How are you? Need someone to listen?

Hello,

How are you today? Wouldn’t it be nice to lay all your worries down here and let us offer you some support, care, and advice?

I’m here to listen, and I care. Join the conversation!

Warmly,

Nova

Hi I am in a period of tremendous growth as a person and am very proud of this. I wanted to get an unbiased viewpoint of a couple things I am dealing with. The big one is this: All my life I haven’t felt comfortable in my skin. I felt the real me was hiding in there somewhere but never surfaced. My biggest hobby/interest has always been names. I named my dolls and pets. I was picking out children’s names from age 9. I am not talking oh I like this name and moving on. I am talking deeply obesessed with it. Well I discovered a few months ago I had cancer and because of that can no longer have children. I went through a grieving process then was surprised and a little embarassed that I grieved the name more than the child. Thought about adoption for a bit then came to peace with no children. I think I would make a good step mom but other than that am good with this. Then a little voice was saying it could be your name…(I have used it as an online alias for many years) Well the more I thought about it the more I thought it could be a good idea. I would take it legally as my middle name but try to get as many people as I could to call me it. Well sorry to be so long winded but the point I wanted to get at is I keep thinking these thoughts like Adelissa is a good person Adelissa would do this Adelissa wouldn’t do that and insodoing I think I am coming to like myself more and see myself more clearly as to what is good what I want to be and how I want to be perceived in life. My concern is is this healthy or is there something wrong with me? I just feel like this is my chance to be the real me and the name is symbolic in that.
The other two areas in my life that I am working on are independence and discipline. I think that sums all my life issues up. Without writing too much I simply need to be more disciplined in my time, my health including exercise and weightloss and doing what I want to do instead of thinking about it. Financially I am at an all time low and am living with my parents while I recover from cancer. I should have a clean bill of health by the summer baring any reoccurence. I need to get a job be on my own and start building my life. I am tired of feeling like a child. I have had a lot of mental problems in the past with depression and life hurdles and never moved out on my own. I didn’t want to really. I wasn’t a moocher this whole time mind you. I had some jobs helped out with the bills but there was always this warm safety net. Well I am getting to the point at 29 years old that I am ready to finally grow up and feel strong enough mentally and of course this would be the point where I am not physically lol. but I will get there.
Anyway thanks for letting me spew on. Any tips on the two areas I want to grow and thoughts on the name change would be appreciated greatly! btw my mom is ok with it, brother thinks I am slightly nuts haven’t told anyone else yet.

Hi Adelissa. Thank you for reaching out to us. Welcome. I hear that you’d like a fresh start. A chance to redefine yourself, create your true identity, leave behind any past regrets, and be free to create the future of your dreams … does that sound right?

Names are very symbolic. They represent who we are, and research shows they actually have an influence in shaping our personality.

I’m curious about a few things:

What is the name your parents gave you at birth? What does this name represent to you? Why does it not fit you? Do you tie any trauma or regrets to this name?

If you could let go of one experience in your life, what would it be?

How did you come up with the name Adelissa? It’s very pretty. What meaning does this name hold for you?

Let’s start there, and we will keep talking.

