the world would be better off without me or at least that no one would notice. That is, outside of my family, whom I know would be pained if I did, which is why I don’t.

I can’t go on like this though. Something has to change, big time. I need to be happy ‘cause right now I’m just living for other people and I’m miserable most of the time.

Tell me, do you believe that the human soul actually exists? If so, do you think it’s possible for a person not to have one or to have a defective one? Why do I feel like I’m not a real person & how do I make it better?

Please help in whatever way you can.

Thanks,
Katchoo

Hi Katchoo. I’m online today, so I hope to hear back from you soon so we can chat. I hear deep suffering in your words. My heart goes out to you.

It sounds like you are grateful for your family, home, and being a mom. Commitment does give us purpose … that purpose you feel keeps you motivated to keep trying. Purpose also connects you to your soul.

Yes. We do have souls. We do have spiritual energy. Your soul is there, but it sounds like you have disconnected from your spiritual energy, and likely at a young age. I’d love help you reconnect your soulful knowledge.

Tell me more about your childhood. Why did you feel you needed to be invisible? Were there any traumas in the family? What words do you hear when you feel like no one wants to be around you?

Just to be cautious, if you ever feel you may harm yourself, it is very important to seek help immediately. You can always call the suicide hot line for a trained counselor and immediate assistance. 1 800 273 TALK (1 800 273 8255)

Looking forward to hearing back from you.

With Care,

Nova