Hopeless and Depressed

Three years ago, I had an illness that resulted in surgery and the subsequent treatment afterwards left me with illnesses that caused me to have to go onto disability. During this time, I have lost my house, my car, my friends, my dignity, my life – my everything. I have moved six times, trying to find some place I can afford, each time getting deeper and deeper into debt…..and depression.

I am at the point now where I am a complete recluse (not by choice). Other than my 24yo daughter, I talk to no one. I go days without ever seeing anyone or speaking to another human being. Before you tell me to be more active and get out of the house – please provide me with the money to do so. I live in a crime-filled area and it is not safe to walk the neighborhood without being attacked. I just bought a car that I honestly can’t afford the payment on and there just isn’t money for extra gas expense for me to go some place that isn’t a necessity like the doctor’s office or the grocery store.

My mother passed away Easter Sunday this year and although I had been cut out of the will, there was an insurance policy that she forgot to remove me from, so there was money to put down on a used car (which has turned out to be a lemon) and I am now struggling to find some type of part time employment that I can do with my disability that will bring in enough money to make the car payment. It is due in two more weeks and I have no prospect of a part time job yet, but I had to take a chance and buy the car so I could start looking for work.

My world is falling apart. I am $400 short of being able to pay the bills – and I am talking about the necessities. I have no credit card bills or any expenses that aren’t for my basic needs. In fact, I have been off my medications for over a year because I have been concentrating on paying just the necessities of basic life.

I just can’t do this on my own anymore and I don’t have anyone to turn to and absolutely no one to help me. I’m tired, exhausted, stressed and severely depressed. I haven’t slept more than and hour and a half for the last three months.

I need a job, I need more money, I need to sleep, I need a friend, I need help. I’m tired – I can’t do this anymore (no – I am not suicidal). I just want all this to end and get my old life back….. I can’t fight anymore. I just don’t have any ‘fight’ left in me. I’m so very tired.

Dear Peniannie,

I am so sorry you find yourself in such a position. But there is help out there. We just need to help you find it.

Firstly, you need to investigate if you can qualify for any state programs. I suggest you see if there is a community clinic in your area. If so, try calling them and ask if they have any one who can assist you in determining if you qualify for any programs. There are agencies who provide resource centers who also can connect you. Also, call 411 and see if there is a hotline for a nearby battered women’s shelter. Call them and ask if they can refer you to someone.

Do you have a faith affiliation? If so, I suggest you contact the church leader and ask if they can connect you with someone who knows of community services that are available. You could also contact the Salvation Army.

As far as a quick job, one suggeston would be to contact a senior center to see if they need somone to assist an older person. Sometimes there are people who just need someone to stay in the home with a senior at night.

Another idea would be to search for an agency that advertises house sitters or dog sitters. Then approach them and offer your services. Often people will pay for you to just be in the house or feed the pet.

Another idea might be to call a local hotel and see if they need someone to provide child care for visitors who want to go out in the evening and not take the kids.

You might also call a local pharmacy or any other serice provider who delivers (other than Pizza) and see if they need someone to deliver. They often look for someone who is reliable.

You have lots of issues that you need to take care of, but you can’t do them all at once. Think about what is most important and focus on that. It seems like you need to get some money to make the car payment. I hope some of the above ideas will help get you started.

If you want to share what state or city you are in, we will see if we can point you to some resources.

We are here to help you. So, we want you to start saying to yourself, “I can get through this! There are people out there who can help me.”

So do you think any of these ideas can help you?

Coach Edie

Some of these ideas may work and I will certainly try them, but I am 45 years old, and falling in between the cracks of a lot of agencies either because of my age or the amount of disability I receive. I have contacted the Salvation Army and they put me in contact with three agencies here in town that all said they didn’t have the funds or the means to help at this time. I’m in Birmingham, AL and the city/county agencies have all been shut down or cut back because of lack of funding. The entire city is on the verge of bankruptcy because of the way it is currently being operated…..a big issue here. I don’t have a church that I go to but have contacted a few in the area, one of which was my daughter’s church because she said they were a very loving church; however, when I called, all they wanted to know was why I haven’t been to church with my daughter and telling me I should be calling her on Saturday night to remind her to go to church on Sundays.

