Confused Skeptic

Hi everyone,

This is new for me to be posting on an online counseling website. I’m a little surprised that I’m even here but I feel the need to reach out for advice from a party that is not from my group of friends. I am glad that this service is provided, and encourage it to be continued. Like many others, I feel comfortable typing things out and do not feel comfortable venturing out for help in person (just yet, anyway). I am a little afraid that I won’t be taken as seriously since there probably are so many similar cases to mine out there. It is also a very long read. That being said, I can only try and see what happens, right?

About two years ago, I met a guy, let’s call him J, and hit it off right away. I’d known him through my other friends but then had the opportunity to finally meet up with him and hang out with him for 6 weeks (I was at a professional music training summer institution). We hooked up and I was hopeful that we would get together as a couple right away. He was hesitant to do so, and I didn’t know what to do other than still remain friends and be happy with each other’s company. We continued growing closer, hanging out and sleeping with each other that summer, and even after the summer institute was over.

We’d gotten very close, and I had never felt closer to anyone my entire life (having been in 2 past intense emotional relationships). The problem was, 7 months later, I found out he had not broken up with his girlfriend the whole time. It’s kind of a mystery how he was able to be so discreet about it and get away with it.

Now, it’s hard to setup the situation from here, since I’ve set J up in a negative light for what he did. But, you have to understand where him and his girlfriend at the time came from. I can vouch for him and his ex that they were in a rocky, unstable, unhealthy relationship for 4 years. I know this after talking to her, our mutual friends, J himself, etc. that they were on again off again (they’d broken up twice before). By the time I came into the picture, J and his girlfriend stopped sleeping with each other (only twice within the 7 months that he was with me). I am NOT justifying what he did to hurt me/that girl, but I believe everyone has their own baggage, and should not be judged guilty and placed in a category without knowing their being and true motive.

Nonetheless, what ended up happening was that his girlfriend at the time stormed out, cut him off, and never talked to him again. His girlfriend of 4 years was able to cut him out of her life at that one given moment. I, on the other hand, albeit hurt, still loved him very much so I decided to give him a second chance. I was aware how much of a risk that was but J meant the world to me. Even though he had kept that one (arguably large) secret from me, I can say without hesitation that he and I connected emotionally and spiritually as best friends. We agreed to keep no secrets, and work on being a true couple.

A few months passed, and through spending more time with each other, healing, and learning to trust again, we moved in with each other. I am aware that this was hasty. It went well enough, and I saw a lot of progress on his health as well. He was a heavy drinker (drank every night) and smoker (perhaps 6-7 cigarettes a day) and began to cut down a lot. Soon there wasn’t a bottle of alcohol in sight, and he only smoked outdoors at night.

A year passed, and we were both in a good place. We didn’t argue much (other than couples’ squabble) and also met each other’s families. Sometimes though, out of bad/old habit, he would forget to call me before staying out late at night with his friends drinking (until 3-4am). He does not have a cell phone, and it would slip his mind to call. I tried making it clear to him that I did not like this at all, and would like if he called. He usually went out once every weekend. After talking to him, he sometimes called, then forgot again.

By him doing this, it caused me to become completely scared and irrational. I’ve always been somewhat of a paranoid personality, and being alone at home at night did not help my negative feelings. Even though I knew who he was out with (it was usually only one of his three/four guy friends), I would start thinking, “Oh, what if he’s out with a girl?”, “Why does he want to spend his nights out so late without me?”, etc. Completely unhealthy, untrusting thoughts. Whenever he did call though, I’d feel better, but had trouble letting him know EVERYTIME, right away, why I was upset, since I didn’t want him to feel that I didn’t trust him. He only went out once a week, while the rest of the time, he’d be at home with me or at work. I was being irrational, but he wasn’t helping by giving me no notice before/during he was out until 3-4am.

Then February 2010 hit and I was becoming stressed out from work, and had health issues. I had to take a step back from sex as I was experiencing health issues. J, on the other hand, already stopped sleeping with me as much as he was experiencing his seasonal depression. Through the two years I knew him, his libido sometimes went high for a week, to absolutely nothing at all for 3 weeks. I was starting to feel that we were drifting apart and it was partially my fault. I was also worried at the time about work, having to put on a performance for people in a short amount of time, and dealt with confidence issues. I started saying things like he didn’t understand, and how hopeless my future looked. The whole time I’d just wanted for him to show that he cared, but I think I ended up pushing him away instead by crying all the time.

J started to hang out with one of his good friend’s sister (we’ll name her L). They got close within the month of March and I started getting even more paranoid on the one night he would be out during the week and did not call. This time, I KNEW there would be a girl as opposed to none. J then made the mistake, twice, to leave his email open on my laptop. I was wrong, and started reading his emails that transpired between him and L. They showed signs of flirting (him apologizing for holding her hand after a night of drinking, giving her and her brother a hand massage, sharing a taxi, him loving her company and how funny she is, etc.).

It was becoming a mess really quickly, as I started wondering where he was one day when he didn’t call in the afternoon. I knew that he wouldn’t always be hanging out with her alone, but his opened email showed that he was at her place. I was scared out of my mind because I didn’t see any mention of L’s brother being there as well. The email also said how he’d be bringing her a gift of nice expensive coffee and gin for them to share.

I called L’s brother (since I’m also friends with him), and asked where J was—finding out that the three of them were going to hang out later on. I was invited out by L’s brother (not J) and what ended up happening is that the 4 of us ended up hanging out together. It put some of my fears away, since I’d gotten to be present at one of their meetings as opposed to being left out like I usually was. But the second time J left his email open, showed that the flirting didn’t stop.

