Skitzophrenia???

I used to live in an urbanized area in New Jersey and now live in the middle of the mountains in Colorado. To go from my nearest neighbor being 15 feet away, to my nearest neighbor being close to a mile away was pretty tramatizing, but I have come to believe the thing that really “changed” me was the loss of my one and only true friend.

During our ten minute break between classes in school, I was looking out the window when I noticed a man looking up at me from outside. My friend came over and asked what I was staring at and I told her. She looked but said she saw nothing and asked if I was ok, so I said “sure, must have been imagining things.”
It happened again just the other day, when I walked into my room and saw a girl sitting in the corner. I went over to ask if she was ok but when I put my hand on her shoulder, it turned out to but a pile of laundery. It wasn’t dark in the room or anything! I don’t feel crazy, but at this rate I might get little voices in my head or something…

I really want to just ignore it all and continue on with the little bit of life I still have, but it’s like there’s another half of me that keeps pulling me back and crying for help… I don’t know, it’s like who I am now and who I used to be are seprate, but I’m still one person… I’m so confused, can someone please tell my what’s wrong with me?

Dear Saru Nakuta
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with us.

I realize you are confused and frustrated with a few things in your life, but let’s put in into perspective. You are 15 and you have changed a lot since your move and this is all normal.

It sounds like you need to open up and find a therapist or counselor to talk to locally. Someone who can help you sort out your confusion and help you sort things out. Someone who can help you figure out whether your visions are hallucination or perhaps just daydreams.

One thing I noticed right away is how well you write and express yourself. That is a wonderful quality. I wonder why you haven’t stayed in touch with your friends from New Jersey via email, the internet, myspace, face book, etc?

Also, another thing I noticed about what you said is that you seem to realize you tend to isolate or focus on one person instead of making more friends. The more we isolate the more we feel alone and the harder it gets to reach out and connect with people. Perhaps it’s time to take a chance and reach out for help and try to connect with others around you especially at school. Maybe you could look for peers at school who you could start talking to and maybe talk to a few teachers or counselors too.

Please keep us posted and check back in and keep sharing with us about any progress you are working on.

PS is Saru Nakuta a character you created or is it an Anime character you like?

Thank you
Coachjohn

As easy as it may be for you to tell me to open up, it’s not really that simple. It’s so scary, the thought of losing more people close to me. I just really don’t want to be hurt again, so I try to leave it in the past, but if I talk to someone about it, I would simply be bringing that past back. I guess feeling alone is the consequence for being safe. Even as I think while typing this, my eyes are getting watery and my hands are starting to shake. I’m an emotional wreck! I really don’t think talking to someone will help, I think it will just make things worse…
Kinda like if you were to dive too deep into the ocean, you won’t have enough air to return to the surface. The more I talk, the deeper I go…
You asked me why I had trouble staying in touch with my old friends. I’ve just recently discovered the benifits of internet (I used to think it was useless). I never go on myspace because of so many things that have happened because of it (like my school shooting)and I just got a facebook a few weeks ago. I’ve never liked phones much and have always sent letters because they’re more fun and I really do enjoy writing because it keeps my mind off all my problems. Only problem is, most of my letters were never returned…
Saru Nakuta is a character I made. I’ve recently started watching anime, and thought it would be neat to make my own character being that I’ve always had a talent for art.

Hello Saru Nakuta
I understand your fears, but you answered you own question when you said “I guess feeling alone is the consequence for being safe”
and honestly being alone isn’t safer, being alone makes most things feel worse.

I looked up your character name, is that your drawing? if so it’s very good. I am an artist and I think you have talent.

You mentioned that you like to write letters. I think you should look into to becoming a pen pal with people who would appreciate your letters. You could look into that.

Also it would be nice if you made a practice of writing here to us each day and check in and perhaps find a few friends here your own age who are going through some of the same things you’re feeling.

What do you think?

Thanks
Coachjohn

The picture you saw is most likely mine, but the coloring credit belongs to my friend, the owner of that account. We were working together to try and make our own manga. I have the coloring skills equal to that of a second-grader’s, so we’re working together to try and get a better outcome.

