Do I have an Eating Disorder?

Im not really sure why I did it..I used to do it because I would eat so it was a punishment…I did it yesterday because I was upset I guess..and then started to today but I stopped myself. I just dont feel like myself lately. I think Im stressed because Im doing to many things and have to much on my mind.I am working everyday after school and full shifts on weekends. I am also working out and when I dont get it in I feel like I cant eat. And I still no matter what anyone says cant get that feeling out of my head that I am being a burden. Even if I dont do something wrong I feel like I am bothering someone. The list could just go on and on..its like i feel everything at once attack me and then it brings me down

Hi Sweetie. There’s a lot here so let’s break this down and come up with some solutions. Here’s the feelings that I hear in your post:

1. I deserve to be punished – Guilt, Shame
2. Upset
3. Don’t like myself –
4. Stressed
5. Burdensome
6. Overwhelmed
7. Attacked
8. Down

That is a lot to hold in!!

When you start to feel overwhelmed, like you are in a funnel of negative thoughts, follow these steps:

1. Reach out. Talk, write, surround yourself with supportive people
2. Be true to yourself. Secrets will pull you down and keep guilt and shame close. There is no shame in working through struggles.
3. Do something you really enjoy, that will help you feel peaceful. Give yourself a 20 minute break from any thoughts that weigh you down. Go for a walk, take a warm bath, listen to music under your favorite tree.
4. Make a plan to work hard to build your inner strength. The stronger your spirit and self-worth is, the more resilient you will be. Every day, write down something you like about yourself. If you get stuck, think of an accomplishment you’ve had and what trait of yours allowed you to be successful.

Don’t worry,
Everything’s okay,
You are loved.

Let me know how you are doing …

With Care,

Life Coach Nova

Im doing good.
Trying really hard to start fresh and make everything better. I think I am doing really well too. Theres only one thing that I cant stop thinking I want. I wish that I could just give up and waste away to nothing until I am almost dead..but not dead..like I would never want to die but get just to the point to where I am skinny, beautiful,happy and healthy..but on the brinks of being one step away from not healthy…like I wish I was so sick that people noticed and told me how worried they were. I am not sure if it’s the attention I seek from my family that I dont get or just the feeling of finally being skinny.

Hi Darlin,

What you are describing is the “voice” of ED playing tricks and keeping you held close. It’s amazing how universal this voice is and how it can quietly convince you that it’s okay to waste away, then people will care, then you will get the attention you need. Only the voice pulls into a false sense of security, into a prison where you become more and more isolated.

It is very important right now to differentiate and highlight your own voice. Your beauty shines from your spirit. You attract others with an open energy. Self Acceptance is the key to happiness. I’d really like you to be still and quiet for a moment. Push aside all other stresses, worries, negative thoughts, and purposefully listen for your voice. You will know when you hear the words, because your voice will only speak beautiful and positive words. Tell me, what does your voice say?

If you could have one gift that represents the attention you need, what would it be?

What words do you long to hear from your loved ones?

If you could say anything to anyone without consequence, what would you say?

If you could be free from this burden, how would spend tomorrow?

I’m so glad you are here. You are cared for.

Warmly,

Life Coach Nova

Tell me, what does your voice say?

Well my voice said “your not that Ugly and fat..close your eyes and take another look…this time what you see will be better I promise”…Thats what it told me this morning

If you could have one gift that represents the attention you need, what would it be?

One of my parents to stop for a second just to say I love you..

What words do you long to hear from your loved ones?

…Your beautiful Megan inside and out.

If you could say anything to anyone without consequence, what would you say?

SO many things but I would hope they wouldnt remember after I finished

If you could be free from this burden, how would spend tomorrow?

Being with all of my friends having fun not holding my stomach and wearing jackets all day because of how self concious I am…and most of all I would have a REAL smile on my face..

And PS
Merry Christmas

Hi Megan. Merry Christmas to you too. You are beautiful inside and out. I am so proud of you for being able to push away all the negative tapes and listen to your voice. Practice this, over and over, and you will create an inner strength that truly represents who you are.

When you are ready, I’d like to hear what you would say if you had no consequence … it needs to come out.

Part of listening to your voice is listening and acknowledging your needs, and then expressing them. By doing so, you strengthen your sense of self-worth. You are worthy.

Being real starts within you. While we cannot control others, you can control how you express yourself. I know it may seem uncomfortable at first, but I want to encourage you to express your needs. By using I statements you are taking control of your emotions, you will feel a sense of relief by expressing yourself.