I don’t like the delivery idea though, as that is not a safe option for me. My car is not reliable, and I don’t feel safe doing something like that.

Right now all the issues need to dealt with. I’ve got to get a job so I don’t lose the car and I’ve got to be able to pay the bills so my utilities don’t get cut off and I have food to eat. I have to get back on my medications so that I am able to work once I find a job…..
There’s no way to distinguish which one needs to be taken care of first because they all need to be taken care of first. I am literally weeks away from being homeless because I don’t have the money needed to survive and I have no where to go – and no – I cannot go to my daughter’s, nor is she allowed to even make that suggestion to me…..

I guess none of this matters at this point. My power is being cut off Monday the 17th and I haven’t found a single agency in town that has the funds to help me, nor have I found a church that would pay and allow me to make payments back to them. So my power is being cut off and I won’t have the money to have it reconnected until the second Wednesday of September – which is when my disability check comes in – so I won’t be here for at least a month because that’s how long I’ll be with out power. ~And before anyone asks, no I don’t have any other place to go. I only have my daughter and she and her husband are going through issues and are trying to settle some things before they divorce, and I have no friends at all….. so I will sit here with my two cats in the dark for a month until I can pay the bill….

Dear Peniannie
I am so sorry about your situation.
Have you tried calling 211 for help?
They are a good resource for assistance.
Also, have you tried calling the electric company and asking if they could extend your due date.
Sometimes they will move the due date up a week or two if you call and ask.
Give that a try and let us know how things go.
Best of luck
coachJohn

211 is United Way here and they referred me to several different agencies that didn’t have the funds available to help and referred me to other agencies that couldn’t help for various reasons. The power company gave me a two day grace, so it will be cut off Wednesday instead of Monday. I’m not affiliated with any church in town, so I am just making random calls and getting vague answers, but basically, what it boils down to is the fact that the money is there for members and isn’t there for people on the street.

With this being a weekend (Saturday night as I type this), I’m on hold with calling other places until Monday, but I’m really lost as who to call on Monday because I’ve called all the agencies and churches I know to call. My resident manager has said there’s no problem with me living in the apartment without power, she’s had several that have had to do that, so it’s not like I will be evicted if the power is cut off….

Hi Peniannie. I’m so glad you are reaching out to us. I want to offer you that one glimmer of hope, a light, that sparkle that moves to you and says “anything is possible.” I am an optimist, and I have also seen people’s life moved by their ambission and belief. Let’s shift your thought a bit from the dread of what will happen, to what could happen Peniannie.

If you could imagine your life anyway you choose, what do you see? Who is supporting you? Who is cheering you on? What productivity are you engaged in? Dream…share…open yourself up to the possiblities. Believe in yourself.

We are here for you, and you are not alone. Let us know how you are doing.

Warmly,

Life Coach Nova

The power company gave me one more extension, so Friday is my last day with power. I’ve gone to all the agencies I could find, including 211 and I have also contacted numerous churches in the area, but no one has the funding available right now. I have also contacted LiHeap and I get a recording that basically says they are overwhelmed with phone calls right now so please try your call later…..they do not leave the option leaving a message. I have called repeatedly throughout the day (each day) and just simply cannot get through to them.

Who is supporting me? No one. I honestly have no friends. I’m not saying that as an exaggeration, it is the truth. I only had a few close friends to begin with and when I became ill and went on disability, they slowly backed away and finally just disappeared. My daughter is going through issues of her own and trying to save her marriage and put her life back together. We talk daily and see each other whenever we can (she is only 7 miles away), but her personality has completely changed since she met and married her husband. She has become very selfish and self centered and thinks the world owes her everything – she loves me, and I’m sure she is concerned about me and my situation, but she is not there for me as a support system.

Who is cheering me on? ~See the above response……

What productivity are you engaged in? I’ve been looking for part time work through SSDI’s Ticket to Work program, but have had to put that aside to try to find someone to assist me with my power bill. Plus the fact that I took the last money I had three weeks ago and purchased a used car which has turned out to be a lemon and is not safe to drive at this point. None of my bills were past due at that time or I would have saved myself the agony of buying this car and just paid the bills and just be without transportation. The car was purchased so I could go to work part time because my disability check is not enough to survive on.

