How long will it take?

My husband isn’t showing me any affection, there is little to no physical contact. He goes to sleep next to me but does not say good night, “I love you”, or give me a kiss unless I ask him for one. I told him that I had a great weekend with him and that I had a lot of fun. His response was, “Yeah, me too.”. This was like a dagger in my heart. I asked him if he is starting to feel any different about feelings towards me and he responded that he didn’t know because he hadn’t though about it. I know I need to give him time. Am I expecting to much to fast? What is a good time frame to start seeing the affection return?

(This was an anonymous comment sent to Dr. Kathy for comment)

That’s a great question! If you are your spouse are trying to rebuild your relationship (i.e., after an affair, after a time when you’ve grown apart), you have to move very slowly.

In terms of time, there really isn’t a great way to know. Some people can start to be more affectionate in a couple of weeks; others take a while longer. Typically, the more emotionally hurt and shut down someone has been, the longer it takes for them to physically recover. If he is saying that you guys are good friends, I’d focus on that and keep trying to encourage closeness. He may not initiate physical touch for a while, so between now and when he is ready to reach out, feel free to gently initiate touch between the two of you…small steps, like hugs, light kisses, holding hands. Let me know how he responds to these gentle signs of affection.