Unhappy

Hi,
I started a new job in Summer 2008 and am currently still there. I seemed to be doing ok until Jan 2009 when I suddenly felt as if I was struggling with the role, not being able to grasp and understand the work and constantly stressed and worried about my performance. I have had numerous conversations with my line manager and he has attempted to support and help me in any way possible through coaching and bringing in HR to find techniques to help assist me. However, I have continued to feel unhappy, worry constantly about my performance ( I feel like a failure most of the time despite receiving praise from peers outside my department). I also do not enjoy presenting my work to others as I seem to get extremely nervous.
Commuting 100 miles in total to get to work and back is also stressful as I work 9 hours a day minimum and spend 10 hours a week driving.
I decided to do something about it and found another role closer to home and closer to my wife’s current place of employment. I have had to take a pay cut but think I will be happier long term. My wife is very supportive and I have told my manager my intention to resign. However I am still waiting for the official contract to come through from my new place of work. I’ve been assured it is in the post. However, in the last month or so, I have become increasingly anxious, depressed and feel like I want to cry. I have suffered from depression in the past when I have felt that I am unable to cope with work related issues and my reaction in the past was to give up and try something new. I am now also worried about whether i will be able to perform in the new role and about the reaction of my peers from my existing role when they come to learn of my resignation.
I have suffered health wise as a result of this, I used to go to the gym regularly along with Salsa classes with my wife. This dried up due to the long hours of the existing role. My wife is also unhappy at her place of work which has added to my general unhappiness. I sometime feel as if I am heading for a nervous breakdown and I have effectively pressed a ‘Self Destruct’ button and there is nothing I can do to stop it.
Please help!!!

Hello Mskm, Welcome to Feel Better Network. I’m so glad you are here and reaching out for support and answers. Stress can take a toll on your body, mind, and spirit. When a situation is not aiding or contributing to a sense of balance in your life, it is a good idea to re-evaluate the situation and determine if making some changes could benefit your quality of life. I hear though, that you question if leaving your job is a pattern for you, feel pressured by a sense of perceive judgment from your peers, and are struggling to feel more confident and improve your mood. Does that sound about right?

I’d like to ask you a few questions and make some suggestions to get you moving toward feeling more positive about yourself and your ability to be happy in your career.

1. You mention exercise helps lift your mood, but feel there is not enough time due to your work schedule and commute. What I have found to be true, is that we can make excuses to not include healthy coping mechanisms (myself included even!), and making excuses comes even easier when we have a lack of energy that comes with a bit of depression. Make a conscious choice to change your beliefs and prioritize getting some exercise. 30 minutes a day is all you need. You take time to eat, right? You take time to brush your teeth and get ready in the morning, right? You can add in 30 minutes a day. Sometimes, I think oh, I don’t have time to make it to the gym today for a good work out, so what’s the point? - that’s an example of an excuse. The important thing is to catch it, and rewrite your belief about it — Ex: I don’t have an hour and half, but I can take a 30 minute walk at lunch, or wake up 30 minutes early and do a pilates or yoga tape.

If you know exercise helps…schedule it in as an absolute must.

2. Schedule time with your wife.

Sounds like things are a bit out balance with your relationship. She’s not happy and your not happy at work. That makes things really tough. Make sure you set aside some time to have fun and play with your wife. The salsa classes sound incredible! How fun! What a bonding experience. I know there are many, many women that would LOVE for their husband to take dance classes with them. You sound like a great husband. What are some other activities you can do on the weekend that would be fun to do? Also, take at least 15 minutes a day and share with each other in a peaceful, relaxing way. Make eye contact and take care to listen to each other. This is a difficult time, but together you can make it through.

3. Pay attention to the positive.

Gratitude is a sure way to lift your mood and keep you centered in the present so you can experience joy:
What are 10 things you are currently grateful for?