Warmly,

Nova

I think you have hit the nail on the head with exactly what I am talking about – a fresh start. My real name is Wendy. Not a bad name and I don’t hate it by any means but to me it is cutsy. I see the little girl I once was in the name but can’t relate to an adult Wendy very well. I am 29 but in many ways my growth was stunted. My mother whom I dearly loved overprotected me to a fault and I can’t feel Wendy growing, but I can see me grow into Adelissa if that makes sense. I see Wendy as fat, immature, the person I am trying to let go. I don’t know if I can tie trauma to it except that I was severely depressed for a couple years in my 20s and at one point was suicidal and self hating to a degree. I suppose if I could let go of only one moment it would be the point when I was 12 or so and started using food to ease emotions. I just feel the need to not forget my past so much as take a giant step away from it officially becoming the person I feel I was meant to be. Also, as a Christian I find this very biblical as people were given new names to symbolize a large spiritual change in their life. I think I would let go of not so much an experience but my complacency. For most of my life I lived as if I had all the time in the world. Also I have let go of self pity and regret. I would love to go and wake myself up several years ago and try to start this earlier as I feel like I have wasted my life so much up to this point. Adelissa is german, derived from the same family of names as Alice, adele, adelaide, allison and alicia and it means of Noble kind. An early ancestor from the 1200’s of Queen Victoria and Lady Diana had this name I originally discovered the name by trying to find a name similar to alice that I liked as that was my great grandmother whom I never met but supposedly look somewhat like. I wasn’t fond of the name Alice because I couldn’t think of anything but the disney movie :) Also at the time I thought lissie was a cute nickname and was trying to find something that would work there. I have used it as an alias for a long time on the net even before I thought of making it my real name and people called me Adee so much that I really feel like it is my name. I see a lot of beauty in the name, I like that it is extremely rare one of a kind and special. I see so much in that word Noble. I feel like I am on this earth to serve, to love, to give of myself and haven’t much so far. I love that it has nickname potential. Also, lol I know this is probably silly but Adelissa is also sexier than Wendy. Thinking about a man whispering my name or whatever, I don’t know lol it is more feminine and romantic. My birth name was static, not given to change or growth and my middle name isn’t feminine or anything that I am . I am keeping Wendy mainly for ease legally and lots of people go by their middle name and Wendy Adelissa flows better than Adelissa Wendy to my ear. ( my middle name is Karmel, a variant of the biblical name Carmel but just doesn’t say anything to me.)
Anyway sorry so long and rambly… I am rather wordy I know but I just feel with everything that has happened to me I have so much in me that is bursting to get out. I truly feel I was given a second chance at life. That they caught my cancer at stage 1 is an absolute miracle and I even feel like not having children is a hidden blessing. My whole life was centered around one day becoming a wife and mother. Now I am realizing I have so many more options to what my life could be and am in less of a hurry to “arrive” as far as getting married now I don’t have to worry bout the biological clock and all. I haven’t felt this good, this in control for years, well, since I was first diagnosed with depression 10 years ago.
I so appreciate you taking the time to talk with me. Because of finances and unemployment at the moment I am unable to pay for therapy and it really helps to get a fresh ear on things :)

Hi Adelissa. I’m here today, so let’s continue our conversation. :) I love to hear your words, write as much as you like. Telling your story is an important part of healing and creating a new life. I’m so glad they caught the cancer early and you have so much hope and light in your life. This is a perfect time to take action in creating the life you’d like.

You’ve given a lot of thought to symbolically “changing” your life through your name. I can see how adopting Adelissa as a middle name would be empowering. I also want you to recognize that your actions and relationships will actually “create” your ideal, preferred life. This statement stood out to me:

“I feel like I am on this earth to serve, to love, to give of myself…”

These words represent you finding your purpose and meaning here on earth. I’d like you to write back to me three actions you could put in motion for each of these elements in your life:

To Serve:

To Love:

To Give:

This is an exciting time in your life! Thank you for sharing with us.

I look forward to hearing back.

Warmly,

Nova

I am so happy to be able to provide no cost help to those who need someone to listen and support them. Join the discussion. Send me a post here or create your own topic. If you are not a member yet, sign up! It’s free and confidential. Create a user name and begin your journey of empowerment!

:) Nova

wow what a challenge and it seems so much harder than it sounds but I will try here.
To serve: I serve God through my quiet time, worship service, and devotion.
I serve my family by helping around the house, cooking, watching my niece when my mom needs me to, and generally working on my “selfish bone” and trying to learn to put others first.

