How to forgive myself

Hello, I am a 29 year old women who has made a terrible mistake. First what happened was 8 years ago, my boyfriend asked me to have a threesome with him. At first I was wrecked by the thought because he had told me I was perfect for him and that he didn’t want anyone else. Then one day, I woke up from a dirty dream about it and decided I’d give it a try. Well after that he had gone online and tried to look up girls who would be interested. At the same time, I already had a friend who was bisexual and I kind of thought she liked me. I was going to get the nerve to ask her, but then I chickened out, and instead, I pushed her into the bathroom and kissed her 3 times. Then, I didn’t tell my boyfriend until 2007. He was heartbroken. Now, everyday of my life, I feel terribly guilty, even though he has completely forgiven me. I can’t forgive myself. I hate myself for what I have done, and I feel bad everyday. Now I am sickingly honest with him about everything that has happen between then and now, but everytime I think of something that I have already told him, I feel so guilty that I re-tell him it, and he gets mad and says I have never told him, which makes me look like a total liar—again. Finally my question is, how to I just drop all this guilt and move on? How could someone who loves someone so much do such a thing? Thanks.

Hi Boogiefly. Welcome to Feel Better Network! Thank you so much for sharing your story and reaching out to feel better.

It sounds like this experience has been replaying in your life for quite a while. 8 years to carry guilt and regret is a very long time. It sounds like you know letting go of guilt would be helpful for you and your relationship, but you just haven’t figured out how to do that. So to make up for it, you are trying to compensate by retelling all the facts to your boyfriend. Let’s see how we can get you out of this cycle and moving forward freely.

Guilt gets strength by how we view our actions in relation to our values and beliefs. Guilt isn’t all bad – it means you have a conscious and a sense of what’s right for you. Too much guilt means your self-meaning and self-worth have been suffering. Letting go of excess guilt starts with addressing how you view yourself.

You can start with paying attention to how you talk to yourself. It sounds like honesty is a strong value for you, and yet you say in your post you seem like a liar. – That’s an example of a conflict that feeds guilt, making it grow stronger. Changing how you talk to yourself will help.

Start with addressing why you deserve to let guilt go. “I deserve to let guilt go because…” Just the word “deserve” brings forward a sense of worth. Then think of three benefits to letting guilt go. Like, I will feel free. My relationship will improve, etc. Next, solidify a positive self-meaning by stating your values and beliefs, your strengths, and the positive qualities about you. It may be helpful Boogiefly to begin all this in a journal, so you can continue to add and work on moving to a more positive place.

Guilt and regret go hand in hand, so another way to move forward is to focus on the present. Regrets live in the past. You can leave regrets in the past by acting in the present. Focus on the joys of today and believe you can create the life you want right now.

I’m really glad you reached out for help with this. I will be here to help.

Please feel free to write me back!!

With Care,

Life Coach Nova