Start a positive “self-dialogue” with yourself:
List for me your three greatest strengths

That’s a good start. Let’s keep talking to get you feeling better!!

I believe in you.

Warmly,

Life Coach Nova

Hi Nova,

Thanks for your reply. I appreciate it. I guess I have sunk into some form of depression as a result of having to make the decision to leave my current job. The people are nice but the stress of the role has got to me. I am now anxious about their reaction when they find out i am leaving. I am a little sad about leaving an industry i have worked in for almost 10 years.

However, I am looking forward to the new role and can picture being happier and regaining some work/life balance.
I have continued my exercise regime and play sports once a week. I also try and get to the gym at least once a week. Alternatively I will try and get outside for regular walks. I will be able to return to Salsa classes once I begin my new job.

In terms of gratitude – I have everything and yet i am still unhappy. I have a house, a job, a wife, family around me…so why am i sad?

Three strengths – I think I am kind-hearted, helpful and organised.

Thanks so much for taking time out to reply to me.

mskm

Hi mskm, you are so welcome. I’m so glad to see you back.

I hear the words: “I have everything, so why am I so unhappy?” so much! A perfect question for a life coach! I believe when the realization sinks in that when you have strived to acquire a standard of life, an accomplished career, the ideal relationship, and you find yourself still not satisfied or depressed you begin to search for “why.”

Happiness is a state of mind. A quality of being. The addition of joyful moments mixed with the satisfaction that you are creating meaning and purpose in your life.

If you define what gives you meaning in life, you are on step closer to finding fulfillment.

It sounds like you have realized that having “balance” in your life surpasses the comfort of staying in a familiar industry. How wonderful you are “looking forward” to your new role…that sounds like HOPE. And I am so proud of you for continuing your exercise program! Good job.

Your strengths: Kind-hearted, helpful, and organized
How fantastic!! You sound so wonderful, your wife is lucky!

Hope and gratitude mixed with getting some exercise will help you lift your mood.

Getting back to gratitude. When you are grateful you are in the present. Try again after your work out to write down 10 things you are grateful for. Let your mind forget any worries, and focus on just that moment. You must be in the now to feel gratitude. Let me know your list!

I am so glad you are with us and working to improve your mood and quality of life.

I believe in you.

Warmly,

Life Coach Nova

Here’s an article on The Path to Fulfillment I think you might like: :)

http://feelbetternetwork.com/articles/230-The-P…

Hi Nova,

Thanks for getting back to me so soon. I read your response and its amazing when you are feeling low how someone’s elses perspective helps one come to some form of realization.

I had no idea that balance was more important to me than remaining within a comfortable industry. Maybe spending 10 years in the industry meant that I had become stale? Who knows! I hope I have confidence however going into the new role.

Once I begin to doubt my ability, this is the trigger point that sets of negative thoughts. That is why your suggested article and some of the methods may be helpful to me. I will make an effort to adopt them!

I told my existing team mates today that I am leaving – they were so understanding about it. I hope I have equally nice team members in my new role.

In terms of gratitude, here are my 10 things:

I am not alone (I have a wife, plus my family around me)
I have enough money to keep a roof over our heads
There is food on the table everyday
I can occasionally enjoy the odd luxury
I have no physical disabilities or pressing health issues
I have a good support network of friends who care
I have my own means of transport
I have a good education
I have plans for the future
I can provide for others

Reading your responses always helps to lift my mood. I learn something new about myself with every reply. Please reply again.

Thankyou so much.
mskm

Hi mskm. You are so welcome. I’m so glad you are with us. I’m happy to help. Great job with your gratitude list! Excellent. :)

You’ve identified that “doubt” triggers negative thoughts and feelings of sadness. When you feel confident to face the circumstances in your life, you will be able to keep doubt away. It sounds like you are making some changes for the better, to place you in a situation where you will feel more capable of achieving balance and the quality of life you are seeking. When you notice doubt creeping up on you – take action right away. Identify that the negative thoughts are coming from doubt. And turn your thoughts to your strengths and gratitude.