I don’t have time to imagine my life anyway I choose. I have to take it one day at a time because everything is falling in on me. I appreciate the fact that you (and the others) have responded to my post – but the honest truth is that I AM alone. I can’t call you and say “I need a shoulder to cry” on or “wanna go walk around the mall?” or “I’m really stressed right now and could use a friend”. How do I contact you after my power is off -I can’t come here and and leave a message – I won’t be able to access the internet without power….that pretty much leaves me alone.

Hi Peniannie. You do have a virtual shoulder to cry on here! I’m glad you are venting and getting your feelings out. I understand how frustrated and alone you feel. I hope it helps a bit to know I care.

You mentioned walking, does that help lift your spirits? I understand when you say I need to be in the now. That’s ok. Sometimes, when you feel like there are no solutions, just reaching out opens your view to see a possibility you may have not seen before.

I read over Coach Edie’s suggestions for quick work, they were all very good. It must frustrating to have not found any assistance in your area to date. I’m curious, if your car is unusuable have you thought of selling it for what you can? If you are getting your disability check soon, at least that is something coming in soon.

It sounds like the electric company wants to work with you giving you extensions. Sometimes, it really helps to go talk to someone in person. Face to face always helps. That may also help with the agencies Coach Edie mentioned. Can you take the bus if your car doesn’t work?

Building a network of support takes some time and effort. It sounds like your unfortunate illness, surgery, and subsequent depression isolated you from the support system you built. I really want to encourage you to rebuild that support system, one person, one channel, one organization at a time. Know each time you connect to someone you are moving in the right direction. You are doing a great job reaching out here. I’m really proud of you.

One way I have found to bring the energy of giving to you, is to give yourself. The act of giving opens up your energy to receive. I have witnessed this over and over. You can start by giving here if you like. Browse through our members posts and offer them a word of support or care, it will start the cycle.

Give and you shall receive.

I know you are someone of value and worth.

With Care,

Life Coach Nova

I can’t sell the car. I took my entire savings of $1200 and used it as a down payment. Since I bought is used, I can’t go back to the dealership and say “fix it”. I have a $3800 loan against the car, so selling it would just be paying off the loan and still leaving me without transportation. The car needs appx $300 worth of work on it. It can be driven, but I don’t because it keeps breaking down. Some times I can get it started – other times, I can’t. I’m afraid of breaking down in an area that isn’t safe, so I really can’t drive the car since I don’t know when it’s going to break down.

And unfortunately, walking is not an option at this time. Normally I am very active and loved being outdoors, I used to go hiking, camping, white water rafting, etc….and I loved to just walk. But that’s not possible at this time. I can only sit up a few hours with minimal pain. After that, the pain goes from minimal to maximum. I am in the process of having test done to determine if an implant would help me with some of my issues (not a morphine pump). And in the midst of having all these test done, my doctor has called me and given me the bad news that I have pericarditis and I’m at a very high risk right now of having a heart attack or a stroke. There were a few other health issues that also lead up to the heart attack/stroke thing and more meds were called in and I am limited as to what I can do, pick up, exertion type things, etc. So needless to say – losing my power is not really helping the heart attack/stroke issue.

I live on the outskirts of town so there is no bus service here – actually, I don’t think the city has intercity buses any longer. The city itself is having major financial problems to due certain departments being mismanaged. Taxis take money – something I don’t have.

I don’t have a disability check coming until Sept 10th – that’s the second Wednesday of the month. I get one check a month and it’s always the second Wednesday.

The reason the power and other utilities didn’t get paid is because I made my car payment and was trying to have a part time job before I had to pay bills. No one wants to hire me. They look at my resume (Accountant) and honestly think it’s a joke that I’m applying for a job as a cashier at a gas station or a cashier at Wal-mart. If I voluntarily return the car to the dealership so I won’t have a car payment. I lose out big time. I have lost my deposit of $1200 and once again will be without transportation and I just can’t do that.

It’s exhausting, both physically and mentally trying to find a balance between the two… I need the car yet I have to pay my bills. I just don’t know what to do anymore and I’m just drained. There are days that I won’t even get out of bed because I know there’s no reason to. Why get up and shower, and get dressed and fix my hair and makeup when the ones that will see me will be my two cats. It’s just not worth getting out of bed anymore……and now that I will have no power – there really isn’t any reason to get out of bed in the mornings….

