Do I have an Eating Disorder?

That’s wonderful Megan! I’m so proud of you!

I love hearing that you are happier! Hooray!

So, when things creep up … please reach out! Even if it seems like a small thing, reaching out will keep you on track and keep you centered on your path. I also love to hear good news!! :)

That would be so challenging to be stuck inside for 6 days with anyone! I am SO proud of you for identifying anger and making an effort to release it in a healthy way. It is not uncommon for food to come up as one of the issues. Here’s the key, food represents much more than just “food.” I have some ideas what food might represent to you besides the obvious, but I want you to uncover what it might mean for you. Next time it comes up like that. Stop yourself and write down FOOD on the top of a page. Then, without second guessing yourself at all if the words fit or not, write down every word that comes to mind underneath. When you are done, circle any themes you see, and underline any surprise words you see. Then report back! I’ll help you decipher the meaning.

Keep doing the anger exercises! Good Job.

Now, the times you wish to go back to starving and not eating … well, that too represents something, and you identified one word already: Power. Also, Control, and Escaping from Judgment. So, when those annoying pulls come at you, stop, and identify what you are feeling. Label the emotion. Then determine, am I needing to feel more in control? Or do I want to escape judgment? Or…

Continue to practice Self-Acceptance. Release what you do not have control over, and let it go. Allow yourself time to nurture and pamper yourself to stay balanced. You ARE powerful!!

I am soooo proud of you Megan.

I’m always here for you.

Hugs. Nova

So I tried writing down food and then whatever followed and I ended up writing like a million things.What I decided to cricle though was: Afraid,Hate,Ugly,Control, and Gain.Words I underlined were Loved, Beautiful, Strength, and Acceptance
I’m not really sure if I did that right.

Hi Megan. Good job!! Yes, you did it perfectly. Isn’t it interesting those words were on the same page?

The “theme” you circled is the voice of ED that you have been battling …

Now, think back to when we talked about “the voice” of ED, and how important it is to separate this voice from your own voice … which comes from your spirit, your soul, YOU. Your voice will only speak positive, loving words. It guides you to answers, whispers intuitions, and will lead you to fulfillment, peace, and contentment.

Your voice is speaking to you clearly when you write! Saying … You are loved, you are beautiful, you are strong, and you are accepted. :) Doesn’t that sound comforting? Food can represent comfort, nurturing nutrition, and give you strength.

From here, know that you can separate the voice of ED and your own voice. When you feel those pulls and anger around food … think back to this page, and separate the “tricks” of ED and your own voice.

You have wonderful surprises waiting for you as your voice continues to grow strong.

I’m proud of you Megan. Keep going, keep striving, keep hope and love close to you.

Hugs. Nova

I think I hit a dead end.

Today they told me that we have to send my mom really far away to rehab for a few months for her alcoholism.I felt bad, but I know she needs it..Then I felt really bad because everyone was so upset and I didnt even shed a tear..I know she loves me btu I never really thought that she loved me like she loves everyone else..

Also I had to get weighed today and I honestly thought I had been doing really great now and everything but then I found out that I lost 10lbs..I really hadnt restricted or anything, no more exercise than usual so IDK..what I don know is that I was happy about it..and Im scared im falling right back down again..I couldnt bring myself to eat today because I was afraid of gaing back that weight

Hi Sweetie. I’m really glad you reached out! I’m sorry to hear about your mom’s struggle with alcoholism. I know you’ve mentioned some trouble regarding this before. The good news is that she is getting help. So, it really is an opportunity for everyone to heal, grow, and gain new coping and relationship skills. Hopefully, your relationship will improve with her treatment and the insight she gains from the program. Rehab can be very helpful in getting an individual to focus on treatment and look within.

Your statements that include, “I feel bad” indicate the feeling of guilt. Guilt will drag you down, so let it go! You are not responsible for everyone else’s feelings, nor your mom’s situation. This situation really provides hope to everyone that your mom will enjoy her life more, and everyone around her as well. Maybe a good way to push guilt away would be to just express your hope to your mom and those around you. You can be the “hope leader.” :)

About getting weighed in: It’s very difficult to not get caught up in the numbers. Usually with patients that have a history of ED, they are weighed turned around so they don’t see the scale. See, the numbers represent “control” — not just weight. So, when you are feeling a bit out of control, as you might with the situation with your mom, the numbers become a physical representation of controlling your life and emotions. Only, we know that following this urge leads to isolation and the prison of ED.

