Do I have an Eating Disorder?

Thank you for such a beautiful insight Coach John. You addressed the topic of Megan’s post so well.

Megan,

I’m so glad to see you back. :)

When you feel like you are sliding back, make an extra effort to reach out and use your voice.

The more you reach out, the more you speak up, the stronger you will be.

I’d like you to define what you hope for the little girl in regards to her perception of herself and her weight.

How do you think she can accomplish it?

Now, can you envision the same for yourself?

Warmly,

Life Coach Nova

I just want her to love herself and to never have to think that shes not beautiful or that shes not loved…If you looked at her you would think that she is the happiest little girl in the world..but its like shes just hiding under a shell…

I am really not sure how she could accomplish this..I just hope that all of the encouragement that we give her helps..

I wish I couild envision this for myself…and somedays I can…but most days I dont..I just focus on getting healthy for sports…even if I still sometime hate getting better

Hi Megan,

Those are great responses.

Your wish for her is to love herself and know how beautiful she is. – Self Acceptance

Encouragement is wonderful. Just like your own comfort words.

Can you define what’s different about the days you CAN envision self-acceptance, self-love, and being healthy? Think back to the last day you felt like this…what did that day look like? Were you thinking differently, were you around friends, outside more…try to put into words what helps you feel better.

I’m here for you.

Warmly,

Life Coach Nova

Hi Coach John. This passage was very touching and so true for all of us:

“I was unhappy for many years and constantly looked for external fixes to make me happy,
then I realized I had to look inside and focus on being grateful and love myself and accept myself for exactly who I am right now, as I am, no matter what.”

Great post, thank you.

The last day I felt really good about myself was before I got sick last week…It was really a beautiful day..and I had just broke my mile record on the treadmille when I went to my room…I just felt really good that morning like I could do anything..but I am not really sure why I felt that day…I wasn’t with my friends or anything…I was alone…maybe I was thinking differently..because I was really happy that day

Mmmm…that’s really good Megan.

You were thinking differently.
You were really happy.
I bet there was also some pride, a sense of accomplishment, and gratitude.

Perfect.

So, how do we create this everyday?

Set goals that you can accomplish and feel a sense of pride each day.
Write down something you are grateful for.
Keep your thoughts positive and focus on creating happiness.

So what are some goals you can set?

When you set goals, it’s nice to include intellectual, emotional, physical, and spirit parts of yourself.

Let’s name one for each:
(Ex: read a good book)

Now list what reward you will give yourself when you accomplish each one:
(Ex: take a warm bubble bath)

Now, try to define a bit more for me what “thinking differently” is for you on your good days.

I’m really glad you are here.

Hugs. Life Coach Nova

Hi Megan. :) I’m thinking of you. How is everything going?

“To be strong requires an inner peace. A peace that speaks of internal joy spoken only by your spirit. Strength is not made of the voices of others, not in the rush of the world around you, but of the quiet peace and contentment of your soul.” – Just my thoughts. :) Life Coach Nova

hi

I am doing really well.
and in three weeks I can begin softball again..[=

So my friend and I kinda both struggled with anorexia
..but we never told each other we knew that the other person
had it..I think that in a way I use to enable her because she would try to always eat less than me..this was something we didnt talk about though..anyway here I am getting better and the other day at my friends cross country meet she broke in to like mini seizures and had to go to the hospital..I feel really bad and everything but in a way I dont mean this to be rude..but i am kinda glad I saw it because if I was thinking of stopping my recovery and then i saw that..it put me right on track if not further..why? probably because it scared me to think that that could be me out there..but shes doing much better now and even trying to recover herself..[=

Hi, toothin,

I’ve been reading your story and am so pleased that you are able to work with Dr. Kathy and Coach Nova. They are both great therapists.

I think it was a blesssing that you saw what your friend went through. Yes, it could have been you. But you were given the gift of an important life lesson so let’s keep you on the path of thinking about a healthy eating program.

You deserve to have a full life and in order to do that, you need to keep your body healthy.

Keep thinking the good thoughts about food and eating and count your blessings. Why don’t you try to be a coach to your friend and get both of you on a healthier path.

Keep thinking good thoughts – wans’t it nice to be happy!

Coach Edie

Hi Megan,

I’m here today! Love to hear from you, please let me know how you are doing today.

:) Nova

Well I just got back from school and remembered that last night you said I should post this on here..

So for the past few days I have been trying to be happy
and what not but for some reason I just cant. I not sure why though..I just feel like crying a lot..My teachers are even
starting to notice and I don’t want to draw attention..I am so tired in school, but I sleep just about every minute that I am
not there and when I am not asleep all I want to do is lay in bed. and worry..I feel like i am fighting off like depression or something..I don’t no if these two things contribute or not but
1. I have been under a lot of stress also because my pageant coach said I had been “gaining” a few(this is because of recovery)and that I need to lose 15 lbs..so I am upset because I dont know if I should lose it or not( i dont want to get sent in trouble with my doctor)2. My best friend who I have been friends with forever is hurting herself and doesnt even realize it..(she was diagnosed with athletic induced anorexia) and like I said I feel really bad because I know she is always secretly competing with me to be skinnier.