That’s wonderful your team mates were supportive. I bet you feel a great sense of relief. This is a new chapter for you. A time to redefine your meaning and purpose. How exciting!

Keep me posted! I will be here for you.

Warmly,

Life Coach Nova

hello,
thanks again for your reply. I am now working my notice period. I still have doubts about whether I am doing the right thing regarding moving job as the salary drop is a fair one. But I think if I didn’t move on, I’d probably feel worse after having passed on the chance to make the move and always wonder whether I should have taken the job closer to home.
I’ve struggled this week on the exercise due to having worked some long hours, but I managed a badminton session this week and plan to go to the gym tommorow.
I’ve also identified a development need. I appear to get nervous when speaking in public to a group of people. This usually ends up with me “rambling on” about a subject whether it be socially or in a work situation. I know I have it in me to do better. As I am so conscious of this, it inevitably hampers my performance at times. Is there anything you can suggest that may help?
Thanks for all your advice so far.
Mskm

Hi mskm. I understand leaving something comfortable to embark on a new journey can stir up feelings of anxiety and doubt. It will help to think about the positive changes that you know will happen as a result of this transition. You will have less time driving, more time with your wife, more time to work out, more time for salsa — more time for fun and balance. It sounds to me like you are improving the quality of your life. Try to focus on all the elements of your life that will feel more satisfying which will give you hope and something to look forward to.

That’s great you fit some exercise in this week. Remember, just going for a 15 – 20 minute walk also counts! Just putting aside the time to clear you mind and get your heart rate up will help lift your mood and relieve stress.

Nerves before and during public speaking are very common. It is most helpful to not fight the anxiety but have a system of tools you can use to lower your nerves and help keep you focused. The more comfortable you feel, the more people will want to listen.

It’s interesting…I do public speaking and the talks where I’m just myself “chatting” with the audience by far are the best. I’ve learned some tricks that work for me before I begin my talk.

Here’s some tips that will really help with calming your nerves and improve your public speaking:

1. Don’t fight the anxiety. Acknowledge that everyone gets a bit nervous, and wonders what will the audience think of me? Are they going to like what I have to say? I know I still do!

2. Say hello and make eye contact with as many people as possible. “Introduce” yourself by connecting with people in a personal way with eye contact.

3. Think of something amusing that happened recently to share with them, something that would make most people smile or laugh – laughter alleviates anxiety.

4. Ask questions! People love to talk about themselves. Thinking about the topic I’m presenting, I’ll ask questions like, how many of you “…?” (ex: want to improve your marriage). And some will raise their hands, then I’ll pick someone to ask to share their personal experience. Just by interacting with the audience everyone (including me) is more relaxed and really interested in what I will say.

When you are already feeling some anxiety, it’s understandable to feel more nervous when you are speaking. Maintaining a balanced life will help steady your nerves.

Keep me posted. I’m excited to see where this journey takes you!

Warmly,

Life Coach Nova

hi again,

thanks for your comments. It always provides me with some re-affirmation that I am doing the right thing. I have 1 week to go now and more people have been informed that I am leaving. They’re all really sad to see me go and have provided some positive feedback to my manager in that I was an great example of providing the link between “Marketing” and “Risk” and always looked forward to the regular sessions I had with them. It gave me a boost but I also realised how valued my work had become to others within the organisation (I never thought I added value in terms of the work that I produced).

As more people find out next week, I am finding it hard talk to them about it. I haven’t exactly been too open about the fact that I am leaving and have left the communication of this to my manager.

Thanks for the tips on anxiety. Its helpful and its something I will take with me into my new role. I don’t start until mid-November so I have a little time-out in between jobs. Some time to relax and complete some DIY at home (if I can…I’m not great at DIY!!)