Love is a hard thing for me. I have never had a romantic relationship or close friends outside of school. I made one action to have a good relationship and went to lunch with a casual friend on Sunday. I am trying to grow this friendship.
part of romantic love is what I am doing right now trying to get my life together and become a stronger, more balanced person. Because I strongly believe that it takes 2 complete people to have a good relationship. Too often in the past I have tried to look for someone to complete me, to fix me, to give me more than a person should have to give.
I am also trying to show my mother as much love as possible by being there for her when she needs to talk while she is going through some potentially serious health problems of her own.

to give: to me this has to do with making a difference in the world. I try to find one nice thing to say about people as I talk to them. I consider encouragement to be my spiritual gift and I know firsthand the power that comes from a simple kind word.
One of my goals is to work with children who have been abused and neglected in our local children’s shelter. Part of achieving that goal is getting my driver’s license and am studying for retaking my permit.
and while it sometimes makes me feel guilty to do things for myself I am trying to give myself a new life that I love. Part of this is health. I am walking every day and watching what I eat to heal and feel better.

not sure if this is what you had in mind but it is a start :)

part of the problem right now is I feel in limbo. I can’t work or make a lot of visual progress on the big picture – moving out getting a job and my own life. but I am trying to take small steps to get to that point once I am given a clean bill of health.

Hi Adelissa. Great answers! I really like how much thought you gave to my questions. I can tell you are at place where you are ready for change. Remember, this actually starts from within. Letting go of the negative emotions to make room for the positive ones. Your actions are very noble, and reflect your sense of gratitude with giving.

I want to encourage you to let go of guilt. Guilt holds you down. It’s okay to care of yourself. I like to give the “oxygen mask” example: Before a plane takes off, the instructions are repeated in case of emergency and the cabin loses air pressure, oxygen masks are dropped down in front of you. They make a point of stressing how important it is for you take the oxygen mask first before assisting your loved one or another passenger. Why? If you hesitate to care for yourself, then you risk passing out and no one gets the oxygen. They stress this, because for many of us it is instinct to reach out to help others in distress first.

You need the oxygen right now too. By healing yourself, nurturing yourself, even reaching out here, you are growing stronger and more capable of giving fully to another. I think you recognize this, but guilt gets in the way. When guilt creeps up, remind yourself of the oxygen mask.

I understand about taking things one step at a time. Remove the boundaries you have applied to yourself and free your mind to dream as big as you are able.

I have another question, the phrase “selfish bone” stood out to me. Where did this come from? Were you told this? I’d like to hear more about what this means to you …

I’ll be here.

Warmly,

Nova

Well I consider it one of my biggest character flaws, selfishness and self centeredness. No one ever told me but I know myself that it is something I need to work on. I am always thinking, what about me? I get cancer and my mom gets cancer and it is like the first instinct was anger because I felt like she was upstaging me and no one cared about me being sick anymore which is really wrong I know. It is part of the dynamic in our house tho that everyone is helpless without momma and I am the next in line as far as being capable and caring enough to take over and responsibility scares me so much that I have some unreasonable anger toward her. I never feel loved enough or appreciated enough and am always wondering why no one makes a fuss out of me etc. I don’t get out much and it makes it easier to focus on what I like what I want to do and my life becomes very much all about me. Also like you said I am trying to let go of the guilt of being 29 years old and no job living at home with my parents. I always thought I would take care of them in their old age and I guess I don’t feel very useful in a lot of ways. I think the questions you asked me were hard because they don’t feel like my dream life that I have pictured, I am a black and white person and it is hard to slowly chage, I want do do it all or nothing. I see me with a home and husband to love and cherish, a job that gives me a sense of self worth and sense of accomplishment, some church service, maybe an older child or two to take care of(stepchildren or adopted). This is my dream world which sounds so wonderful but I feel sometimes like it is truly a dream and could never happen to someone as messed up as I am. Getting a job terrifies me. I don’t feel competent to do much and am trying to work on that. I think a driver’s license will help a lot since I will be more independent. In the past transportation issues made jobs more stressful and even made me have to resign from one I loved. I have a B.A. In religious Studies and a minor in Psychology for no other reason than I enjoyed school but really have very little clue what I would love to do for a living. I have experience in clerical/receptionist positions, but discovered it is important for me to really feel what I am doing is importat and I found out about county positions in the social work field and I do love children but never wanted to teach so this sounds good to me.
anyway, I got off topic but basically I feel like I have a lot of childish selfishness left in me, the kind a lot of children grow out of. I am very immature in a lot of ways. I feel more like a kid than an adult and I think this has to do with my parents overprotection and also my fears but I am feeling much stronger now.