What was your doctor’s recommendation to you?

It’s important to identify what emotions you are struggling with right now:
Guilt
Fear
Lack of Control
And I bet … an under current of Anger

Rather than turning to ED to numb these feelings, lets deal with them. You can do it, and feel better.

1. Let Guilt Go. Focus on Hope.
2. Push Fear away by reminding yourself of how wonderful it feels to be healthy.
Write down three areas of your life that improve when you are healthy and share them with me.
3. Focus on what you CAN Control. Let go of what you cannot.
Write down three goals you are looking forward to accomplishing soon. (what college did you decide on?)
4. After this, do the Anger Exercise.

I bet you feel much better, and also have more to talk about! This is a process Megan, and layers of issues naturally surface at different times. So, know you are not far from your dreams and goals.

I am so proud of you for reaching out here!

I look forward to hearing back.

With Care,

Nova

My doctor said that since I have been training again for softball that I am probably restricting again (which Im not.) I told her I wasnt but she didnt believe me.Then she said that playing softball would most likely result in full blown anorexia again and suggested I didnt do it..I dont care thought because I have waited all year and did what they said, and I am playing softball.

Three things that improved when I started getting healthier are that I could actually train and get better at it because I wasnt to tired;I ws happier and smiled a lot more;and my grades improved.

Three things I am looking forward to are Making the team, going to WVU (probably only for a semester or 1 year until I can go out of State), and graduating.

Hi Megan. Fantastic Answers! Good Job. :)

When your focus is on health and self acceptance:
1. You train better, and get better = Strength & Endurance
2. I wasn’t tired = Energy
3. Happiness
4. More Smiles
5. Grades Improve

Wow!! Very powerful motivation to stay on track I’d say. There is nothing more powerful than your own experience. When you have been personally reinforced with all these wonderful, rewarding benefits you have a very concrete personal experience you can call upon to remind yourself of what you really want in life. The qualities you’ve listed above are the TRUE YOU!! With your voice shining through. Makes me smile! :)

Three goals you are looking forward to:
1. Graduating – almost there!
2. Making the Team – I’m sure you will if you focus on maintaining your strength and endurance. :)
3. Going to WVU – congratulations!
4. Eventually moving out of state

Good Job Megan. My suggestion is to remind yourself everyday of how much your life improves when you focus on health and acceptance. Read over your own words. Since you are training, you’ll need protein and complex carbohydrates to keep you strong. And be sure to stay hydrated. Drink Smart Water or Propell, something with electrolytes and minerals. When you add in more exercise, compensate by adding in one more healthy snack to your day. You are burning a few hundred more calories working out, so you need to balance yourself on those days. An easy way to make sure you are keeping your muscles strong is to have a protein bar a half hour before you work out. Think of it fueling your cells and improving your performance. It’s quick and you can keep it in your bag. Do you have a protein bar you like?

While you are training focus on:

Balance
Strength & Endurance
Happiness
Accomplishment

I know you can do it Megan! You can have it all. You deserve to be happy, play sports, smile, and feel beautiful.

I love hearing from you!!

With Care,

Nova

I guess I could try to eat a little more now, but I really don’t like too. I have never really ate a protien bar but I will take one and eat it in between softball practice and training sessions that way its not just 4 straight hours without anything.

Hi Sweetie. That’s a good start. Rather than thinking that you are eating a little “more,” you are “balancing” your activities with the fuel your body needs to be an awesome athlete. Right? Every athletic move you make, throwing the ball, side-stepping to scoop up a grounder, swinging the bat, running the bases … you are really using all the fibers of your being playing softball. Not to mention you must stay alert to know where the play is, react quickly, and keep focused on the ball. (Can you tell I was a softball player?:)

I am certain if you fuel up before and in between your practice and training you will see such improvement! Do what you are comfortable with. I suggest protein bars because they are so portable and you don’t have to worry about them going bad. Pria bars are good, I think you would be okay with them. But you can pack what you’d like so you have it with you. String cheese and a small apple, yogurt with a little cereal, or a chilled protein drink would be perfect also. Traders has a good chocolate protein drink that comes in a can. The important thing is to get a balance between protein and good carbohydrates so you can play your best.

Try out some options and see what works best for you and gives you the most energy and endurance for practice and training. What a wonderful way to finish up your high school experience. I’m rooting for you! What position do you usually play? I was a pitcher and first baseman and a clean up batter. I loved it. I coached my son in baseball for several years too. I think we have a lot in common!