I managed a gym session on Monday and had scheduled badminton on Tuesday which I had to cancel due to being stuck in traffic coming home from work! I guess this again gave me some confirmation in terms of why I am leaving. However, I am going to go for a quick run as soon as I’ve posted this message.

Take Care, and please keep in touch.
Mskm

Hi mskm, you are so welcome. I’ll be here for you.

How wonderful you received such glowing remarks regarding your work and your value. Brilliant! Take note of how truly exceptional you are, and incorporate this feedback as part of your self-worth. I hope you also realize with this affirmation that you will be exceptional and valued at your new place of employment, and quickly move up.

When you work hard at what you enjoy and have balance in your life, you will be on a path to prosperity and fulfillment.

I’m proud of you for making an effort to fit in your exercise. It will get easier without so much of a commute I’m sure. DIY can be fun! Doesn’t it feel good to complete a project? Working on your home environment is also adding to your sense of balance. It will be nice that you have a break in between jobs. Take full advantage of your time and do things you love and find rewarding. Take care of yourself, re-charge your batteries. And, take this time to create a new life plan for yourself with your new circumstances. The more you envision the life you would like, the more likely you will achieve your Preferred Life.

Keep me posted. I’ll be here to listen and keep you motivated!

I believe in you.

With Care,

Life Coach Nova

hi,

Just to give you an update on where i am. I have now left my old job and have a 2 week break before starting my new role. I’ve spent most of the first day doing DIY and getting organised. However, I still feel a little bit stressed and not totally happy. I still keep on asking myself if I have done the right thing and whether financially my wife and I will be able to cope. I am sure that currently the new role will cover the household expenses and mortgage repayments and we have enough in savings to help in an emergency. (My wife is not working right now but she will find a temp job, she always has)

I am also battling with doubt about my ability….ie will I be able to cope and perform in my new job? I hope I don;t get into a situation as per my previous job where I lost all confidence. I find it hard these days to sometimes make simple, common sense decisions (this may be a symptom of depression), and I have been to see my doctor about it. I don’t want to take anti-depressants and she also assured me that it sounds from everything I have said, I have made the right move, as health and balance is more important than anything else. She agreed that me taking more exercise was better than any prescription.

I think back to the time before I started the job in 2008 and I was confident, happy and a “doer”, I’d get things done! Now, I don’t feel the same way, although I have been told that I’m the type of person who is way too hard on themselves, especially in the role that I just left.

I try to revert back to the gratitude list when I am feeling like this. Maybe the stress is just due to the unknown in terms of the new role. We all feel anxious about the unknown at times.

Can you please give me some guidance?

Thanks always,
Mskm

Hi mskm, I’m so glad to hear from you, thank you for the update. I hear the anxiety in your post. Let’s talk through it, and get you to a comfortable place.

Anxiety is fear of the future. Anticipating what you cannot expect or control. Depression ties you to the past. Past regrets, past anger, sadness that has internalized. It sounds like you are battling with some of each. Regrets of the past, and the anxieties of the future. The key here mskm is to be in the present. Today, now. Only in today can you act. One of my favorite quotes is from a self-psychologist:

I can feel guilty about the past, apprehensive about the future, but only in the present can I act. – Abraham Maslow

Remaining in the present will allow you to experience joy, and become more aware of your strengths and resources to manage the future. You are on the right track in returning to gratitude, as gratitude will automatically center you in the present. When you think of your list though, create a new one — in the present. Write down a title at the top of the page: Today’s Gifts. Then think of what you are grateful that day, now, in the present.

Next, on a new page, write the title: Work-Life-Balance. Contemplate for a moment what that means for you. Write your definition in one or two sentences below. Then write at least 10 ways you can achieve your definition.

Write back with your definitions and details on these lists. I also want to ask, what is the opposite of doubt for you? What word comes to mind?

When you think of the future, what are you most excited about?

Tell me what you hope your new colleges will see in you?

I’m looking forward to hearing back!