For example: “I feel self-conscious, and need your support right now. It would help to hear the words I love you.”

The best way Megan to push away that Fear of Judgment when you want to hide yourself, is consciously be in the moment. Rather than focusing on the physical, focus on the feelings – how you feel hearing your friends’ laugh, how you feel when you listen, how you feel when you smile … take in every moment of joy and let that spark of hope touch your spirit. The experiences in life are what fill you up with happiness, contentment, and love. Decide to embrace the “experience” of being with your friends and having fun.

Isn’t it interesting how we can be born truly ourselves, and then somewhere we learn it’s not okay to just be real. Understand Megan, this pressure is common, however succumbing to this false sense of security leads to discontentment and unhappiness. You were given a beautiful spirit and you have much to accomplish with your life. You have a purpose, a destiny, and the gift of embracing each day ahead of you. When you are open with your self-expression, you will also be open to receive all the love around you.

I can hear the pain in your words, I can also hear your spirit shining through – you have the strength within you. Focus on letting your voice speak, listen, express your needs, and be truly you … you are beautiful.

Lots of Care,

Life Coach Nova

Well Im not sure if this is what I say..but this is what I think of when I think of that question.

Im so angry at my mom but I feel bad for her at the same time so cant yell at her. I just want to tell her that shes an adult and she needs to start acting like one..not some alchololic slut teenager..also that Im not stupid I know everything thing she does and its killing me inside.
I would also tell my friends that I lied and that Im not okay and I wish I was but Im not…and that they piss me off when they are always making comments about my weight loss and other people but I just brush it off like its nothing
I would tell my parents who havent seen me cry since I was in 5th grade that I cry a lot but Im embarrased to let anyone know..but when they think somethings wrong even if they want to help that they should leave me alone because they just make things worse..Im almost an adult and I can make many of my own decisions.

Hi Sweetie,

That’s a really good start. Thank you for sharing. This is what I hear:

1. I’m angry because:

2. The actions of others tear me up inside
3. I’m not really okay
4. I want to be invisible (they piss me off making comments about weight loss)
5. I feel judgment (above)
6. I feel shame
7. It’s not okay to cry
8. I’d like to open up to my parents
9. I feel alone
10. I need to be understood, I need to be heard, I need to be important, I need to know everything will be okay

I’m really proud of you for sharing Megan. I hear everything you are saying. I understand.

Your feelings are important, and very valid. The first emotion you identified is Anger. Remember the Anger Exercise with the Red Ball? And when you completed it, a flood of emotions came out? This list represents all the flood. It is okay to get angry. I know that as women especially, we get the message it’s not lady like to express anger… have you ever felt that? But, reality is, every emotion we have serves us. Problems arise when we don’t express and process emotions in the moment. A simmer, turns into a volcano when you put a lid on your feelings.

I want you to keep letting out your anger here … you are safe, without judgment, and writing is a very good release. Keep writing Megan. Also, keep doing the Anger Exercise I described before … it will free up energy within you and lift this heavy feeling.

Letting others see how vulnerable you are takes trust. Start with what feels safe for you. Writing here is really good. Feel safe to express yourself, and learn, and find solutions.

I also want to hear about how strong you are. I know you’ve been through a lot, how have you made it through?

Hope, is this amazing energy that lights up a new day. If you could create a symbol for HOPE, what would it be, and why?

I saw an amazing sunset tonight and thought, wow, if God could create such a masterpiece, I can create anything tomorrow. I can love, I can give, I can be joyful, I can share, I can be… Tell me Megan, what can you create tomorrow?

Be inspired. Know you are here for greatness. Honor yourself. And Create Joy …

I believe in your spirit, I know you can make it through, and I’ll be here to listen.

With Care,

Nova

Thats exactly what Im going through

There are times when I don’t feel strong at all..I’m not sure how Im sting because Im so used to doing it on my own and getting over things myself..I guess thats how I am strong.I try really hard to never give up and not let anyone see me down.

Hi Sweetie.

mmm…. I understand. What you are describing is actually kind of a trick. That you must handle things yourself to feel strong. Actually, that leads to isolation which makes problems worse and keeps you trapped with ED. It’s an example of perfectionistic thinking.

Inner Strength comes from self-acceptance. Thinking back on your good days, this strength was with you. Think of reaching out to others as building your “boat” of support. You may be able to swim across the ocean yourself, but sailing in a boat is much less exhausting!

