Welcome to Feel Better Friday

Hi Everyone. Happy Friday!
It is my pleasure to be your expert for the day. Please feel free to post your questions and comments for me. I will respond today with a personalized message just for you.

Today’s topic is one of my favorite questions to ask: If you had a magic wand, what would you change in your life, and how would this impact how you feel?

Warmly,
Dr. Kathy

My boyfriend and I have been dating for around a year and five months now, and I love him dearly. We have overcome several obstacles together concerning his work schedule, his independence and the fact that he’s been married before. We have now become very comfortable with each other, and we’ve both made some changes for the better in our relationship. He just bought a new house, and I have helped him make that house more into a home even though I have a place of my own. I run errand for him when he doesn’t have time, help keep his house clean, and cook for him during the week so that he will have left overs to eat when he gets off work. I enjoy doing these things for him because I love him, and he tells me how appreciative he is..but I keep running into a consistent problem. We rarely ever do anything with my parents (eating or hanging out), and there are little events that wouldn’t take up much of his time. he doesn’t want to go to them on his days off work. I go to many small events alone and people are always asking me where he is. My boyfriend works very hard (80 hours a week) running his own restaurant. he only has Sundays and Mondays off. I’m always up for going to visit his mother or doing the things that he wants to do. All I want him to do is go to a simple get together with me an hour on a Sunday afternoon. He tells me I’m guilt-tripping him all the time about not going to these events. Am I asking too much or should I really worry about it and just keep on doing my own thing? My father acts the same way. Should I just give up on the issue?

Hi Its_Just_Me. No, I don’t think you’re asking too much and I think this is too important of an issue to give up on. It sounds like your family is very important to you and so I can understand why it’s so frustrating, and probably confusing, why your boyfriend won’t make time to be with you and your family.

So here are some things to think about:

1. Even though he is very busy (works 80+ hours per week), does he have free time to do other things?

2. If he does have free time and you’re asking for an occasional visit with your family, what kind of message is he sending you by NOT going to family gatherings?

3. Has he ever had a negative experience with your family? Does he think they think poorly of him?

4. Have you ever talked about why he doesn’t want to go?

My thinking is that no matter how busy you are, you can always make time for something that’s important to someone you love. Your family seems very important to you, which is very good. I’d think it appropriate and loving for him to spend time with you AND your family.

If he has free time to go do other things, like spend time with his friends and family, then he does have time to spend with you and your family. So it seems like he is trying to avoid them and I wonder, why?

I think it’s very important for you to have a conversation with him about this and say, “Sweetheart, I really love you and I love being with my family. I really want for us to spend time with my family next week at Sarah’s birthday party. Can I tell them we’ll be there?” Then if he says no, you can follow up with, “So help me understand, why don’t you want to go? Is there anything we should talk about?” If he keeps saying no, or says you’re guilt-tripping him or that he’s too tired, it’s perfectly ok to say, "Yes, I know how hard you work and that you have very little free time, but I really want to work this out, so please help me understand if there are some things I don’t know about that are bugging you. I can’t help you with something I don’t know about.

Also, there are a couple of article in our library that I think will give you some additional ideas – feel free to check them out when you have a moment:

http://www.feelbetternetwork.com/articles/215-C…

http://www.feelbetternetwork.com/articles/206-H…

I hope this helps! Let me know how your talk goes.

All my best,
Kathy

Hi, I am 58, divorced 10 years. My boyfriend, Michael, is 59, divorced 3 years. We have been dating for two years. We both agree that our relationship is the best we’ve ever had. We talk about spending the rest of our lives together.

Our one area of conflict has been about me moving in with him. I am ready. He is not. We had agreed that I would move in on May 30. However, 4 weeks before, he got cold feet and called it off. This man’s way of dealing with conflict is just to shut down and not communicate. After a week of silence, he got back with me and said he really wants to work things out. I told him that we really need to see a counselor together. He readily agreed. But that was a month ago and so far, he has not made an appointment. A week ago we had a very good, heart to heart talk and I told him that I see counseling as a very positive thing that would really strengthen our relationship. He said that really changed how he saw things, that he was thinking I just thought there was something wrong with him that needed to be fixed. So he said he felt good but asked me to give him a week to get comfortable with the idea.

That was a week ago and he has not brought up the subject again. I am at a loss about what to do. I want a responsible partner. I don’t want to always be the one to have to bring things up. My approach so far has been that I have stopped packing up and going over to see him for the whole weekend. I plan only to see him for “dates.” He says he misses me and I’m hoping this will get him to move on setting up an appointment. But I don’t know if this is the right approach. What do you think? I really do love this man and in so many ways he is really great. He is expressive, makes me feel loved. He’s loyal, honest, and we share the same interests. I would greatly appreciate any ideas. Thanks in advance.

Hi Karina.

Thanks so much for your question. I am sorry to hear that this have been so confusing and frustrating, it sounds like there’s a lot of back and forth with this relationship.