After that, it was all downhill. I started checking his emails on my own, since I knew his password.

This was such a bad thing. I know. Privacy is something to be respected. I broke that rule for selfish reasons that ended up paying a pretty heavy price. I just couldn’t stop myself, and reading into EVERYTHING that transpired between J and L. There was nothing that showed evidence that they crossed the line, so it was hard to come out and accuse J of anything. It was me being petty as well, having old fears come and haunt me. I was having a lot of issues trusting J.

I finally came out to him after a month of keeping the email reading a secret. Although he was surprised and upset, J appreciated what I did and told me nothing was going on between him and L. He admitted to having a crush on her initially, but didn’t want anything more because of our relationship. I felt better, but freaked out that he even admitted to liking her a little bit. Our relationship didn’t seem to get much better from there. It went through a week of being better/mediocre, to him being distant/cold due to his seasonal depression (he did not even realize he was being cold).

By this point in May, I felt like we were so distant that we weren’t in a relationship anymore. We weren’t intimate with each other (even though I really felt like I put in the effort), and I still felt like I had trust issues. I was still looking into everything that he was doing (his landline phone’s history, internet browser history, etc.) and it bothered me whenever he talked about L (which wasn’t even often).

Then he fell into a fairly bad case of seasonal depression again, and actually stopped talking to me for four days straight (with the exception of really dead, one-word answers). I felt sick to my bones, and avoided being at home during those 4 days. It felt like he didn’t want me around anymore and I didn’t really even know what was going on in his head.

We had another talk and I told him I hadn’t felt happy in a long time and I wanted out. It came as a surprise to him, but he wanted me to be happy. We had an emotional breakup, but still very loving, as we held each other and reassured each other we would like to remain friends.

It was a bit of a surreal experience. I could not move out right away so we remained broken up, but living in the same place for 2 months. He started to come out of his seasonal depression, and seemed like himself again. Because of that, we tried fighting sleeping with each other, but still did, feeling good and bad after doing so. I know it wasn’t the right thing to do, but we still love each other very much. We just also didn’t want to hurt each other and confuse things even further.

So, August came and I finally moved out. The distance has made things a little better. I still feel miserable though. I’d broken up with him because I felt like he didn’t love me anymore, but that wasn’t the case. I have major trust issues to work out but I don’t even know if it’s salvageable at this point. J’s looking into becoming a pilot and enrolling in flight school next year so he might be gone for a few years. We still call each other perhaps once or twice a week. We’ve also hung out three times on fairly amicable terms. I can’t help but feel like he’s still going to get together with L though.

He told me that he’s been sleeping at L’s place this past week while she’s on a trip and taking care of her cat. He feels it’s harmless, but it drives me to a really angry, offensive place. It makes me feel like even though they’re NOT together, they’re going to get together. Him being nice, making her appreciating it, resulting in him feeding off her positive energy, and so on.

I’ve debated messaging/calling L to tell her everything, and asking her what her intentions are. I know this is not my business, but I can’t help but wonder because I feel J can’t be straight with me. It’s very strange because on one side, I trust him completely as the being I know like the back of my hand, and on the other, there’s a shady figure of J from the past when he cheated on me that I still remember. The shady figure became stronger and malicious with when I read J’s emails.

How do I get rid of that mistrust? Is there a way? Couples’ counseling? Neither of us can afford that at the moment. I can’t have him telling me what he does or where he is every day, since I’m not even his girlfriend anymore. I don’t want to be controlling, yet I don’t even have control over my own feelings.

Another issue is that I can’t get to sleep at night because of this. I cannot relax. I can’t enjoy a lot of things in my life right now. I went through a week of being quite content, but then after being around J, I fall into a really negative space. Why is this? We are best friends. Both of us want to remain that way but are you seriously going to tell me that it is not possible, and that not talking to him for some time is the answer? I feel like me being away will make him reach out to someone else, perhaps L.

It’s just really hard to tell him every time that L still upsets me. I feel like it offends him a little bit every time. He still says that nothing is going on between them and can’t anyway, since he doesn’t want to risk losing the friendship of L’s brother. Whenever I bring this kind of topic up, it damages J and my relationship further.

I’ve been trying to do more things on my own that I enjoy (art, cooking, reading, etc.), but when it comes to thinking about relationships, I can’t handle it. I don’t know if I can ever have a trusting relationship again. I not only feel lonely, but depressed to think that J might end up with someone else. At the same time though, I feel like I don’t really want to be with him right now. My libido is also completely shot. I’m not attracted to anyone, I feel really dead inside. Erotica of any sort does not work, and usually results in me crying.

So…

Please, tell me what’s wrong with me. Because I don’t really even know. More importantly, I need to know what I need to do from here. I am lost.

Thank you for reading this if you’ve stuck with me the whole time. It means a lot to me and I hope we can work something out from here.

Hi M_Who. Welcome to FBN. We’re glad to have you with us.

I am really sorry for all you’ve been through and I can understand why you’d have such a hard time trusting J. After our trust has been broken once, let alone twice, it’s hard to trust someone again. Your feelings are completely normal and really understandable.

You asked how to rebuild trust, well, that’s a tough one. There’s no one, easy way. It’s a bit of a process.

Think of how you begin to trust someone in the first place. You begin by asking them to do small things to show trust (i.e., meet you on time, watch your jacket while you get tickets, open the door, etc.). Then you move on to bigger things. Over time, you gradually increase the difficulty level and importance of the tasks, right?

So, if you wanted to this with J, how could you move forward? What is your trust level like now and how could you give him things to do to prove he is trustworthy?

Hope this helps…look forward to hearing from you.

Warmly,
Dr Kathy