The truth is, we all need others. And hope automatically comes to you when you reach out. You believe there are answers and solutions in doing so. Hope keeps you moving forward. It sounds like what keeps you from sharing more with those around you is a fear of judgment and feeling misunderstood. Does this sound right to you?

What helps to push fear away?

I really like that you pointed out how you never give up. You have the ability to persevere, a very strong quality Megan.

By the way, do you have a New Year Resolution? What would you like to leave behind in 2009?

I’m here for you!!

With Care,

Life Coach Nova

When Im scared or worried I dont care when it is, or what kind of fear it is, I pray. No matter what and I always feel better. I also write a lot. I havent been doing it as much lately but I need to.

My new Years resolution is to get into some great colleges and do great in college where ever I end up. That is one thing that does scare me..Im going to be 18 in a matter of weeks and I dont know where Im going in life, just what I want to be.

Hi Megan. That makes a lot of sense to me! Prayer is an expression of faith. Faith enables you to Persevere. Faith gives you strength and keeps Hope present. Do you have a specific prayer you say? Or do you just talk to God and give Him your problems? There is great strength in prayer.

Yes, writing really helps too. Keep expressing yourself. :)

So, Faith pushes away Fear. Faith is also energy that connects all of us. I’d love to hear a prayer, like your poems, I am sure your words are very meaningful.

College application time is stressful! Deciding where you will go is the beginning of a new journey for you. I recall you mentioned you wanted to be a pediatrician. Is that still in your vision for yourself? Do you want to stay close to home or move away? If you’d like to go to Medical School, a University may be a good choice. Do you have a dream college you’d like to attend?

This is an exciting time, but also a scary time. You yearn for your independence, but it can also feel like a vast land of the unknown out there…

How are doing with taking care of health during this time? Are you eating okay? Getting enough rest?

I’d love to help you solidify your plan.

:) Nova

Hi.

Well when I pray at night I have a prayer that I made up and say it before I can sleep.Only if its something that I am facing then I just pray about that so its not like the same.

I would love to become a pediatrician. Thats my dream, I also really want to get into the University of Virginia..but I dont think that will happen.

My eating is fine I guess. Like its “normal” at times but the more I eat like im supposed to the harder of a time I have. Sometimes though I have a very hard time and still fast occasionlly (like last week)..but Its usually not long before I talk myself out of it.

Hi Megan. That’s wonderful you pray each night. You can always lean on your faith.

Yes, you can go to the University of Virginia!! I’ve watched so many young people stress over getting into college. Do your best, make sure to meet the deadlines, and utilize the counselors at U of V to proof your essay, give you tips, and guidance. Many applicants skip this, or don’t know it’s available. You can go to the University you’d like to attend and talk directly with your own counselor on getting in. They want you there! They want eager, dedicated students.

Remember also, you can transfer at anytime. The first year is more competitive, but after that, transferring is not difficult if you maintain at least a B average. I wish everyone knew this to take the pressure off this first year.

The important thing is to define your goal, solidify your dreams, and go for it Megan!!

Tell me why University of Virginia is a good fit for you? I’m all the way in California, so I’d love to hear about what you would like to experience there.

I believe in you Megan, you can do it.

When you say you “talk yourself out of fasting” can you tell more about that? That’s your voice!! What does it say?

Hugs! Nova

Well I want to go to the UofV because its far away from home which is what I need…but close to my godmothers if I get homesick…if that makes sence. It also has a really good startup program for pre med and a great softball team. California is a long way away!..my friend and I got accepted into a college there but my parents said no..hers said yes.

I dont like talking myself out of fasting but I know that it’s best for me and thats why I do it..Remember how a few posts ago I told you that when I looked in the mirror I felt pretty that day..well I havent been able to see that again and I just wonder how long it will be until I can see myself as pretty again

Yes, that does make sense. You’ve done a good job researching the school, pre-med and softball sound like a great match for you! Yes, I can see that.

What college did you get into here? I know the schools here in CA. :)

It’s great that we can chat together all the way across states! I’m really happy to hear from you and to be a part of your journey.

Feeling pretty … yes, I hear you. I’ve worked a lot on this topic and there are many different strategies and ideas. It is not uncommon to have a distorted image when you look in the mirror. When your physical self represents the turmoil within you, that energy is transferred onto your body. It’s called body distortion and is very common with those that are vulnerable to ED. The solution is really dealing with the turmoil on the inside, so it doesn’t rest on top of your physical self. Knowing that you have the resources to face all the emotions inside you will help you do that.