Hi Peniannie. Health problems can really turn our lives upside down. I’m really sorry you have had such a tough run of things.

Animals can really help us cope. Your kitties sound important to you. What are there names? Do they do anything funny or amusing to lift your spirits?

Ever thought of trying to work at a pet store? Coach Edie may have hit a good potential for you to care for people’s pets. Even if it is some money, you will feel good bringing in more funds, it’s a start. And you will be connecting with people, building your boat of support. There are many people these days who once had high paying jobs and are taking what ever they can. Opportunities arise out of new experiences.

Keep reaching out peniannie. It will get better. Remember the giving philosophy. Try it. Do an experiment and see what happens…

With Care,

Life Coach Nova

I do adore animals and my two cats are my life right now – as weird as it sounds, they are the ones that I talk to everyday. They are very in tune to my moods and needs and they just know when I need them near me. They were rescue kitties and near death when I got them, but after three days in the hospital, they perked up. I got the about two weeks after my soul mate died (my precious Peanut). The two I have now have very unique personalities. Tink is a calico and a little on the neurotic side – she doesn’t warm up to people easily, but when no one is around she is my goofball and makes me smile and definitely makes laugh. My other fur-baby is named after my soul mate, Peanut. His name is Mani, which is Spanish for Peanut, however, I call him Lil Man. He is solid black with the longest hair I have ever seen, He should have been a female because he is such a diva – he will sit in from of a mirror for hours just starting at himself.

My soul mate (Peanut) weighed over 25lbs at the time she passed away. Everyone called her my little mountain lion. They are now two years old and Tink already weighs 15 lbs and Lil Man weighs 17lbs. The funny thin is my 1to grandson weighs 18lbs.

I don’t want to be the crazy cat lady, but right now – they are my babies, my everything. They know my emotions, they feel them as I do and know when I need comfort. They love me unconditionally – unlike my human counterparts.

They actually fight over who’s going to “clean” me hands and arms before going to bed each night.They keep me grounded and it’s the only place I get any love….

That’s wonderful Peniannie. Thank you for sharing. I love animals too. I have two kitties myself. :) I’m so glad they are there for you and give you such comfort. Tink and Lil Man sound completely adorable! Pets add so much to our lives. Peanut sounds like she had a very, very loving home. She was lucky to have you. Your special relationship with them is something to be grateful for, no doubt.

So, in relation to the “giving” philosophy, your adorable kitties are a perfect example. You give your love, care, affection, attention to them, and inturn they love you, entertain you, make sure your arms are nice and clean…Giving and Receiving. :)

Something around caring for animals sounds like it would really be your ticket. I wonder if there is a rescue shelter you could get involved in, you sound like you would be such an asset. The world needs caring souls.

With Care,

Life Coach Nova

Right now, it’s a moot point because my power is being cut off tomorrow and I won’t have the money to turn it back on until Sept 10th. I’ve tried all the agencies, been calling since I got the notice last Thursday and I’ve no response until today. I finally got through to LiHeap and they set me up with their first available appoint, which is September 25th. My home phone service is through Skype, which is on my computer – which takes electricity to work. My cell phone doesn’t work from home because of the location – there just isn’t a good signal in the apartment and you have to go stand in the middle of the courtyard to make a phone call. I won’t be able to cook, or wash clothes, or vacuum or do anything – no internet access, no television. I won’t even be able to read a book because there will be no lights….

I’ve contacted all the agencies and churches and I’m playing the waiting game because no one is calling me back. I’ve left several messages but I just sit and wait…..and I’m not asking for a handout. I’ve told everyone that I will pay the money back Sept 10th when my check comes in.

So – I won’t be able to come here (or anywhere) and vent my frustrations…..or even make some friends…

You don’t know how it feels to be so low in life that no one cares about you and you don’t have one single friend. I’m going to be living in the dark for a month and you know what – —- no one is going to know, because I don’t know anyone. You don’t know how worthless and useless that makes me feel. I am not suicidal, but I could die and there would be only one person at my funeral – my daughter.

