5 Secrets of Effective Communication

Looking to make a change in your professional relationships or friendships? If so, one of the fastest ways is to bump up your listening and cmmunication skills. Take a look at the techniques below and give one a try. I’d love to know if these are helpful to you.

Listening Skills

1. The Disarming Technique
You find some truth in what the other person is saying, even if you feel convinced that what they’re saying is totally wrong, unreasonable, irrational or unfair.

2. Empathy
You put yourself in the other person’s shoes and try to see the world through his/her eyes
*Thought Empathy: You paraphrase the other person’s words.
*Feeling Empathy: You acknowledge how they’re probably feeling, given what they are saying to you

3. Inquiry
You ask gentle, probing questions to learn more about what the other person is thinking and feeling.

Self-Expression Skills

1. “I feel” statements
You express your feelings with “I feel” statements (such as “I feel upset”) rather than with “you” statements (such as “You’re wrong!” or “You’re making me furious!”)

2. Stroking
You find something genuinely positive to say to the other person, even in the heat of battle. This indicates that you respect the other person, even though you may be angry with each other.

Adapted from: 5 Secrets of Effective Communication, David M. Burns, PhD, The Feeling Good Handbook

This works well when I’m feeling strong. What should I do if I need a dialogue but my partner doesn’t engage this way?

Hi Gatz. Great question. I would recommend trying to connect with what you think your partner is feeling – is he frustrated? is he angry: is he feeling pushed away? If you can acknowledge how he is feeling and then ask how you can help, that is usually a good way to get someone to open up. Hope this helps!

Do you have any special considerations for listening and communicating effectively w/kids and teens?

Hi Gatz. There are special considerations when communicating and listening to children and teens. DrKathy mentions identifying emotions as a good way to get someone to open up. The same is very true for children and teens; however they may need some help in labeling their feelings. Learning to label and identify feelings for a young child is important to develop good coping skills. An adult can help by teaching the child to identify a feeling.

Ex: Your daughter drops her yummy ice cream cone on the ground and starts to cry. Rather than try to talk her out of her feelings, like “Don’t cry.” Use this as opportunity to teach her how to get through something disappointing by labeling feelings and coping. A good start would be to lower your face to eye level with your child and make eye contact, this communicates that her feelings are important and valid. Then summarize how she appears to feel, “You seem angry.” If you get it right, the child will likely say, “Yes, I’m angry.” While the ice cream cone may not be salvageable, you can talk about how to work through angry feelings. Just the acknowledgment of how she feels will help.

When listening and communicating with a teen, eye contact and identifying feelings are very important. Your response as an adult is equally important. Teens tend to shut down when they don’t feel heard. Open communication leads to a trusting and healthy relationship. A good way to encourage a teen to be open and keep talking is to “reflect” back what they say, rather than jump to advice or a lecture right away. Reflection requires careful listening, and then a summary response of only what was stated. Something like, “So you felt left-out today at the lunch tables.” If you summarize correctly, the teen will likely reply, “Yes, and…” Allowing a teen to work through their feelings will help them learn to cope and be open with you.