With Care,

Life Coach Nova

Hi again,

Thanks for your comments. I really thought leaving my existing role would put an end to the fear and worry that has manifested within me in the last 6-8 months. I think when you think negatively, it becomes so hard to pull yourself out of a negative spiral. But I will try my hardest.

In terms of today’s gifts:

I woke up to my lovely wife this morning.
I had a nice breakfast.
I had time “for me” in the daytime.
I managed to make some decisions around decorating.
My wife has potential work lined up.
I had a lovely evening with friends and some nice food.
I managed to get some things organised for the weekend.

My definition of Work – Life – Balance:

The concept of achieving a rounded life whereby one feels they have the requisite amount of time in the day / week to accomplish the following:
1) a good days work
2) some time for non work related activities that allow for enjoyment

There should be some separation from work and home life. Where work issues begin to affect home life and associated relationships in a negative manner, action needs to be taken to alleviate this.

10 Ways to achieve the definition:

1) Concentrate wholly at work when at work and leave any home or domestic issues to one side.

2) Do not be afraid to ask questions (or be shy) to ask for clarity when things are unclear. Ask for direction if needed.

3) When outside of work, any work related issues should be eliminated from the mind until returning to the workplace.

4) However, this does not mean you are not to mention work at home. At the end of the working day, allow time for reflection that may include discussing your day with a loved one.

5) Feeling good about yourself and your achievements.

6) Feeling fit and healthy (by taking regular exercise)

7) Having a social life and fitting this into your weekly schedule.

8) Being able to take holidays occasionally.

9) Being self aware and able to evaluate your work and home life regularly.

10) Taking some interest outside of work to engage the mind (ie cooking, reading etc)

In terms of the opposite of doubt – opportunity and success spring to mind.

As far as my new colleagues….I hope they will percieve me as being:

The future? At present I don’t feel particularly excited by anything. Its almost as if I have lost a little “spark” due to events that have occured in the last year.

However, I am looking forward to having a pleasant Christmas without the stress of my old job to go back to in 2010.

I do have a fear that everything could go completely wrong and I will end up in a worse position than I am in today. However, I really do not want to follow this path or even contemplate thinking about it.

My mother, friends and family keep telling me to be grateful for what I have and have achieved, as there are so many people in this world who would swap places with me in an instant. I realise this and would like to get back to the position I was in in 2008. I think I loved my old job (pre Summer 2008) so much that nothing would have compared to the new one but unfortunatley the company relocated and I was not able to move with them.

Apologies, I have said an awful lot here. Thanks for taking time to listen and respond to me.

Regards,
Mskm

Hi mskm. Great job, wonderful answers. I can tell you gave my questions a lot of thought and contemplation. Please write as much as you are able, I’m happy to hear from you.

It is not uncommon for people to think that by physically leaving a situation or environment that alone will cease unpleasant or uncomfortable emotions. You mention two strong feelings: Fear and Worry. Place your focus on just the emotions. Anxieties of the future can feel paralyzing at times. If you believe your strengths will match the challenges that lie ahead, your anxiety will dissipate. Here’s where doubt is undermining you…so let’s blast doubt away.

The opposite of Doubt for you is Opportunity and Success — brilliant! How you view the opportunities in your path will create a sense of success. If you view the new door in front of you, as an opportunity to achieve greatness, personal and professional success, that “spark” will return. When you say “events” that occurred in the last year, are you referring to work issues? Was there a significant event personally? For men especially, your career and work has a close tie to your identity and self-esteem. When you love your job, it is much easier to feel satisfied. You mentioned you loved your previous job. What did you love so much about it? If you approach your new job with the attitude that you will be able to create something that you love again, you will find that sense of opportunity that will wipe away doubt.

