If you can't change it, work on accepting it

I learn so much from the people I talk to every day.

One of my very wise friends was describing his life circumstances yesterday, explaining how he was not where he wanted to be financially and that he was worried about his ability to survive this economic crisis.

After talking about a variety of options, I said, “So how do you do it? How do you stay so calm when there is so much going on in your life?” He calmly replied, “I learned a long time ago that after I have done everything to change my circumstances, if there is nothing more I could do, I have to stop obsessing about trying to change it and start working on accepting it.”

He went on to describe how he focuses on two thoughts with every difficult situation: how can I accept this? how can I be grateful for this experience?

I thought that was quite profound and helpful. I hope it helps you.

Warmly,
Dr. Kathy

I will admit that I have often thought I can or could change everything and anyone with enough talk. I now have come to realize that that is not so, but it tool me awhile to get there. I still have trouble accepting things I do not agree with although I have a great appreciation for the experience and the education in which I have reacieved by going through the experience. How can you get yourself to accept ? I envy the man you spoke with and that he has found his answer. I deeply struggle with accepting and I know that it has made a negative impact on my life.

Hi LWilson. Oh, this is one of life’s greatest challenges, so please don’t feel frustrated if it seems daunting. Ultimately, we can only change three things in our lives: (1) what we think, (2) what we feel, and (3) what we do. It’s up to each of us to manage our own emotions and actions, although sometimes, this is easier said than done. I think a couple of things will help you work on accepting something that’s bothering you:

1. Try to understand why the other person did/said what they did. Really step into their shoes, try to feel their feelings, and see if you can find some thought or emotion that you can relate to. If someone hurt you, odds are, they did so because they were hurting too….try to find that hurt and you’ll be half-way to understanding why they did what they did.

2. Try to forgive. If it is true that most of our bad behavior comes from being hurt, then it’s a little easier to forgive someone for doing something that has upset us.

Try these ideas and then let me know how they worked for you.

Warmly,
Dr. Kathy