Confused and Worried

I have been with my bf for a while now and the other day I was looking at our computers online history and found gay porn. I asked him if he had ever watched gay porn before but I didn’t tell him I found the history online. There were a few videos I found and its only he and I that live here so I know it was him. He said he has never watched gay porn before. I am really confused and worried now that maybe he is hiding that he is gay, bi or just curious. I know some straight women watch lesbian porn because it focuses more on the female but also because its a fantasy of losing control and being dominated by a women. I dont know if it’s the same for straight men? He also, wants to have anal sex with me and watches porn where women have anal sex. I dont know what to do or if it’s normal. I know he is very interested in women and hes very attracted me and loves me. I cant stop thinking about this and dont want to talk about something so personal with my friends and family. Please help.

Hi Rianne, thanks for sharing a very sensitive issue and I know it must be a shock for you to find out about this stuff. Ultimately, if you want to continue the relationship with your boyfriend, you will need to have a conversation with him—or many conversations—about this.

However, you might need to be clear about your own feelings first. Such as how do you feel about gay behavior? How would you feel if he did admit he was gay or bi? What impact would it immediately have on your relationship? How do you feel about experimenting sexually? How do you feel about porn? Where do you want this relationship to go? Is he good for you?

Lots of unknowns right now—and there’s no simple or easy answer for you. A lot depends on your own feelings and thoughts about all this and where you want the relationship to go.

Please let us know some more about you and your thoughts & feelings.

Hi Rianne. Oh, I am sorry you found that in that way. It must have been a shock and that’s a tough shock to get. I really agree with what Mike has written; you do need to talk to your BF about this and learn more. There could be a lot of unknowns here, maybe he was just curious, maybe he is into it, we just don’t know. If you could ask him anything, without worrying that he’d be upset, what would you like to know?

Hi Rianne. I understand your concern. Mike raised some very good questions. Have you been able to talk to your boyfriend about this yet?

Let us know how you are doing.

Warmly,

Nova

Hi,
Thank you for getting back to me I wasn’t sure if it would actually work.
I like to think Im a very understanding person and I hate to judge. I have gay friends and and know someone who was in a faze where they were curious about the same sex. I have no problem with it.
I don’t believe he is gay, I feel like he is either curious or bi. Hes very attracted to me sexually. I love him and were best friends and I would still love him just as much if he told me he was bi.. or whatever he could told me. It would change the relationship of course but im just not sure how. I have done a lot of thinking about this. I remember once my sister dated a guy who was bi and I literally said “ew, I could never.” Now, I feel like if he came out I would feel closer to him. It’s hard for him to open up but he does. If he is bi or whatever it is, it will be very hard for him to open up to tell me about it.
He and I are sooo great together and we always say so. We get eachother and things are just easy. At the beginning of the relationship however, we had problems because he was flirting with girls and not acting serious with me but after a few conversations he told me he liked the attention and that he will stop because he loves me and it’s not worth losing me over it. He said he did it for attention and that he would never have cheated on me physically or anything more. I bring this up because I find it confusing and interesting comparing it to what I know now.
I have no problem with porn..but when my bf who I believe is straight is watching gay porn… now that’s a problem in our relationship.. moslty because its a lie.
He and I always talk about our future and I know he does love me and loves being with me and wants to have a future with me.. but right now, its all in question with me if he really does want that.
The other day actually..i had left the house but forgot something and had to run back into the house. I was gone for about 10 minutes and when i walked in he was actually watching porn.. but it was two males and a female. I froze because it was uncomfortable for the both of us. He said “there was a girl and a guy and then all of a sudden another guy came in..”. It was uncomfortable too because I dont want to tell him what I found and put him on the spot like that. That night I just asked him straight up.. if he liked gay porn and it turned him, if its just a fantasy, if he was bisexual.. and his answers were all no. A very calm but quick..no. So, thats another clue I feel because if a straight man was asked if he was bi or gay.. he would be weirded out I think. All I said after that was that if he was, or if it was just a fantasy or curiousity that its okay and nothing would make me love him any less..but I just dont want any secrets or lies in our relationship.
So, Im in a weird spot. I love him, I dont want to make him feel uncomfortable or force anything out of him. I just dont know where to go from here now.. I know he wont bring it up again.
Thank you so much for responding and helping me out.

Hi Rianne. You are so welcome. And yes, it does work here! :) We care and are here to listen.

Gosh, this is a tough situation. I’ll be honest with you, it sounds like your boyfriend doesn’t want to be honest with himself. And that doesn’t mean he’s ever been in a sexual encounter with a man. But, obviously, he’s very curious.

My thoughts are: If he is struggling with accepting his true identity, that’s understandable. There is so much pressure and judgment in the world. However, if you are being strung along, then that’s hurtful. And he might not even realize that.

Second: It sounds like you know what the truth is, but accepting it means a whole big change for the both of you. Is that true?

I’ve heard this story quite a bit. Often it’s after marriage, kids, and a lot more complication.

I think the answer here is acceptance. You seem to be quite accepting, and really I couldn’t advise to handle it any better than you have. My only suggestion is to be real with yourself, trust your judgment and instinct.

What do you think?

Warmly,

Nova

Hi Nova,

Thank you for your thoughts. I understand exactly what you are saying. I do feel I know the truth and yes, I feel like he cant accept himself. I have read up on bisexuality and if that is his sexuality then I think I can accept it but I would need to work on understanding it a little more. He is a very masculin type of guy and it would be a big shock to many in his life. I have been trying to think of his family and how they would feel about it and I don’t think they accept or understand different sexualities.. which, doesn’t help him.
I don’t want to be strung along and later find this out. I just can’t force anything.
hmm..

Hi Rianne. How are you? Wondering if you had any further conversations with your boyfriend…

Let us know how you are doing.

Warmly,

Nova