What’s a “pen pal”?

hello Saru
A traditional pen pal is someone from a place that you haven’t been to before and want to connect with someone form there and learn about it, or also someone somewhere who is interested in the same things you are but hasn’t got anyone near them to talk to.

For example you could find a pen pal from Japan who is interested in Anime and you could chat with the about japan and anime etc.

Or you could find a Pen Pal form a third world country and get to know them and their culture. It’s a great way to reach out to other people in the world in places we’ve never been or know much about.

Here’s a basic description on wiki
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pen_pal

That sounds like a great idea!

First off, not caring is an illusion, we always care, even when we don’t want to.

Life is all about taking the risks to meet new people, there are no promises that everyone will be what we want or stay in our lives.

The joy of seeing each new day as an opportunity to connect with new people and learn more about our strengths is the best part of life.

As for seeing things that may not be real, I said earlier that you should seek out a professional therapist or counselor and talk to them about it.

Plus you can always keep checking in here each day and talk to us and get feedback too.

You don’t always have to be present with someone to be close to them. Begin by starting new habits that help you reach out more a little each day. You can start by talking to me and the people here as often as you like.

Thank you
Coachjohn

My parents don’t know about any of this… How can I tell them? I suppose deep down I kind of blame them for making me move, even though it’s wrong to do so… Plus my mother would think I’ve gone insane and probly put me in an asylum, though I doubt it’s not required for me to do so…

Dear Saru
You should be honest with your family, but telling them everything all at once might worry them. Why don’t you make a list of the things on your mind that you would like them to know and pick the safest one to tell them first and practice with it and go down the list.

Also you can talk to a counselor at school and share something off the list too. Once you make the list tell us here and we can address each item one at a time.

The most important thing to remember is your are 15, probably the most difficult time of a young persons life, things in life may seem unbearable but they will gradually get better if you are patient and keep reaching out to connect with others.

Thank you
Coachjohn

But my parents have filed for a devorce against eachother alreally… Don’t you think telling then something like this will just make matters worse? Besides, my parents and I have never really seen “eye to eye”. Well, we did at one point, but I think that time is long gone. I used to try and make then happy, but I gave up about a year ago finding that nothing good ever came out of it. Your the first person I’ve ever told this(other than my cat), but my dad used to “do things” to me when I was little and he came home drunk. I honestly don’t think he remembers any of it at all, and he gave up drinking about five years ago which I am so very happy for! But that sort of thing… it doesn’t just go away, you know? I don’t know… there’s just so many things I haven’t told you and many of them i really do want to leave in the past, but at this rate, I’m not sure how long they’re going to stay there…

Dear Saru
Let’s take this one small step at a time and go from there.
I’d like to give you some things to do and as you do them we can keep moving forward, okay?

First I really appreciate how well you are telling me what’s on your mind. You’re doing a great job of getting these things out.

I’d really like you to find a therapist locally who you can see for private counseling. Can you work on that please?

Also which of you parents is easiest to talk to about important things? Your Mom or Dad? I’d like you to talk to that one about finding a good therapist. You don’t need to go into great detail about why, that’s what talking to the therapist is for.

Think of something you can say to your parent so they will understand your need to see someone professional. That way we can work to find someone near you who you like who you can open up to and get help from.

I also want you to keep something in mind. You have already reached out to me and that’s a big step. Now you can keep going because that shows that you still have hope and want to find help for your problems. You already accomplished that hardest part. Now let’s keep moving forward :)

So let’s make a list.
Which of your parents can you talk to best?

Does your family have medical insurance so you can see a therapist?

What can you tell your parent so they’ll help you find a therapist – without worrying them to much. Something like “Mom, I’m depressed or lonely and what to talk to someone about it professionally.” You don’t have to go into a lot of scary details just try and think of what you can say to your parent or a school counselor to get professional therapy.

Thanks for talking to me Saru
Coachjohn

The only reason I can talk to you is because I can’t hear your voice or see your face. Kind of like how it’s easier for a person to use a credit card rather than pay cash. I don’t know why, but I just can’t bring myself to look someone in the eye and tell them my problems, let alone let them hear my voice quiver the way it does every time someone brings up the subject of my personal life…

Dear Saru
When you look for a local therapist you can stipulate that as part of your seeing then that they let you sit in a way that they can listen and talk to you but not look at you while you are talking. Every good therapist will work to make you comfortable and work with you.

