Mid life

I married a man 23 years ago that I wasnt in love with because I was pregnant. We have nothing in common and now that my children are grown I want to be away from my husband. We do not communicate and are like roomates.I am very unsatisfied with every aspect of our relationship and dont feel it can be saved. He refuses to go to counseling and I need it desperately.He’s not a bad man, just not the man for me. I have faked affection for him our whole marriage and cannot continue any longer. I need to live authenticaly and in peace and happiness.He deserves to be happy to.I am considering divorce but it sounds so horrible. I have no family or friends to turn to for advice. What should I do?

Hi tallspice:

Thanks for coming online. I am sorry to hear that you’re going through this – I know it’s got to be painful to have these intense emotions without a good outlet. I would ask yourself this very fundamental question, “How long do I want to keep on feeling this way?” It sounds like you made a big concession because of what you felt obligated to do, and now those emotions just refuse to be bottled up anymore.

What I would do is first consider your possibilities. Right now, you know you are not happy with your situation, but unless the relationship is abusive, you do not have to do anything today. Or tomorrow. This allows you some time to think about your future. Are you prepared to live on your own? Making a list of the unknown might help you assess if you’re ready to take this step or not.

Secondly, figure out what sounds so “horrible” about divorce. Is it the whole concept of not being able to make a marriage “succeed” that really gets to you, or is what that word might symbolize for you…no longer being a family (which isn’t necessarily true) or being alone (also, not necessarily true).

At the end of the day, the only one who can decide to move forward or stay is you. BUT there are many people out there that could offer you some much needed support. I would charge you with getting involved with at least two activities while still married, and see how that goes for a bit. We want to broaden your support base. You say you have no family or friends. We need to change that! We need to get you out into the world right now, so that regardless of what happens, you feel good about making the best decision possible for you future.

What do you think?

Hi Tallspice. Thanks so much for your post. It sounds like you are really suffering and I can only imagine how hard it must be.

You wrote some really powerful things.

You said that you married him because you were pregnant and that you have never loved him. That you’ve been faking affection for years. You’re right, that’s no way to live and it’s got to be extremely painful to be going through every day like that.

Even if he does’t want counseling, I would recommend that you go. Sometimes relationships get stronger by just one person going for some outside help. I think that you’ll find the experience very positive and helpful. If you need help finding someone, please feel free to visit our therapist directory: http://www.feelbetternetwork.com/professionals.

I would also highly recommend your joining a support group where you can talk to others about what you are going through. It can be nice to hear you’re not the only feeling the way you do or thinking the way you do. There are many great groups onlne and I’d b happy to help you find one.

Ultimately, I think it’s most important to listen to yourself and follow your heart. I am the last person to ever advocate for divorce. As a couples therapist, my whole goal is to help repair relationships. Yet I have to admit, sometimes relationships are in a place where it’s hard to make things work. Ideally, you could both be happy together, but if you cannot, you deserve to be happy on your own.

Please come back and check in with us. I’d love to support you along the way.

Warmly,
Dr. Kathy

Thanks for your advice. We own our own business and all I do is work and have no time for making friends or having fun. Sounds depressing right? I’d feel bad for someone living like I do. I have recently joined a meet up group of women my age and planned on hanging out with them this Sat. I am nervous that I’ll be an emmotional wreck. My hormones are out of control which does not help so I hope I’m not to crazy when I get there. I dont want to seem desperate for female company, but I am! We moved from Texas to Florida 9 years ago and I have not had the opportunity to find a trustworthy friend I liked since I’ve been here.My best friends that I had are all having their own issues and our conversations are all gloom and doom. Not healthy.I was such a strong fun person in the past and I have lost myself. I want the old me back and feel like the only way I can find her is go away from my husband and focus on myself. I definately need to get out in the world, my daughter tells me that all of the time.I need to find a local therapist I know but the problem is money.Thank you for your wonderful advice. I am very grateful.

Hi Tallspice. How wise you are! You have a lot of insight into what’s going on with you and your moods. I think you are right on – you do need to enrich your life a bit with some friends and some activities. I think the MeetUp group is perfect and I am really proud of you for reaching out to them. I hope it will be a good fit for you and I might also recommend that you look for some fun groups to join – if you like art, you can take a class at the local community college; if you like music, you could join a local choir. Anything you love has a group of like-minded folks and I think it would be great to join.

We’re honored to have you here and give you all the support you need, so feel free to keep chatting with us. We love it!

As you mentioned, it might be wise to reserve making any decisions about your marriage until after you’ve worked on some of the other angles of your life. My hope is that after you have increased your support system, friendship, and activities you will see a nice boost in your relationship.

Warmly,
Dr. Kathy