Yes, I do think that seeing a couples therapist would be great. But that said, I have to tell you, a lot of men are really nervous about seeing any type of therapist. They worry that therapists are there to judge them, tell them how silly they are, or that the therapist will make them feel stupid. So to overcome this, you might tell Michael that he can pick three possible therapists for you guys to go see, then he can call them and ask them any questions he wants. If it will help, he’s welcome to call me or email me and I’ll be happy to tell him what I tell everyone I take care of: going to talk to a therapist is about getting support and help, not getting judgment and criticism. We are going to talk about what’s going on, what things you’d like to be different, and strategize about ways to make it better. The last thing I want someone to feel when they come to see me is judged, criticized, inferior, or stupid….I want everyone to walk out feeling better, stronger, and happier.

So with that said, let me address some of your specific points:

You wrote, “Our one area of conflict has been about me moving in with him. I am ready. He is not. We had agreed that I would move in on May 30. However, 4 weeks before, he got cold feet and called it off.” What was that like for you? How did you feel when it happened? What did you think? It’s important to let him know the answers to those questions because he may have no idea how his indecisiveness affects you. You could say, “Michael, I really love you and I want for us to be together. Last month when you said that you wanted to move in together and then you changed your mind, that really made me feel ______________________, and it gave me reason to doubt that you really cared about me or wanted us to be together. What I’d really like is for us to ______________________________. What do you think?”

Perhaps the most important thing you wrote was, “This man’s way of dealing with conflict is just to shut down and not communicate.” This is really tough to deal with by yourself and something that therapy could really help with. My experience has been that when met shut down, it’s because they are afraid, they don’t know what to do, or they’re hurt. Sometimes we think it’s better to retreat, say/do nothing, than it is to do something that might make it worse. So again, I’d encourage you to talk with him and ask him what it’s like for HIM when you press him on something? If he can answer, that might give you some insight. My hunch is that there’s a cycle going on between you two where you will push a little, he will agree, then he’ll get nervous, pull away, you’ll get hurt and anxious and then you pull away. Once he senses you’re pulling away, he seems to rush to you to console you…which is good, but ideally, I’d like him to be able to do this sooner, so that he doesn’t wait so long to work to make things better between you two. Also, it would be great for you to know how to best address things with him so he doesn’t feel like he needs to retreat (and if he can tell you the answer to this, that would be wonderful!).

I hope this helps.

Warmly,
Kathy

Hi Kathy,
I’ve been Divorced for a year and have 1 child with my ex. He rarely comes to my son’s sporting events. He has decided to bring his new girlfriend although both my son and I have asked him not to. She has only met my son once and is not interested in him at all. He only wants to bring her because he was asked not to. The game really is about our son but when he’s there he’s either on the phone with her or texting her. She is very hostile and angry about me and doesn’t want my ex to even be civil with me. She doesn’t allow him to speak to me on the phone or text without her either grabbing the phone from him and hanging up or writing a text back to me.
Bottom line is I don’t want her at the games and just want to enjoy the pleasure my son gets out of the sport. It’s really hard to ignore them. I really want to but they just want to prove a point to me. My son loves his Dad and I want to be very mature about this but I just want to not go and keep my son home. I hate confrontations!!!!! Help!!!!

Hi Panchita. Thanks for your post, it sounds like a very difficult and uncomfortable situation.

I can certainly understand your not wanting to go. Most of us would probably prefer to stay home and avoid the entire situation, but we have to put your son’s interests ahead of anyone else’s. If he loves his games, loves playing, and wants to stay on the team, I think you need to honor that. It’s tough to be the kid in the middle of a divorce and it would be awfully sad if the activity he enjoyed was taken away because of a disagreement between you and your ex.

Assuming you’ll be keeping him in sports, the best thing to do is to try to find a way to make the games tolerable and to act in ways that make you proud of yourself.

To make the games tolerable, spend some time brainstorming about what you could do. Would it be possible to join the booster club and sit with the other booster moms during the games? That way you could be surrounded by a support team when you are at the games. Consider asking one of the other moms to coffee and getting to know her better. My hunch is that you are probably not the only mom at the game who is going through a similar situation. Another idea is to ask a friend to come with you to the games, that way you’ll have someone near you who will be “on your side.”

Next, whenever you are tempted to make any comments to your ex or his girlfriend, think about how you want to behave and make a concious choice not to engage in any destructive or degrading behavior. This can be really tough if someone is lobbing hurtful statements your way, but by just walking away and not responding back to your ex, you will be showing your son how he should act and you’ll garner support from the other parents at the game.

When you find it tough to know what to do or what to say, you can try the “6 o’clock news test,” and that is…act in the way you would if you knew the 6 o’clock news crew was following you around and recording everything you did. Most of us would be on our very best behavior and would act in ways that made us look appropriate and dignified. I know it can be really, really tough when you have an ex there…but I promise that by acting like a lady, you will feel much better about yourself than if you responded back.

Thanks again for your post. I look forward to chatting with you again.

Warmly,
Dr. Kathy

Goodnight Everyone. Thanks so much for your great questions and for visiting our new site. I look forward to chatting with you further soon and if there’s anything we can do for you, please don’t hesitate to ask.

Warmly,
Dr. Kathy

Hi, Panchita,

Isn’t it amazing what people will do during a divorce? I agree with what Dr. Kathy is saying. By you not buying into his “game”, you are diffusing his power, and using yours. He only has power if you acknowledge it. You model for your son how a mature parent behaves; believe me, he will remember.

Just pretend this is a situation comedy and he has the jerk role; you are the sane one. You can do it! We’re here for you.

Have a lovely week-end.

Edie