Focus on projecting the perception you would like your new colleagues to see:
1. Organised
2. Logical
3. Articulate
4. Approachable
5. Friendly
6. Hardworking
7. Capable
8. Sense of Humor
9. Ambitious

Wonderful!! Do you notice how when you envision what you would like in the future — you thought of Ambition? Ambition to me would be the combination of Opportunity and Success. By focusing on your strengths you will feel capable of facing the future and create a sense of balance.

When fear creeps in, return to your strengths, and know you can meet any challenge ahead. You have taken steps to improve your ability to achieve your work-life-balance definition:

1. Focus
2. Being Present at both home and work
3. Time for Reflection
4. Time for loved ones
5. A sense of Pride
6. Health
7. Time for Fitness
8. Socializing
9. Holidays
10. Self-Awareness
11. Personal Growth

I believe you are on the right path. :) You are creating your Path to Fulfillment. When you picture a destination to your journey, what do you see? Having a vision of your Preferred Life will give you that spark back. It’s like a picture of a finish line at the end of the race that helps you gather your energy to sprint and win. Motivation comes from within as well as the rewards you picture. The rewards above are fantastic and will help you created a future full of balance, productivity, and happiness.

Looking forward to hearing back.

I believe in you.

Warmly,

Life Coach Nova

Hi again,

Thanks again for your time and support. Its nice to hear that what i am feeling is common. I’ve really had some bad feelings over the last few days (almost like a hangover after leaving my job). I question myself in terms of “oh my god, what have I done?” Have I swapped one problem for another? Have i thrown away all the hard work I put in during my mid-20’s to get to a comfortable salary and a good career, to risk it all by moving into another job with a lower salary and worrying if I will be able to do the work. I am basically almost starting over again and question whether I was hasty in my decision? I don’t think so, as I thought about it for well over 2 months before tendering my resignation but only time will tell.

You asked me what I enjoyed so much about my previous job (pre summer 2008). I guess I was seen as a component part of the team, a member of the team with a good knowledge of the systems and processes, and ability to match. I enjoyed the fact that I was held in high regard across my peer network and had skills that were marketable (I was the subject matter expert for my area). I could manage myself and deliver objectives in a timely manner as well as coming up with solutions to improve processes. I was also involved in new product programs and development which I enjoyed and had i was engaged with both internal and external stakeholders. Some of these elements will be useful in my new role and they were also useful in the role that I had just vacated.

I also had some form of social life with my work colleagues in the role i really loved. As I was commuting 100 miles a day from my previous place, I had no real social life after work due to the distance (we did manage a few team lunches though!)

When I say events that occured in the last year, yes I am referring to how my confidence levels and inability to switch off from work have led me to become unhappy. I would have trouble sleeping and constantly become anxious regarding presentations and actually speaking to people (through fear of sounding stupid!) I guess my self esteem has been hit hard since Jan. I have made another appointment to see the doctor which may help with the anxiety.

I start my role next Monday, I am feeling slightly anxious, nervous and a little excited but I will keep you posted on how it goes. The first week is induction, so I will be trying to retain and learn as much as possible during this time ( I sometimes have an incessant need for wanting to be able to understand everything straight away…and need to realise that at times, this is not possible and not everyone is perfect).

Thanks,
mskm

Hi MSKM. Wow, I see you are doing some great things with Coach Nova. As I read through your posts, I noticed how much your attitude seemed to improve from note to note, so that is great. Kudos to you!

As I read, I was picking up on a trend….my hunch is that you might feel very nervous, worried, and spend a good amount of time each day criticizing and judging yourself. Does that sound right? If so, tell me more about it, because I have an exercise on being “a critic” that may really help.

You wrote, "I am also battling with doubt about my ability….ie will I be able to cope and perform in my new job? I hope I don;t get into a situation as per my previous job where I lost all confidence. " Tell me more about this, what do you think made you lose confidence in your abilities?

Warmly,
Dr. K.