I am a burden to her and useless to the rest of the world. And yes – I wish I was dead and once again no – I’m not suicidal. I just don’t want to be here when I have no purpose and especially have no money…. If I died today in my apartment, it would be a week or longer before anyone would find me….that’s my life. That’s what I live with every day – I’m invisible. And starting tomorrow, I will be invisible in the dark because nobody cares. The agencies are understaffed and overworked and the churches just want to help their members and not outsiders like me……

Who am I? I’m nobody.

Hi PenniAnnie. I’d like to give you a loving push to keep trying. When we’re down and depressed, we often feel much like what you descibe: things are horrible, they will never get better, and the world is a bad place. It’s important for you to know that you will not always feel this way, that things will indeed change, and that the person who has the most power to make changes in your life is you!

I hear you: money could not be more tight, power might be shut off, the things you need could be going away. This is a horrible spot to be in and I am sympathetic. However, I again want to push you to flip the way you are thinking about this and instead of thinking “there’s nothing I can do,” start to think, “Ok, I am not happy about this, but what can I do?”

While you still have power, start to investigate places that have free internet access, such as your local public library. Most will let you use their internet cafe for free for a few hours.

While you have access to the internet, continue reaching out to community groups that help people who are in your situation. Have you reached out to any of these groups yet? If so, what did they say?

I know it is frustrating to be on hold, to be waiting on people to call you back, to be stuck in the system, but you know what gets you unstuck? Continuing to be persistent. You’ve called once or twice, and that is good, but keep calling, the more persistent you are, the more likely you are to get help.

Ok, tell me more about which rsource groups you’ve reached out to and we will take it from there.

Warmly,
Dr. Kathy

Here it is October 31st and I am in the same predicament as I was in August. I have searched on the internet and have made call after call, trying to get assistance. The only thing I get is “the run around”. Each agency will refer me to another, which leads to another agency referral and so on….

My health issues have not improved and I have had many tests and have had to cancel just as many. My primary care doctor is furious with me because I cancel the tests, but each one that she orders has a $300 co-payment. Her angered response to me is that I should be thankful that all I have to pay is $300 because it’s a $15,000 test. I finally got really irritated with her condescending attitude towards me and point blank told her that if she would make my car payments that I haven’t been able to afford to make for the last three months ($600) and my car insurance which got cancelled for non payment ($150) and the remainder of my pet deposit that my resident manager is requesting ($200), I would be glad to continue to run up $300 co-pays for the tests that she wanted to run.

I’ve already had a CT scan and an MRI and a Spinal Block and have cancelled two other tests because of the costs. I am supposed to go to an oncologist Nov 6th and I don’t even have the $30 co-pay or enough gas in the car to do that. Plus, the Spinal Block did not last 4-6 months like it was supposed to and I have already cancelled one appointment with the ortho because of the $30 co-pay. Now I can’t afford to go reschedule that appointment either. I am currently listing items for sale online to see if I can come up with enough money to put gas in the car and go to the oncologist. I have not officially cancelled that appointment because it is for my first round of meds and is going to take several hours. I don’t want to cancel until the last moment because it will take too long to reschedule, but the oncologist is another thing I cannot afford to do financially, but also cannot afford to ignore.

I ended up going to a local “check-n-go” type place to borrow money to get through the month back in August. It is a vicious cycle that I have no idea when I will be able to get out of. I borrow $500 and repay $587, but the I have to turn around and borrow the $500 again to try to keep the bills caught up. I knew it would be a cycle like this when I did it, but I had no other options at the time because utilities, etc were going to be disconnected.

I have contacted the loan company regarding my non-payment status and have told them I would like to relinquish the car to them so it would not have to be repossessed. They said I can’t relinquish it and they will sue me and garnish my wages instead of hiring someone to repo the car and sell it at auction. I had already checked with a lawyer who told me they cannot garnish a disability check, so I have no idea what is going to happen with the car. What I do know is that they are harassing me 24/7. They call 7 days a week, starting at 7am and continues until 10pm at night with anywhere between 5 to 15 calls a day during that time frame – and I seriously mean 7 days a week. They take no breaks on weekends. Want to talk about increased stress? Well, this is doing it. I haven’t even bought a tag for the car because I haven’t been able to afford it and don’t want to waste the money if I’m losing the car. I’ve had it since the 26th of June.