Talk to you soon.

Hugs. Nova

I will try some of those and see what I feel like I can do.I didnt eat today before training and I could tell I wasnt playing my best and so could my trainer so I will def try.

I was wondering if you played when I started reading that paragraph lol. I play second and right field and I am the power batter on our team.

Hi Megan. It’s great to see you doing so well. I am so thrilled that you are playing softball! I played for three years in HS and I loved it. Except that I tended to knock people down when I slid into home plate…oh well. :)

I am sure Coach Nova will touch base with you and give you some specialized tips, but I wanted to chime in and tell that you’re doing really well and I hope you will continue to take good care of yourself. Your body needs energy so that you can spend energy on the field, make sure you fuel up. :)

Hugs,
Dr. K

Im having a very hard time right now not cutting.
I dont think its working.
I havent been able to bring myself to eat for a few days
and I lost two people today due to seperate events (cancer and a car accident) They were so young 2 and 19.
I feel so selfish right now because before I found out all I was thinking was how much I hated myself and that I needed to stop thinking like that and go eat..and then I found out and all of my problems seemed so dumb compared to what their families must be facing right now

Hi Sweetie. Oh Gosh. I’m so sorry. Tell me about the people you lost, share with me.

I’m so glad and proud of you for reaching out! I’m here, so let’s talk …

Let’s start with with how you are feeling.

Hugs. Nova

The people I lost were so very amazing in their own way.
The little girl helped me realize that no matter how much pain your in..you can still smile
The boy who died today in a wreck was just so nice and caring..no matter what people could go to him

I dont know how to explain how I feel..right before I found out all i could think was this is a bad day but I need to try and not cut..and then now I feel almost like Im having to hold myself back.I just feel so very bad for their families and how much pain they are going through..I also hate myself so much right now..I dont even think words could describe it.

Hi Megan. Oh, that’s so hard. Yes, a lot of pain the families must be feeling. I just lost someone too last Thursday, my Great Aunt, who was my Angel on earth. I will miss her. So, we can relate with one another tonight. It’s hard to make sense out of loss when you first hear about it, especially when they were so young. Tragic. You think of the life they could have lived. And it’s also normal to feel a bit guilty, and that’s what I hear from you. They are gone, and you are having a hard time loving life and yourself and it seems unjust. Right?

What you hate is really the pain Megan. You are wonderful. It’s the pain that weighs you down. When you get the urge to cut, it’s to let out the pain without having to identify it and work through your feelings. I know you have a lot inside that you are fighting. Know that you can work through it all, and in a healthy way.

What would help you find peace tonight Megan?

Write back.

Hugs. Nova

Thats exactly how I feel right now.

As to what would help me tonight.
I decided to just write for a while and it’s already helping.I feel like I could keep going for hours..but I have to get up way to early for that. So Im just going to make myself lie down I guess. I always thought that I just cut for punsihment when I would eat when I got really sick with my ED..but Im starting to realize that there are so many things that make me want to and it all does come down to the pain.Also, thanks for listening..

Always … I will listen.

Yes, writing is a wonderful way to let out the pain and feelings.

I have a few suggestions:

Write a special note to each family of your favorite memory with their loved one. When people are grieving, memories are the greatest comfort. They will cherish the image you have. It will feel good to give something comforting to them.

Write about what it would be like to be free from the pain. Create a story. Describe your life, the freedom, the joys, and unlimited possibilities.

And, you need to eat something. I care about you, and want you to be at peace tonight. Make some soup, a salad, a smoothie. Nourish yourself. You will feel better. Some of the pain you feel is physical. Take that away. Okay??

Dream tonight of everything you are capable of.

I’ll be here to support you every step of the way.

Warmly, Nova

Hi Megan. How are you today? I hope you are feeling better. I read over your posts again this morning and want to point out something very important. The language that you use with yourself is critical. Words are very, very powerful. You mentioned writing out your words as being powerful enough to let out pain. Your own words are more meaningful than anyone else’s.

This phrase stood out to me: " I got really sick with my ED."

Change that right away! Can you see how that phrase creates ownership? Something inside of you? We want ED to be “outside” of you, externalized so we can push it far, far away. One way to externalize ED is through language.