Hi Dr K,

Its so nice to know there are many of you here to help. Your diagnosis is spot on in terms of the fact that I suffer from nerves/ worry and am very self critical. I’ve been told by colleagues and my last manager to “ease up on myself” as they see me as a person who is way too hard on themselves and as someone who tends to “beat themselves up” a hell of a lot.

In terms of losing confidence in my abilities, with my previous job, this occured early in the year. I guess it was triggered by looking at work completed by fellow members within the department and also looking at the way in which they conducted themselves in meetings, in terms of their candour and confidence in getting their message across and being succint and calm. I somehow began to think that there is an individual within the team that can do the role that I am doing a whole lot better, who is better at conveying a message to stakeholders etc. I felt that I did not “measure up” to the same level. I have now left this role but now I feel as if I may have made a mistake in doing so? Mainly due to the financial aspect. However when I was at work and unhappy, I said to myself and others I’d gladly trade the lucrative salary for happiness and balance. So why have I changed my tune? I am one complicated individual!

I am a fairly quiet / shy person as well, so at times speaking up in front of a group of person does cause me some level of stress and anxiety. I have experienced losing confidence in the past when I was studying at university. I could not cope with writing a thesis at the time (I sometimes have problems with open ended peices of work…so i am told), so I left uni and took a break. I did go back to uni and completed my degree (however the thesis the following year was optional, therefore I opted out from this). It took me 6-8 months for me to get my confidence back and to a point where I considered myself to be reasonably happy. However, I have also found that when I put my mind to something (even if I am feeling like I do above), I am told that I’ve done a good job. I guess I always doubt whether the approach I take with my work is the correct one and the worry begins to hamper my performance and focus.

I now have got to the point where I constantly worry about everything and not just work related things. I thought leaving my job would put an end to my worrying but it may be more deep rooted than that.

Regards,
Mskm

You are very wise and have some great insight into what is troubling you. Specifically, you wrote, “I now have got to the point where I constantly worry about everything and not just work related things. I thought leaving my job would put an end to my worrying but it may be more deep rooted than that.” I think you’re very right.

So there are a couple of things that may help…..

1. The Critic Exercise
Throughout the day, listen to yourself, paying attention to the critical judgments you make of yourself. Write some of these statements down. Then, actively challenge the critic inside your head…fight back and say, “No, it’s not true that I am no good, why would my boss have given me that good review if I was awful?”

2. Counter Statements
If you’re finding yourself telling yourself some very negative things, try writing some counter-statements, here are some tips on how to do that:
http://www.anxietynetwork.com/helpcope.html
http://www.healthyplace.com/communities/Anxiety…

3. Self Help Books
There are a couple that I love and that may be of great help to you:
Mind Over Mood
Thoughts & Feelings
The Self Esteem Guided Journal
The Self-Esteem Companion: Simple Exercises to Help You Challenge Your Inner Critic & Celebrate Your Personal Strengths

4. Medication
You’d need to talk to your MD about what might be right for you, but if your anxiety is worsening, it’s better to go sooner than later. My opinion is that medication is a tool and like any tool, it won’t do all the work for you, you have to work it.

So perhaps with a combination of the above, you can find some of the relief you seek. What do you think?

Hi Dr K,

Thanks again for your comments. I read the links on anxiety and around ANTS. I have talked to others around the ANTS and how to rationalise and put an end to the process of harbouring negative thoughts. I have been coached before in terms of how to deal with feelings of this type in the past which have been useful.

I have the appointment with my doctor tommorow morning so I will let you know of the outcome. However, I still feel like I may have made a mistake now by changing role and accepting less pay. Am I being greedy? Do i value money too much? Or in the long run, have I done the right thing? I guess it is too late to now worry about things that are out of your control and focus on the present which is what I am trying to do.

I just hope I find the new role interesting and fun. What if it is dull and I also become unhappy there? If I adopt a positive attitude then things may be better but if I go in with negativity I guess the inevitable will happen and I will be unhappy.

