Are we beyond repair?

My fiancee and i have been together for almost 5 years and engaged for 3 years. We had planned a wedding for July (our 5 yr anniversary).

Our problems started about a month ago when he blew up about all the flaws in our relationship. I will admit it, communication isn’t our strong suit, but we are working on it. We are both 25 and have been through a lot in our relationship. i have had a miscarriage and through his deployment to Iraq last year. Since he has gotten back, he has completely changed.

He has a friend that when they get together, I just don’t trust them. His friend is very manipulative and his wife is too. I feel like they put stuff in his head that causes conflict. I am also always left out of the picture. It is like they are the 3 musketeers or something and I am the spare tire.

Since we have talked he has pretty much given me an ultimatium that I move in with him or he is gone. He thinks that is the only way that relationships work if you move in before the marriage. We come from 2 different backgrounds where my families marriages have lasted a really long time, but all of the relationships on his side have ended in divorce, etc. I am not comfortable moving in with him. He has thrown all of this up in my face like 3 mths before the wedding. Do you think that this is him saying no to the marriage? He says that i am childish b/c i still live with my parents and b/c of that I haven’t grown up. I will graduate with my degree in August and have been looking for a house.

I am just so over the drama. Things are so crazy. I have been upset for way too long and want to make some decisions.

The one thing that i know I haven’t said is that I love him with ever piece of my heart.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. We are together a lot. I am there the majority of the time except for when i go to work or sleep. Am i smoothering him? Should I back off? I hate feeling left out. I am so confused.

Hi there. Thanks so much for your question. I can hear the pain and sadness in your note and I am sorry you’re going through so much right now. I am really glad you turned to us for help.

You said some really important things that I think we need to explore further.

First, you wrote, “Since he has gotten back [from Iraq], he has completely changed.” As you may know, many of our returning service personnel are suffering from profound Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), which can cause significant changes in personality and mood. The diagnostic criteria for PTSD, per the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders IV (Text Revision) (DSM-IV-TR), may be summarized as:

A. Exposure to a traumatic event
B. Persistent reexperience (e.g. flashbacks, nightmares)
C. Persistent avoidance of stimuli associated with the trauma (e.g. inability to talk about things even related to the experience, avoidance of things and discussions that trigger flashbacks and reexperiencing symptoms fear of losing control)
D. Persistent symptoms of increased arousal (e.g. difficulty falling or staying asleep, anger and hypervigilance)
E. Duration of symptoms more than 1 month
F. Significant impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning (e.g. problems with work and relationships.)

PTSD is commonly treated using a combination of psychotherapy (cognitive-behavioral therapy, group therapy, and exposure therapy are popular) and medications such as antidepressants (e.g. SSRIs such as fluoxetine and sertraline, SNRI’s such as venlafaxine, NaSSA’s such as mirtazapine and tricyclic antidepressant such as amitriptyline)or atypical antipsychotic drugs (such as quetiapine and olanzapine).

As such, the first step that I would encourage you to take is to help him enter some counseling. If he’s still in the military, there should be a family services unit that can offer some free counseling to him. If he is reluctant to seek counseling on-base, there are many off-base counselors who specialize in treating PTSD.

You also said that he has “given me an ultimatum that I move in with him or he is gone.” I am not a big fan of ultimatums because they force a decision and involve threatening the relationship. I would encourage you to tell him how you feel about moving in together, that you understand why it is important to him, and that you hope he can understand why/why not you choose to move in. It sounds like you know what you want – that you do not want to move in before you are married – and I think it’s important for you to act in ways that you feel good about. In other words, act in ways that you won’t regret. If he tells you that the relationship is over because you won’t move in with him, that would sound a lot like bullying to me and I doubt that you’d like to start your marriage feeling like you’re being bullied and forced into something you want.

Lastly, you asked, “Do you think that this is him saying no to the marriage?” I am not sure and I would advise you to find some quiet time where you can sit down and talk about all of the above. It sounds like you love him very much and would like things to work out. In order for that to happen, it’s important to understand why these challenges are surfacing now, what he hopes to accomplish by your moving in before the wedding, and how you guys can work together as a team.

For a little more help, I’d strongly encourage you to read Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson – it’s by far the best book for couples on the market.

I hope this helps! Keep me posted.

Warmly,
Dr. Kathy