But please keep talking to us here also.

Thanks
Coachjohn

Hi Saru. Thanks so much for your posts; it’s great to have you as a member of our community. I really like what Coach John mentioned and I agree, it’s important to stay in touch with friends.

I wonder if you could tell us more about what you mean by “feeling safe” ? You wrote that being alone is a consequence of feeling safe, so I thought we might talk more about that. :)

Warmly,
Dr. K

Well, when I’m alone I don’t have to worry about losing anyone because I have no-one to lose. So rather than being stabbed and bandaged over and over again, I find it easier to simply be stabbed and left to bleed. I’d rather feel the pain and get used to it instead of try to recover just to end up were I was before.

Hi Saru. I hear you, it sounds really scary to think of the idea of losing someone. The thing that struck me in your last post was when you said, “Well, when I’m alone I don’t have to worry about losing anyone because I have no-one to lose.” it made me think…“that’s so tough because either way, you’re alone.”

So it sounds like choosing to be alone is less scary for you, but I wonder if it is just as painful as being accidentally alone. What do you think?

As you think about it, I wonder…what would make you feel a little bit safer, a little bit more comfortable leaning on people?

I think it’s harder to know someone and lose them rather than not knowing them at all. If I were to never meet them, what would I have to miss?

Dear Saru
Nothing in life is permanent. Learning to live in and appreciate each moment is the point of life. I am grateful to have known the good people in my life even for a short time, rather than not having had the pleasure of knowing them at all.
,
You are trying to hold onto past experiences that are gone and you are not living here and now. You are also talking about not getting to know people in the future because you think it’s too painful to lose them later.

There is a book called The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, I’d like you to find a copy and read it. I think it would help you alot. It’s a difficult book to read, book I think you are smart enough to understand it, if you give it a try.

It talks about learning to live in the moment, and not in the past or future so much, because we can’t change the past or predict the future, we all need to live in the present moment and make the best of it.

Let me know if you can get the book and will read it. I really do think if you gave it a try you’d benefit form reading it. It is my absolute favorite non fiction book.

Also keep checking back here with us.

Thanks
Coachjohn

If you think this book can really help me, I will definatly try to find it. I would much rather read a book than talk to another person in the same room as me. :)

Dear Saru
Let me know when you get it and we can talk about together.

It is a very difficult book to read, but well worth the effort.

Unlike most books it’s best to read it very slowly and a little at a time, because there is so much heavy material to digest.

But if you give it a good try, it will help you very much.

Thanks
Coachjohn

Ok, I’m freaked. I saw a tiger in my backyard yesterday… The nearest zoo is an hour and a half away.

Should I consiter journaling?

Dear Saru
Please explain the event as clearly as you can to me.
I will have Dr Kathy chat with you about what you might want to do about the things you’re seeing.
Thanks
Coachjohn

I was on my front porch, watching my two horses, and then the wind picked up. It was blowing a bunch of snow off the roof so I got up to go inside. When I turned around there was a tiger. I couldn’t move because I thought it was real. I mean, it looked moved and sounded real, for all I know there’s a tiger running around in Colorado now! But there no way a tiger was on my front porch… It ran into the woods after that.
It just seemed so real… I could see its breath in the cold, the texture on its nose…

Dear Saru
I am not an expert on this subject and I am not qualified to make a call on it.
While is does sound like common symptoms of schizophrenia I could not tell you for certain. You would need to seek a professional for a diagnosis to be sure.

The Famous Economist John Nash had this disorder and was able to figure out when the things he saw were real and when they weren’t. But he did not seek professional help for this for a very long time and her suffered terribly because he wouldn’t seek help.

I would seriously suggest that you talk to your mom, and tell her you want to see a Dr. You still don’t need to go into scary details with her about it, just make sure you see a professional one way or another.

I really want you to follow up on this please.

Let me know what you are doing to find someone who can help you with this asap.

Thank you
Coachjohn