Hi Adelissa. That’s wonderful you enjoyed going to school and getting an education. A very wonderful quality.

I’d like to suggest beginning this new phase of your life with a commitment to talk as kindly and lovingly to yourself as possible. Your own words are more powerful than anyone else. The best way to “grow” in the direction you would like to is to focus on the positive qualities you possess and keep building them. Let go of any negative labels, they keep you from reaching to new heights as an individual. Time to be free to live exactly how you would like. What do you think?

Looking forward to hearing back.

Warmly,

Nova

Yes I can see how a positive statement is better. Like saying I want to learn to care more about others is better than saying I am selfish as it is a step forward not a put down. Thanks :)

Hi Adelissa. How have you been doing talking positively to yourself? Any new insights?

Let me know how everything is going for you.

Warmly,

Nova

Hello, I plan on talking to my dr and seeing if I can get a referal for mental help because I think I might be entering a depression again, I am just so tired and overwhelmed right now. A lot of that could be physical as this last chemotherapy took a lot out of me, but my energy is at an all time low, I am having trouble thinking clearly and am just so weak right now. All of this could be chemo side effects but I want to make sure it isn’t something worse, as I have been crying more lately and things like that. I am trying to be kind to myself as we talked about. I just feel like I need so much help and there isn’t a lot of it to be had in my life as far as family and all. It is just a bad time and I need to be strong for my family but I just can’t right now. My mother told me to stop feeling guilty for what I can’t control but I do and am trying to work on that. I just wish I was a stronger person. The chemo brain part of this is the worst part for me, I just can’t think right anymore. I have the hardest time concentrating or dealing with problems and things. Anyway, that is where I am right now but I am committed to being a whole healthy person and I know this is just a small bump in the road to that.

soo… can someone listen to me :(

Hi Lulucat. Yes, I’m here to listen. :)

Tell me what’s going on …

I’ll be here today.

Warmly,

Nova

Hi Adelissa. I’m glad you reached out! It’s very understandable that you are feeling low while doing chemo. Identifying and talking about your feelings will help. So keep writing.

Right now, you need to focus on healing. Think of how much stronger you will be when the chemo is over and just your healthy cells are left. Put aside worrying about anything else right now. Channel all your energy into healing. Nurture yourself. Make sure you get outside everyday and soak up some sunshine, even if you just sit outside. Use music to keep your mind quiet and away from worrying about tomorrow. Focus on today.

I actually work with cancer patients using progressive muscle relaxation and guided imagery. I tape our sessions so they can listen while the do chemo and throughout the day. Have you ever tried any guided imagery techniques? They can be very helpful in utilizing all the body’s resources for complete healing.

Let me know how you are doing today, I’m here.

Warmly,

Nova

I am doing ok today. I just need to focus on one day at a time and do what I can here and now instead of thinking about what I don’t have control over right now. I think for the most part I am on the right road as I want to get better and work toward better physical and mental health. I am not as bad as I was a few years ago where I just wanted everything to end. Sometimes I wonder if I am depressed or if it is something else. I have never been manic as far as I know, but my mood can be very unstable. I can go from optomistic and full of plans and ideas, to anxious and depressed very quickly. I have been like that my whole life, except when in a deep depression. I think I have done guided imagery just might not have known that was what it was called. (where you imagine your muscles tensing and releasing, imagining your happy place and different things like that) I do think it helped me at the time. I think for me right now it is important to put labels on what is wrong with me so I can figure out on what to work on, I just don’t always have the mental strength to think about everything but as I am able I am journaling and trying to make sense of the thoughts and feelings I am having. I don’t remember my brain ever being so full! But the process can also be exhausting. I feel like I am rambling and not making much sense but thank you for being here, it really truly helps me to be able to vent to another person.

Hi Adelissa. You are so welcome. Yes, it is very helpful to vent and release any negative emotions. And it’s helpful just to have a sounding board to work through your own thoughts. I understand what you are saying about needing to “label” what is wrong in order to deal with it. I want to suggest though that you don’t “label” you. I know you get strength from names, and words … that’s okay, as long as the words are empowering and elevate you. I believe that’s why you like the name Adelissa, it represents all that you want to be.

