Worried about your relationship?

You’re worried about your relationship. Maybe your partner is pulling away, is never home, and you don’t know why. Maybe you’re fighting so often that you wonder if it’s possible to make things better. Perhaps you’re scared that things are so bad that your marriage might be over.

Don’t give up hope. Any relationship can get better and the important changes that need to happen can start today!

We know a couple of key things about couples who are struggling: (1) they are trapped in a negative cycle, where they seem stuck in the same hurtful spiral, and (2) the key to breaking the cycle is emotion!

The cycle is a never-ending feedback loop, where we make each other out to be the bad guy. Everyone feels hurt, unheard, and pushed away when we’re caught in a cycle/spiral. When we’re in the cycle, the more one of you attacks, the more dangerous you appear to be, the more we look for attacks, the harder we hit back. So we must break the cycle…..

There are two important steps you can take now to breaking the cycle:

First, realize that the cycle – not your partner – is the enemy. You are not each other’s enemy, you love each other. We are never more emotional than when our primary love relationship is threatened, so if both of you are acting in negative ways, that make lots of sense to me. You’re both hurt and upset.

Second, negative cycles always start when one person reaches out for the other and could not make safe emotional connection. We are really moved when those we love show their deepest emotions to us, but to do that, we have to feel safe.

So your goal is to identify your cycle, recognize how you impact your partner, then become a safer, more vulnerable person for your partner to open up to.

It’s not quite as easy as it sounds, but by knowing this secret, you are much, much closer to making your relationship better. To help you get started with identifying your cycle, I’ve created the following worksheet and I hope it will help you: http://www.drkathynickerson.com/HW_Couples_Wk2.doc

After completing the worksheet, I hope you will think about some ways to break your cycle and some ways to bring your partner closer. An idea to get you started is to say something like, “Honey, I have been thinking a lot about what’s been going on and I realized we’re stuck in a cycle where I _______________________. I wonder if I’ve made you feel ___________________ and this thought makes me so sad, because I really love you and I want to make things better. I want you to know that I am on your side and I am here for you. How can I help you to feel more comfortable and more loved?”

What do you think about this?

I have recently realized that YES I am in a cycle when it comes to my relationship and just recetly discussed this with my other half. It usually happens like this…one of us is mad , more often upset and doesnt want to talk , than the other gets hurt and doesnt want to talk to the other , when the first one is ready to talk the other is in an upset stage and the first one than just wants to make the other suffer for not wanting to talk. I have the issues in that I am the one that wants to talk usually ( no big surprise there ) and Im not sure how to break the cycle . We both are in alot of pain so much so that it is hard to see through our own feelings that the other is sad as well.I have done your worksheet and also paln to share it with my partner. Thank you.

Hi LWilson430. Thanks so much for your post. Yes, these cycles are so common. After doing the worksheet, what are your hunches about what might break your cycle?

Thank you all for stopping by today. It was my privilege to help you with your relationship and family challenges. I look forward to catching up with you during Wellness Weekend and I will see you next Tuesday for another round of relationship chats. Thanks again and warmest wishes!

Dr. Kathy