I remember during my college years I took anti-depressants and felt a lot better as a result. However during uni I came off them as they really were not helping me and I brought myself back to happiness naturally.

Thanks for your time.
Mskm

Hi Mskm. A wise woman once told me, “Stop taking your temperature every two minutes….you’re going to make yourself have a fever from all the work you’re doing checking for a fever.” I think we can extend this advice to you too and say that it’s probably a good idea to just let some of the thoughts you have come and go without worrying so much about them.

You wrote, “However, I still feel like I may have made a mistake now by changing role and accepting less pay. Am I being greedy? Do i value money too much? Or in the long run, have I done the right thing?”

What would it be like to NOT judge the decision you made and to just go with it for right now? To trust that you made the right decision at the right time because your instincts told you that you needed a change?

Yes, please do let us know about how your MD visit goes….you might specifically ask about an SNRI like Cymbalta, because that medication targets both depression and anxiety. :)

hi,

thanks again for the comments. I’ve seen my doctor today and he did not prescribe me anything but did say that these feelings are natural when it comes to changing jobs and that he did not think i was depressed or anxious to the extent that i needed medication. Medication may sedate me and this could hamper performance.

He understood my reasons for leaving my prior role but told me to go into the new role with an open mind and “just see how it pans out” for the first few weeks.

I will take this on board and see how it goes. I have also noted your comments about not too think too much about the decision I have taken. Thankyou. I do feel quite sad at the moment though and feel like i may want to cry. Why is this?

Thanks for your time and help.
Mskm

Hi mskm. Sorry to hear you are having a down day. I understand it can feel overwhelming to be undergoing a lot of change and transition. It’s okay to cry and release your feelings. Did you know that if you analyze a tear drop there are toxins? Crying is our body’s natural way to cleanse out toxic emotions. When you are feeling sad and depressed, you are likely drifting in the past and feeling regret and doubt. It is helpful when you feel overwhelmed to identify your emotions and then assess what you do have control over in the present.

Here’s an article on Coping With Change I wrote that I think you will really like:

http://feelbetternetwork.com/articles/233-Copin…

Read it over and tell me your thoughts and reactions.

I’ll be here to listen and help you through.

Warmly,

Life Coach Nova

hi Nova,

Thanks for responding. I guess I was having an off day yesterday and I think part of it really is down to apprehension regarding starting the new role. I had to wait 3 months before knowing I had the job and starting on Monday. So I guess the anxiety has been building up slowly. However, I have been given some insight into what I will be working on in terms of the project I will initially be involved in. Very different to what I used to do, but I will go in there with an open mind.

Also, being at home all day (which is what I have been doing for the last 2 weeks) gives you a lot of thinking time. Maybe once I start working again, my mind will be occupied on learning new things, meeting new people etc. I have friends coming round on Saturday (i am cooking!), so this will possibly give me some time to chat to them and enjoy their company. Your article gave me some useful insight, thanks.

I think I just need to be more calm, rational and stay in the present (as you said). I will focus on this and keep you posted.

Thanks so much for responding back.
Mskm

HI, mskm,

You have been getting advice from the best so all I can add for you is to take each day one at a time. You know you are capable and obviously your new employer thinks so too.

You will be starting your new job with a clean slate so this is a great time to create your “brand” with the new employer and co-workers as a person who is capable and confident. You will be the one to create that perception. So, focus on how you will present ourself so that you give that impression. Those first impressions are very lasting so you have a chace to set the stage for your future relationships.

Form your posts I can see that you have given this change much thought. Now focus on how to manag perceptions. Think of this as your own personal marketing campaign. This can be very powerful for you and can insure your success with the new job.

As far as your choice to change. It seems like a very wise choice to me. Having had a long career and family, I woudld make more choices that ensure my work-life balance. Those family times are too precious to exchange for an employer who only passes through your life.

Good luck to you. We are all confident in this new beginning.

Coach Edie