Problems in Paradise

Hello Kathleen,
My husband and I have been married for three years. But we’ve known and dated off and on for the last 6 years. We have a one year old daughter together. The problem is we have been fighting constantly. I didnt do that, he has to do this, etc. We dont communicate what so ever which is know is a HUGE problem. We dont make love we have plain out sex, its probably been almost two years since we’ve made love. I love this man with all my heart and will do anythign to make our relationship work but I cant do it alone and I just feel this big brick wall in between us were we cant get where we use to be.
-Kylee

Hi Kylee. Thanks for your question and I am glad to hear there is so much love your heart. I think there’s a lot you can do to break through the brick wall you describe.

We know a couple of key things about couples who are struggling: (1) they are trapped in a negative cycle, where they seem stuck in the same hurtful spiral, and (2) the key to breaking the cycle is emotion!

The cycle is a never-ending feedback loop, where we make each other out to be the bad guy. Everyone feels hurt, unheard, and pushed away when we’re caught in a cycle/spiral. When we’re in the cycle, the more one of you attacks, the more dangerous you appear to be, the more we look for attacks, the harder we hit back. So we must break the cycle…..

There are two important steps you can take now to breaking the cycle:

First, realize that the cycle – not your partner – is the enemy. You are not each other’s enemy, you love each other. We are never more emotional than when our primary love relationship is threatened, so if both of you are acting in negative ways, that make lots of sense to me. You’re both hurt and upset.

Second, negative cycles always start when one person reaches out for the other and could not make safe emotional connection. We are really moved when those we love show their deepest emotions to us, but to do that, we have to feel safe.

So your goal is to identify your cycle, recognize how you impact your partner, then become a safer, more vulnerable person for your partner to open up to.

It’s not quite as easy as it sounds, but by knowing this secret, you are much, much closer to making your relationship better. To help you get started with identifying your cycle, I’ve created the following worksheet and I hope it will help you: http://www.drkathynickerson.com/HW_Couples_Wk2.doc

After completing the worksheet, I hope you will think about some ways to break your cycle and some ways to bring your partner closer. An idea to get you started is to say something like, “Honey, I have been thinking a lot about what’s been going on and I realized we’re stuck in a cycle where I _______________________. I wonder if I’ve made you feel ___________________ and this thought makes me so sad, because I really love you and I want to make things better. I want you to know that I am on your side and I am here for you. How can I help you to feel more comfortable and more loved?”

Also, there is a fabulous new book out that I recommend to all of the couples I work with – it’s called Hold Me Tight by Susan Johnson. It’s the best relationship book for struggling couples and I couldn’t recommend it more highly.

I hope this helps and I wish you all the best.

Warmly,
Kathy