Think of ED as a destructive, tricky relationship. When you feel vulnerable or alone, it’s easier to fall back into its clutches. But, letting ED in will silence your spirit, your voice, your power and lead you to a false sense of security which turns into a prison. Sound familiar?

When you talk or write about ED, catch yourself with anything that “internalizes” and rephrase it to “externalize” ED. Something like:

“When ED is all around me, I feel sick and the need to punish myself.”

This pushes ED outside of you, and also gives you power to feel healthy and accepting of yourself. Remember, Self-Acceptance is what we are striving for. The hardest part of recovery is when things are going well, and you are coasting for awhile. Then you may encounter a trigger, or obstacle, or feel judged, and without being consciously aware of it ED slips back in because it’s a familiar way of coping.

When I work with clients in person, I can spot this right away when we talk by the language they use. Just like your writing. Then I help them with externalizing questions, redirecting them to feel empowered to cope in healthy, loving ways. It’s very important when you feel like you are slipping to reach out right away!! Then we can work to keep you on track before you get derailed.

I hope you found some peace last night and were able to rest. Let me know how you are doing. It’s Wednesday, so I’m online today to chat.

With Care, Nova

Hi
Im better today than I was and made it through yesterday without cutting. Im going to eat when I get home also because I have practice tonight. It’s lunch right now and as usual Im sitting in the lab studying instead. I cant eat in front of people though so I have to wait until I get home.
I do understand what your saying about choosing my words carefully, I try to correct myself but then sometimes I feel like I don’t even care and might as well do it because nobody else hears it. I did end up getting a few hours of sleep which helped a lot. I think that was one of the biggest contributes to my break down yesterday because I havent slept or ate well and I fell like all I ever get to do anymore is school.Sports.training and then go home and worry about studying.

Hi Megan. I’m so glad you are doing better today. Yes, sleep and nutrition are so important. When your body is out of balance, you weaken your resiliency. I’m proud of you for recognizing you need to sleep and eat well.

I understand what you mean when you say nobody else hears it, so I don’t care. That’s why it’s so important to have someone else to support you and LISTEN to your words. Every time you speak up, your voice grows stronger. I’m grateful to be here to listen. :)

I also understand about not wanting to eat in front of others. This is really more about “fear of judgment” rather than food. What helps you push fear of judgment away? Think of a time you felt comfortable eating with someone. What was it that helped you feel comfortable?

School can be so stressful. Lots of pressure these days. Much more so than when I was in high school. Do you have spring break coming up so you can get a breather? Remember, all you can do is your very best. In order to do your best, you need to feel balanced, well rested, strong and healthy. Push aside the pressure of needing to be perfect, and focus on doing your best.

Each day is a chance for a fresh start.

Check in with me later, I’ll be here. Let me know you’ve gotten some good nutrition in you before practice.

With Care, Nova

I cant remember the last time I felt okay to eat with anyone..I havent done it in atleast 3 or 4 years ago..before high school or softball.

I had a salad before practice and even though it wasnt a lot it helped me so much..I felt a lot better afterwards.I will have something small before I go to school tomorrow to.

Hi Sweetie. Pay attention to what makes you feel better. Trust the signals your body is giving you. You need to nourish yourself, your mind, body, and spirit. Listen to your voice. You want to be the true you, free from oppression.

I’d like you to go back over our posts. I want you to read your own words. I want you to remember the journey to this point. Don’t let tricks take over. Stay strong.

Take with you something to have at lunch that you are okay with. Your goal is to have something every three hours. That will help keep your blood sugar steady, increase your ability to concentrate, and improve your mood. Trust me.

Keep talking, and express your feelings. Get them out! Trust yourself that you can identify and feel emotions, and work through them. You don’t have to numb them. I can help you with working through uncomfortable feelings. It is very important to identify what you are feeling and label the emotion first. Your feelings are important and valid.

I am so proud of you.

Don’t Worry
Everything’s Okay
You are loved

Hugs. Nova

Hi Sweetie. Just checking in with you. How are you doing?

:) Nova

Hey,

Im doing good, and feeling much better.
We have our first game tomorrow and Im super excited!
I will make sure I eat because I dont want anything to ruin this for me [=

Hi!

Oh wow, how exciting! I just love how excited you are to play. I loved softball too.

Let me know how you guys do. Good Luck!

I’m so proud of you Megan. Congratulations on being able to play this year!! Stay strong, keep focused, and remember you have someone who cares.

I’ll be here for you!

:) Nova