It’s hard not to be negative at a time like this especially when there is no one to talk to and doors just keep getting closed in your face. But I am alive and my grandson spends the night with me at least twice a month, which brings me great joy and even greater sorrow. When he leaves, I break down crying every time, because that means I’m alone again – just me and the cats.

I contacted a lawyer the other day and talked to her regarding my current financial situation and wanted to know what my options are at this time. I won’t go into details simply because everything she was telling me to do was ‘shady’ and didn’t sound morally or legally right. I called no other lawyer. Later that afternoon, the manager of the storage unit that I have called and said she had a lawyer friend that called her and told her I was having financial problems and she wanted to know, before she cashed my check, if I wanted to get my stuff out of storage by the 31st and then she would tear the check up. This lawyer that I don’t even know and did NOT hire to help me, has called this manager and given her private information that had nothing to do with her. Want to talk about that stress again?

Once again I won’t have the money to pay all the bills – I never do, but what got cut off last month – I’ll have reinstated this month, while something different gets cut off this month, but that’s my life now…….that’s the “positive” in my life – - something will be reinstated even though something else gets disconnected. Oh, and let’s not forget the impending arguments with my doc when she finds out I’ve cancelled yet another test. I can only imagine what she’s going to say if I have to cancel the oncologist…..

Something I said in my original post:
“I need a job, I need more money, I need to sleep, I need a friend, I need help. I’m tired – I can’t do this anymore (no – I am not suicidal). I just want all this to end and get my old life back….. I can’t fight anymore. I just don’t have any ‘fight’ left in me. I’m so very tired.”

It’s been two months since I made that statement and honestly, I don’t know how I make through most days. I’ve lost interest in everything…even the stupid computer games I usually play to pass the day. You can’t imagine how long the day is when you can’t concentrate enough to read a book and TV bores you and the internet takes too much effort and you only sleep for a few hours. Half the time I don’t even know what day it is. I have to set alarms to remind me to take medications and keep a calendar open on the computer to remind me what day it is and that I have actually taken the right meds on the right day. I look at something that needs to be done and will just say to myself “later, no rush – no one’s going to see it but me” and a week later it’s still sitting in the same place and guess what – - – no one saw it but me……

But the saddest part of my life – the cats have actually have started “answering” me when I talk to them and I have imaginary conversations with myself all day and all night. Pathetic.

Hi Peniannie. I’m glad you are back. You have friends here to talk to, so join us anytime, we are happy to have you here and care about what you are going through.

Have you read the book, “Man’s Search for Meaning” By Viktor Frankl? I would highly recommend you reading it. Viktor Frankl was a psychiatrist who endured years of unspeakable horror in the Nazi death camps. During his time there, he learned to survive — mentally and emotionally — in times of great isolation and deprivation. He would have “imaginary” conversations with his wife to keep his mind focused during times of complete isolation and distress. — Your post made me think of this book. I first read this book in an Existential Psychology class in my undergraduate program. I STILL have my original copy sitting right next to me on my book case in my office. That’s how inspired I was by this book. Out of his suffering, he developed “logotherapy” which is taught now all over the world. Viktor Frankl suffered, but he in turn inspired many, including me. His basic premise is the belief that man’s primary motivational force is his search for meaning.

It can be helpful during times of great trial to gather inspirational stories of people who have survived, and then came out stronger. For many, I’m sure surviving the death camps seemed impossible. But for Frankl, he was able to maintain unconditional faith.

Reading someone else’s journey can elevate our own sense of faith. My definition of faith is believing in what you hope for. First — there must be hope, their must be gratitude, their must be a sense of giving. Faith will merge with you with this emotional presence. I know you are asking now, but I have nothing, how can I give?? You can. You can even start here by browsing through posts and just offering some care and concern to your fellow members, I know they would love to hear from you. You can give by extending a smile and a warm hello to someone. You can give by caring for your cats. :) Give and fill your heart with generosity.

I care very much and I’m very proud of you for reaching out!! Write often, and let us know how you are doing.