If you label what’s going on right now, it sounds like you are feeling some depression, along with physical and emotionally exhaustion from your battle with cancer and undergoing chemotherapy. — very understandable given the circumstances. What’s helpful is to externalize the “problem” outside of you. So, for example “depression” is the problem. Imagine depression being outside of you, what can you do to help push depression away? Talking, writing, getting outside, doing a fun activity, watching a funny movie that makes you laugh … what helps? By externalizing what’s troubling you, you leave room for the positive feelings to fill you up.

What do you think?

Stay hopeful, and know we care and are here for you.

With Care,

Nova

Yes, I see what you mean. I guess I just feel like I am so full of thoughts and concerns and different things right now that it is almost like brain overload. I do have some concerns about possible ocd or at the very least obsessive tendencies in me, however I agree it is important to not let any label define who I am. I just think I am passionate about a variety of topics when it comes to self growth and I do have a tendency to overanalyze at times. I had a lovely day today, I think because I got out of the house. I have a strong connection with my environment and I get stifled inside sometimes. I went and visited my sister and we chatted about our goals and where we are headed. She is in the process of ending an unhealthy romantic relationship and I am very proud of her. It helped me to share and be a sounding board for someone else. I still have a few quirks in my personality that I wonder sometimes if it is normal, but I feel like I am getting more comfortable with who I am and loving myself. Me and my sister were talking about low self esteem and I feel fortunate that I am able to say things like I don’t like how I look or I wish I felt more competent in situation X but overall, I can look at the whole picture and love who I am and am becoming. She is working on that.
Anyway, I feel good about all the thoughts and ideas I have, the trick now is to figure out how to organize it into something concrete; a plan of action so to speak. I agree that there is no point obsessing over the things I can’t do right now or things that in the grand scheme of things aren’t high on the priority list. I need to learn to enjoy the journey and not want to race to the finish line, because like a professor once told me, we should always have a goal because once we think we have achieved all our goals we become static and stop growing. It is all about the journey and what I learn along the way. Just trying to temper all the positive feelings and things I am having in this moment with some practicality and common sense.
Ok I don’t know if that all made sense but I feel good right now :) This is one reason I wonder if I am truly depressed or if it is just a reaction I have to being exhausted because I was always told depression must be for 2 weeks constantly at least to be clinical depression.