As for how I am today..it’s still pretty much the same I just dont feel like I have the energy to do anything..I just feel like sad…But there were def times when I felt happier today..Also you said that maybe I shouldnt do the pageant..but I already got a dress and it’s two late now…So maybe I should just lose the weight and then after I can be more careful..take a break from pageant..and gain it back..or not?

Hi Megan,

Thank you for sharing. :)

When you go a period of time with ED, you begin to numb your feelings. When you break free from ED, it is very common to have a “flood” of emotions. Crying is ok…you are releasing. It is important to add in additional coping mechanisms that are healthy and will serve you well right now.

Writing is a great release. I would encourage you to write a poem about your feelings (and share it if you are comfortable).

Reaching out — keep reaching out my dear! You will push away the isolation of sadness and ED.

Helping others — I hear that you are noticing how others hurt with same pressures you have encountered. Take special care to encourage the health of your friend and emotional well being of the little one in your care. By helping them, you are also helping yourself.

Give — the act of giving pulls out your inner strength. It can be as simple as a nice smile and a hello to someone who needs it.

Gratitude — write down 10 things you are grateful for: a sure way to help you move to the present and lift that sadness.

Exercise — in a nurturing way right now…talk a nice walk, enjoy your surroundings, be in the present and let yourself feel joy.

Music — play calming music in the background. It will help lift your spirits and soothe you.

As far as your pageant. Yes, go, enjoy the experience. But do NOT listen to anyone who tells you anything about your weight. Think of the little 4 year old girl you babysit — what if she was in your position? What would you tell her?? — I bet you would say, you are beautiful just as you are!!

Write your comfort words down again.

Don’t Worry
Everythings Okay
You are loved.

With Great Care,

Nova

Write back! :)

Well I decided that writing a poem would be a good way to get it out..I am not sure if it’s exactly how I feel..but it’s just what came out when I started typing..and it kinda sucks

And she feels drained
Is it worth the fight?
Sadness overcomes her
Her goal seems far out of sight

Wake up to sit and think
Just staring into space
You want it things be different
With smiles on her face

As the minutes pass me by
The tears they will surely show
That this girl feels so much pain
And doesn’t know how to let go

It’s not like she wants this
One would be stupid if they did
She misses her old life
Back when she was a kid

She thinks of all the times
When she had not a care in the world
What ever happened?
To that happy little girl

So what does she do next?
If not soon than it will be to late
Hoping to make a difference
So that her life can again be great

Sadness overcomes her
As somebody already said
She wishes she could fix this
Stop playign mind games with her head

Dear tobethin18
Poetry is a very powerful form of communication.
It touches a subconscious side of ourselves that can give us wonderful insights.

Please don’t let your inner critic tell you your poem kinda sucks. Your is great!

Everyone has that negative little voice in our heads.
Some of the best writers in history thought their writing was terrible,
but they learned how to set aside their critical side until after they let their creative sides out.

I recommend that you write poetry and journal often and have fun with it.
I do it, and I call it written finger painting, I don’t let my inner critic near it until I’m all done playing, with words :)

Stay positive and embrace your healthy needs.

Thank you again for sharing

CoachJohn

Hi Megan,

Thank you so much for sharing your poem. It’s wonderful and very telling.

You know, you have all the answers within you. You really do. The key to unlocking them is listening carefully to your voice, your inner guidance, your soulful knowledge. The more you practice this, the more clearly you will be able to discern your own voice from the voices of others. When I say “the voices of others” I am referring the tapes we get from others, statements, opinions, oppressions that lead us away from our true self. So for example, the idea that a young woman needs to be “thin” to the point of being unhealthy to compete in a beauty pageant… is the voice of another. Your voice will only speak of beautiful, wonderful, positive words to you. Some people call it “trusting your gut” or “your intuition”…I take it a bit further and fully believe if you listen more closely…your inner voice has all the answers. It takes practice and a lot of “lifting away” of the layers of tapes…but it’s there. Your poem, to me speaks of this very well:

The pain you feel results from the incongruence between what you know is true and meaningful for your own happiness, and the pressure from judgment, the story of perfectionism, and the negative tapes. Does this ring true for you?

The mind games – is the constant pull from the voice of ED and your own voice. The more you “externalize” the voice of ED, you will be able to discern your own inner voice and pay no attention to tricks of ED. A good test is to ask, is this a positive, loving statement or thought? Your inner voice, the whispers from your soul will only say wonderful, caring words. Think about your spiritual energy…it is everything positive, everything good, everything engaging…it seeks life, it seeks to give, and it seeks only what’s best for you.