With Care,

Life Coach Nova

It’s sounds like a very interesting book that I would definitely be interested in reading, Coach Nova but as I stated, I don’t have the concentration span right now to read and comprehend and retain what I am reading. I love reading and even though I have had to scale down my personal things because I lost my four bedroom house and I now live in a 1,000sqft two bedroom apartment, I still have three bookcases filled with my favorite books that I refuse to donate to local libraries/charities because I usually love reading them again and again, and filled with books that I have yet to read. In turn, I have given away three huge bookcases and donated the books that filled those cases. I have searched the internet for “Man’s Search for Meaning” and can’t seem to find a place where I can get the book for free. I don’t even have the money for gas, parking and co-pay to see my oncologist this Friday, so I definitely don’t have extra cash to purchase the book. I will keep the information, however, for later use, should my situation improve. If I had extra cash, it would be spent buying my daughter a birthday present this month or Christmas presents for my grandson or more importantly, groceries. I’m kind of tired living off oatmeal and Cheerios for the last two months. “Real” food would be wonderful right now, especially a nice hot cup of coffee in the cold mornings.

I have tried calling local mental health clinics, but they are regional and you can only go to the one in your immediate area to get “free” help, otherwise you are charged a full price. The MH Ctr in my area does work on a sliding scale, but because I have my income from disability, I do not qualify for free services and once again I don’t have the extra money for gas, parking or payment.

On a lighter note, my female cat has been “talking” to me incessantly for three days, to the point of waking me during my few precious hours of sleep, driving me crazy. I now see what I have been doing to them and it’s not a pretty picture. Even my usually silent male cat has been tapping my face with his paw, in the middle of the night, to “converse”. I see now that I am not the one being driven crazy by the isolation, but rather the cats that are being driven crazy by me from my isolation. I guess I should take more ‘cat naps’ to give them a break more often.

And before you congratulate me for being able to find humor during my time of suffering, please note that I always use humor and/or sarcasm to hide pain – both physical and emotional. Having been brought up in an abusive home, you had to find ways to hide your true feelings so you would not be beaten. A simple “wrong look” could result in beating, bleeding and bruises at any given time. I’m 45 – it’s a hard habit to break when you don’t know who you can trust.

But do understand that I appreciate the information you have given me and would love to have the book eventually one day. It does sound very inspirational and something I would enjoy reading, but anything that involves money or driving/gas/parking is out of my reach. I’m currently sitting here counting down the days for my disability check to arrive so I can have the gas reinstated, and really wishing I had that cup of coffee to warm me up.

Faith is something I don’t have. Faith is something that I lost a long time ago after spending years praying for the abuse to stop and it never did. My abuser finally died Easter Sunday this year which gives me great relief and also great sorrow. I cannot grieve the loss of my mother, because my mother and abuser are one and the same. My faith and trust, however, died many, many years ago.

Hi Peniannie. You can purchase “Man’s Search for Meaning” for just one cent plus shipping on Amazon. Get it! It will be inspirational to you.

I want to challenge your statement that you do not have faith. You tie faith in connection with abuse — Tell me more. What did you go through? What did you pray for? How often are these memories with you?

I believe in you, I’m listening, and I care.

Warmly,

Life Coach Nova

I definitely do not tie my faith to my abuse – it is, however, tied into the fact that I prayed for patience and understanding as to why we were being both physically and mentally abused and for the abuse to stop. If it was supposed to be a test of faith and patience, then I failed the test because waiting 45 years for the abuse to stop is not my idea of faith and I don’t have much patience. I finally managed to stop the physical abuse when I was 12 by an unsuccessful suicide attempt which brought it to the county’s attention; however, from that point on, the mental abuse seemed to magnify. These memories are with me daily and have been my entire life and I have never had a successful relationship because I have never learned how to let go of them. With every move I make and every decision I make, I have that “little voice” in my head that still says “that’s stupid” “you’re worthless” “you’re ignorant” “you’re unworthy” “you’re invisible”
“you’re expendable”. When I was raped – that somehow was my fault because according to my mother, if I hadn’t been modeling, I wouldn’t have gotten raped when in reality, I was at a local BBQ in town with a group from our church – not modeling. When I got cancer for the first time (I’ve just started my 5th go-round) that was amazingly my fault too because no one else in our family has ever had cancer before. And each subsequent time it has recurred, that was also my fault because I didn’t enough of one food or ate too much of another. Just the act of breathing became a stress for me because I was sure I was doing that wrong too. When it took my dyslexic daughter four years to get a two year college degree, that was also my fault because no one in the family ever had dyslexia and my daughter was the result of my rape. I think you see the pattern emerging here.