From what I hear from you Megan, you have a lot of anger inside. I’d encourage you to do the Anger Exercise again. Really search inside for every bit of red, and let it out. When the anger is gone, you free up positive energy within you. And watch… your positive self-image will follow.

Try this … I’ll be here to listen.

Hugs. Nova

Well I got into UCLA early admission and I was really excited because I didnt think I would get in..its a great school and I would have loved to go.

and yes, I will try the anger exercise again tonight before I go to bed and then write about it tomorrow after work if it helps. I do think I have a lot of anger right now…and maybe this will help..On a good note though…I stopped weighing myself for now..That little thing has actually helped me so much because I feel like a weight has been lifted and I dont have to worry anymore..

UCLA?? Wow!! That’s so fantastic. Congratulations!! Yes, it is an amazing University. Well, if you were accepted there, you will likely get into most of the Universities. At least you have that acceptance letter which confirms and recognizes all your hard work! Wow. I’m so proud of you. Depending on your choices, maybe your parents will reconsider, especially if you have a friend near. Or, you’ll get that letter from U of V, and it will all work out that way. :)

I’m also proud of you for getting rid of the scale. Yes, that is a big weight lifted off you. Good job. When you notice something works and is helpful, keep doing it.

I’m so excited to hear about where you decide to go. Yes, do the Anger Exercise, write, and then go to bed feeling very proud of your accomplishments. You are amazing.

:) Nova

Hi Megan.

Have you been doing the anger exercise? How’s everything going?

I’m thinking of you.

Warmly,

Nova

Hi,

I have been doing the anger exercises everyday and they seem to be working. I just feel happier and even healthier when I do them. I have also been eating very well for a while now and it seems like its getting easier. I am also trying to motivate myself to be happier and when I try or “force” myself to be then I feel happier even if at that time I didnt think I would.

Hi Sweetie. Good job doing the anger exercises! I’m proud of you. Keep working hard.

Motivation to be happier is wonderful. I want to caution you though on a few things. One, it is very important to act in ways that are congruent with how you are feeling. Be careful not to “force” yourself into feeling a certain way. Feelings must be expressed and processed in a healthy way in order to feel balanced … finding ways to cope in a healthy way will lead you to be free for happiness to sink in. There is a technique called “Acting As If” and it can be a helpful to get out of feeling stuck in fear, anxiety, or depression. So, utilizing this technique to cognitively move yourself to feeling better can help, but it must be used along with continually identifying your feelings, validating them, and then expressing or releasing your feelings. Emotions come out one way or another, and it’s much more comfortable to face and deal with your feelings as they come up rather than leaving them to face later. When you’ve been numbing your feelings for a long time with ED, it’s natural to tend to push your feelings to one corner, and leave them there. Only, the corner turns into half of you, then it consumes you.

A safe way to face feelings is to identify them, write them down, validate that it’s okay to feel how you do. Then, write down what you need to feel better. Motivate yourself to take action on fulfilling your needs. You will find with practice you can learn to do this automatically and it will lead to healthy copying “maintenance” style.

So, for example: You are feeling edgy, and down. Sit down and identify your feelings: Anger, Sadness, and Alone. Next write down what you can actively do to for each to feel better. Ex: Anger – Anger Exercise; Sadness – Get outside and go for a nice walk; Alone – Reach out, break isolation, and use your voice. When you approach improving your mood in this way, it doesn’t seem so overwhelming.

Every day do something kind for yourself. Practice Self-Acceptance. Let your Spirit shine through. And keep reaching out!

Hugs. Nova

Hi Megan. Just wanted to congratulate you and let you know how impressed I am by all the hard work you are doing. Woo Hoo…keep going and congats!

-Kathy

Thanks. Im trying really hard! [=

Hi Sweetie. Haven’t heard from you in a while.

How’s school going? Get into more colleges?

I’m thinking of you … Let us know how you are.

With Care,

Nova

Hi,

I have been doing really well lately, like really good and I am so much happier…..there is just one thing
I hate that a lot of times I just wish I could go back to starving myself and not eating..and then I hate feeling like I have lost all of my power and wouldnt be able to starve even if I wanted to..

We didnt have power for 6 days and I couldnt go anywhere. When I was stuck with my family I would get so angry for no reason and go upstairs and try to do those breathing exercises and when I would try to think of things I was angry at..food was always one of them. But I really am doing so much better