Thank you so much for being brave and sharing with us. Poetry is a wonderful way to express and let out your emotions. You are very gifted. Keep writing, and keep sharing.

I believe in you.

With Care,

Life Coach Nova

Just wanted to say that I am officialy in the normal weight category..it’s kinda scary..but I guess thats progress [=

Dear tobethin18
That’s great. Congratulations.
Coachjohn

Hi Megan!

Thank you so much for sharing! I am soooo proud of you!! :)

What are three things you can do to stay healthy?

What are three choices you can make that demonstrate care and love for yourself?

I would LOVE for you to write a poem about your success.

I am so glad you are here with us, I am appreciative and grateful to be a part of your journey. You have a bright and wonderful future.

You are cared for.

Warmly,

Life Coach Nova

I can’t stay like this.
honestly I am having so much trouble staying at a healthy weight. its like now that I am here..I look so big and Ugly..I dont even see how people can stand to look at me..I dont know if I can do it..I never really told anyone this but now Im not sure what to think of it..A few months back i found this site.(http://community.livejournal.com/24_7_posting/) ..and Started going to it for support with my ed..and then as I started getting better I stopped going to it..Now after just going back there one time..I find myself wanting to purge and fast..I havent but I am fighting so hard..and i am just not sure its worth it..I thought I had “graduated” from here..now I am back.but only for a bit what should I do..help me please ]=

Hi Sweetie. I’m here Megan.

Let’s talk this through.

Tell me what has triggered these feelings. Identify thoughts, feelings, words…tell me.

When I work with people with ED, I am very cautious about “groups” or sites that have all ED “voices” – because our goal is to separate the voice of ED from your own voice. If you are able to discern your own voice, your true self, your spirit, your strength, you will be free. It is difficult to maintain this when all you here is the voice of ED. It is so important to have someone, a monitor, or counselor, or group leader keeping everyone focused on how to be well in addition to sharing. The voice of ED can just suck you back in otherwise.

I am so proud of you reaching out here. I am so proud of you Megan. You can beat this. You can be healthy. You can be free.

I’m here for you and I believe in you.

With Care,

Life Coach Nova

Well I only went back to that site at first to collect my poetry..then I thought well one last look wont hurt. And then as I read through the post and looked at the pics it was like..something was yelling at me..like megan don’t you see how beautiful all of these girls are..they are skinny and perfect..something that you are definitely not..and then I just started feeling so horrible..like worse than I have been..I dont want to feel like this…but i feel like I deserve it for looking the way i do

Hi Megan:

I am Joanna, and I don’t know if we’ve spoken yet. But I do know that it sounds like you’re really, really working hard to feel good and find peace from your ED. This is great.

I wonder if having a mantra, or a phrase you repeat over and over to yourself, when you know you are in a position when you might get triggered could help. Something like “The beauty of others does not diminish my own beauty” (I actually used to say something like to myself when I was a singer back in NYC, lots of gorgeous women!). There is beauty in you that extends beyond your physical body, but also your emotional body, so maybe that’s what you want to include. Your beauty is impenetrable.

What do you think about this?

Hi Sweetie. I understand. Thank you to Coach Joanna for sharing your insight! :) Remember how important it is to “externalize” the voice of ED. What was “screaming” at you was the voice of ED! Your own voice will only speak of beautiful, wonderful, loving words. The voice of ED leads to a prison, secrets, and the suppression of your true self. Your voice will lead you to fulfillment, happiness, and freedom.

Remember – feeling beautiful is really “self-acceptance.”

You are worth this fight. And I understand it can feel like a “fight” at times, battling between the two voices. You can see how powerful it is and that a trigger can pull you back in. But – you are very strong, and you have support. All you have to do is reach out and be reminded of the steps you need to take to stay on track. You can do it.

Remember your comfort words always:

Don’t Worry.
Everything’s okay.
You are loved.

Repeat this over and over until you feel centered. – Coach Joanna was right on track with this!! :)

Listen carefully for your own voice to guide you to health.

Know that your spirit is strong, and you are beautiful.

Let me know how you are doing.

Hugs. Life Coach Nova

Thank you both so much.
I can really relate to what Coach Joanna said about being around other people who I feel are much more beautiful than me. So I am going to try that phrase. and also thank you coach Nova for your kind words and support ..I just love that I can come somewhere and talk

Megan – This type of interaction is literally why this site exists. I am glad to hear that this phrase seems like it could work for you. I like to match a phrase with a visualization, too. So maybe thinking of a circle of these women, “beautiful girls” or whatever the phrase is . . . imagine them holding hands in a circle, and when you arrive, they open their hands and make a space for you. You are part of the world, the world has a space and place for you. You are welcome and loved here. :)

-Joanna