i hope you can relpy to this and give me some advice well here goes. i was in a 6 yr relationship and we had a daughter who is now 3 yrs old. i became preg again and asked him why he had not proposed. He said that everytime he got ready to i would mention it and that would stop him. for the next couple of days i was really sick cuz of the preg and when i spoke to him and asked him wut was wrong before i got a chace to tell him i was preg he told me that he was not ready for a relation ship and that he could not ever see his self getting married. this crushed me cuz here i am preg and here he is telling me he does not want to be in a commited relatoinship. so i waited some days and we spoke. he told me that he realized how much he missed and loved me the days that weve been apart but he has not got a chance to experience life and be single because we have been 2gether since senior yr in high school. but the way he flirted with me the things he said made me feel as if he wanted to work things out. so i still live with my mom and when she found out i was working it out she told me he is not to call here abd u r not 2 call him from here. so i got so mad i left the house and showed up at his door with our 3 yr old daughter when he saw me rull up he rushed out the front door. im telling him i need to talk 2 u so i could tell him i was preg but he was in such a rush that he could not even stay still for me to tell him so i left but somthing told me 2 come back. when i did his car was there and another car was there and all the lights were off. he left me and his child standing outside and wopuld not open the door so i got the garage door openand started banging on it with a shovel i said open the door he said go home we r not 2gether i said wut u got another girl in there he said yes i could not stop myself from hitting that door until he sais he would call the cops meanwhile our daughter is sreaming daddy please open the door and also meanwjile i am preg too. so the next dya i came to his job asked 4 all the money i could get and went and got an abortion. before going away i came to his house to tell him that i was preg but got an abortion. he was crying and i never seen him cry before he told that things would have been diff if i would have told him but everytime i tried we were either agruing breaking up or i was banging on the door while there was a girl inside. he said that he wanted a boy and all the while i am confused be cuz he said he did not want a relationship with me but u want me to have ur child does that make any sense. what made matters even worse is that he had a hickey on his neck while he si crying to me. well a couple of days ago i was being nosey and going through his things and i found a hotel reservation to place he had invited me 2 but i turned him down b cuz im not going away with him as the friend after 6yrs so i called him up to take him up on his offer and picked the same days that the hotel was booked 4 to see if it was 4 me it was not 4 ne he kept asking y that date can we do it another week and when i asked him y he said it was cuz he was going away to VA that weekend. he was lying cuz he had a hotel res to go some where else. so i finally told him that i looked through his thigns cuz i was tired of him lying to me and he still continued 2 lye 2 ne he told me since i like snooping around check it again 4 a cancellation. i did but there was no cancellation so something inside of me told me to call the num where the res was made to see it was really cancelled it was not. so i called him and once again told him that i caught him in his lye again this time he had no respond but to say dont call or text him. i told him that i would have respected him more if he would have told me the truth and that he was not even man enough to come clean after everything i found out. he then said just give it a break. I said ill do u one better and give it a permanent break. Y see he would sya things to me after we spilt like no one compares to u i im not out there looking for e realtionship i want u to b my next realtionship who r u with i seen u with a guy when i was not it will awlays be my biz who u r wit when he found out that i gave another guy my num but turned the guy down 4 a date be cuz i felt it was to soon he tried to turned it around on me and make it seem like i was the one who cause the break up when he was. i think he wants me to wait around 4 him so he can get everything out his system and when he does i think that he thinks he is going to come back. I have been through so much from finding out i was preg to the break up the finding the girl to the abortion to the head games and lies hes still sticks by even ough i had so much proof that says other wise. I am finding it hard to move on cuz i Put so much of myself into the realtionship that i lost who i was along that way. I an finding it hard 2 move on hard to stop cryign hard to stop loving. I told him that i could not see him for a while and that the arrangments that were made for him to have his daughter every other week were made to soon after the break up cuz i did not give myself time to heal so untill i am ready not saying it will b a yr from now but untill i get myself together then we can return to him takign his daughter. I also told that the money that he gives me for her he can mail it to my house or drop it off in the mailbox bcuz i did not want to see him. I also said that i could not see his fam b cuz i know that his fam was not going to tell me if he was cheating but when i see them it is always goign to be in the back of my mind that they knew he was seeing someone esle so the bottom line is untill i can be around him without thinking about wut he did and i can be the bigger person he will not be seeing his daughter i know that sounds harsh but i need to do this for me cuz iy was always about him and i need to take back the controll he has over me. I am stresed what is some advice u could give to help me move past this. it only happened about a month ago

Hi Kiki. I’m so sorry you’ve been through such a hurtful time. Thank you so much for sharing.

What stands out the most to me in your post is this sentence: “I am finding it hard to move on cuz i Put so much of myself into the realtionship that i lost who i was along that way.”

This is really where you need to focus your energy right now, on finding yourself. Create some peace around you and your daughter by focusing on developing your own inner strength. Do you have thoughts on what you’d like to do? Are you in school, do you have a job? What are some of your interests? What do you enjoy?

You deserve to be treated well and in a mutually giving relationship. I’m sure you’d like your daughter to grow up surrounded by love and healthy communication. Start the process by deciding to not settle, to not be treated disrespectfully … to expect nothing less than love and respect. The first step is self-respect, acting in ways that make you proud, and being brave enough to be okay doing it on your own for a time.

I know it feels like you’d like to take back some control here with your ex, that’s understandable. However, remember that your daughter will benefit from seeing her dad as long as he treats her well of course. Try to set aside her relationship with him from yours.

It’s okay that you are angry and upset. Let out your feelings in a healthy way. Writing and releasing here is a very good start!! Keep writing, we are here to listen. You’ll get through this.

Think about creating such an incredible you that any man will be lucky to have you.

Looking forward to hearing back.

Warmly,

Nova

Hi my name is rachael and i have a problem i am 19 turning 20 i have been with my high school sweet heart for 4 years and we have lived together for over a year. I have known him since the 7th grade and we were best friends before we got together. I have a jealousy problem. My boyfriend doesnt look at other women, or watch porn, or anything of that nature he thinks its cheating and im not lying its not something he just tells me but secretly looks or anything. And he has never done anything wrong or anything for me to question him, but i am super jealous over stupid stuff like him just talking to a co worker or even a waitress. I am always compairing my self to other and girls he talks to and i freak out. I think they look better then me and that hes gonna cheat or leave me. We have been constantly arguing about it. And the thing is i know i have nothing to worry about and i feel stupid after i say stupid stuff but i still cant help it. It going to ruin our relationship and I dont know how to quit or stop it! PLEASE HELP ME BEFORE I LOSE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE!!!!

Hi xiaomei. Thank you for sharing. Let’s dig a little deeper here to find out what’s at the root of jealousy.

First, I commend you for reaching out to get some help and better understand yourself and the dynamic of your relationship. You can work through this. :)

Tell me about your family. Who did you grow up with and how would you describe your relationship?

Who in the world do you trust to always have your back? (besides your boyfriend)

Do you ever fantasize about being with another man? Do you ever wonder what it would be like to be with someone else?

What personal or romantic needs do you wish you had more of in your relationship?

What are your top three qualities you have to offer in your relationship?

Looking forward to hearing back!

Warmly,

Nova

I grew up with my mother my step father who adopted me when i was nine and my 2 sisters , im not going to lie it was an abusive relationship between my parents so i have a love hate relationship with them.
I dont have another person to always have my back other then my boyfriend.
I dont fantasize about anyone else only him. sometime i think about how wired it would be to be with someone else but dont think about it sexually.
Romanticly I dont feel sexy or beautiful, i feel im not good enough for him he always tells me im perfect.

but the day after i posted this i found out he had been watching porn,for the past 2 weeks, which like i said before is not his thing, and at first he said he didnt know why then later on he said it was because he was scared to sleep with me because a lot of the time it hurts me and he felt bad and was stressed from work and me and needed to relise and needed a visual. I asked him if he thought about me at all and he said no. but he said he wasnt really watching for the girl specificly or anything he said he just cant masterbate on his own.
And im not going to lie im so happy he didnt really cheat on me but to him porn is a way of cheating and i feel so hurt and betrade. I feel less of a woman because he thinks hes not pleasing me and i cant help the way my body is. So i cant please him because hes to worried about hurting me. And i feel hurt that he as looking at there woman t satisfy himself, they look so much better then me im 5"2 125 pounds and size 36 B and all the porn stars are super thin and have huge boobs and long legs, i just dont know what to do. He said he was scared to talk to me about it and that he understands im hurt and dosent blame me and know why i cant trust him. He said it will never happen again he will just be more open with me.

But like i said i cant control it hurting, it hurts and feels good at the same time, but also i cant orgasim i dont know whats wrong with me . I just love him so much i just fear since its a problem i cant fix later on he with satisfy him self with someone else i dont think i said it before or if it matters but we were each others first and onlys in this department. I NEED HELP!!! Also still on my jelousy i was still out of control before i found this out!~!!!!

Hi xiaomei. I had a feeling there was much more beneath your initial post. I’m glad you are being honest and reaching out.

Often, relationships are a way of healing or continuing patterns from our youth. I’m curious, do you have a relationship with your biological dad? If not, do you wish you had some contact with him?

Did you observe the abuse between your parents? Did you see your mom being hurt? What feelings did you have that are still with you now?

Sexy and beautiful really comes from feeling comfortable within your own skin. Self Acceptance and also feeling a Sense of Control over your body. I’m sensing you haven’t felt complete control over your body and emotions. Am I correct?

Open communication is a really good start to repairing a relationship. Let’s keep talking and we’ll come up with a plan.

Warmly,

Nova