The one thing I was not responsible for was my father’s death. No, that was the fault of the United States Government because they gave out cigarettes to soldiers in their ration packs to smoke or trade during the Korean War. So instead of it being my father’s fault for taking up the habit or my fault just because – I was actually relieved to find out the US Government caused that one. I did however, cause my mother’s death this year. She died of a disease she has been fighting since she was 35 and has also been the cause of death for almost every female in our family for the last four generations, but according to her Will when she purposely disowned me, her “early demise” was due to the unnatural stress caused by me. No female in my family with this disease has ever lived past the age of 55, but I killed my 73 year old mother.

But enough of that – I think you can see there is an issue of no self esteem as well as no faith.

I just checked Amazon because that is one of the first places that I started my research on the book and couldn’t believe I had overlooked that price, and the least expensive one listed is $3.10 plus shipping. There is some MP3 called “Searching for Meaning” that is 99 cents, but again – even if I could get the book for 99 cents plus shipping, that would be enough money to cover the cost I need to cover parking fees should I come up with the money to go to the oncologist Friday. I honestly don’t even have 99 cents in my checking account right now, so unless my personal items sell on CL, I will be staying home Friday. I do have the information on the book in my “to do” book and will get it when the finances improve. When I find myself getting excited that I’ve accumulated enough change off the floor/under the cushions to buy a $1 sweet tea from Mickey D’s, there is definitely no extra money for books unfortunately. I’ll have to ask the Book Fairy to get it for me for Christmas, maybe. I don’t believe in Santa but I do believe in fairies (and demented humor)!

P.S. I did look up logotherapy in Wikipedia and read information on the Viktor Frankl Institute website and I definitely want the Book Fairy to bring me the book.

Hi PenniAnnie. You have had so many difficult experiences and through many of them, you have managed to work your way through. This tells me you are an extremely strong person. Your last post was an extremely important one, you started to drill down and get to the root of some of the things that are hurting you. You have been profoundly judged and criticized in the past, in addition to having survived one of the most emotional hurtful criminal acts.

So let’s take a two-pronged approach:

1. Since you are a very bright woman (you have some good insights in your posts, so don’t fight with me and tell me you are not bright); what advice would you give to someone in your situation? Knowing what you know now, how would you tell someone to go about making things better?

2. It sounds like you live with a very harsh and judgmental critic inside your mind; one who is constantly evaluating what you do and what you say. Can you tell me about this critic?

OK – I’m going to start with #2 – because other than the fact that I will not argue with you about me being bright (Quite intelligent, actually) I honestly don’t know right off the bat what I would “say” to someone in my situation. I know what I would do, because I have helped many people in my situation….which is one reason why my savings account wasn’t larger when I needed it – I didn’t “say” anything – I “did”. I did whatever I could to help them out, physically, financially, or whatever – but I found it best not to give advice to someone as a friend, if I had not experienced it. There was no way I could empathize with them and they didn’t need my sympathy. And I definitely was not professionally experienced to give them advice, so I did the only thing I knew to do….. I “did”.

Well, I guess that is my answer to #1 – - onto #2: To tell you about this critic that is now in my head. It is the echo of 45 years of mental abuse and brain washing. My mother died Easter Sunday – just six months ago. I was not allowed to see her in the hospital and I was banned from the funeral (which is a novel within itself). Closure? I think not. I’m pretty sure you can take anyone who has been mentally imprisoned (i.e. mental abuse, cult situations, etc.) and the longer they are in that position, the longer it takes to undo the damage or “reprogramming”. I would be ignorant and also lying to say I felt no emotions when she died. I was horrified, elated, bereft, relieved, saddened and happier than I have ever been. I was there in the hospital when she died. I was there for my daughter. I was in town for the funeral – I drove 750 miles to be there for my daughter. I kept my then 8-month old grandson while she and her husband went to the funeral and then I drove 750 miles back home. I now live 7 miles from my daughter instead of 700. I still have all those emotions. The bitch that beat me until I bled is dead and somewhere along the line, I lost my mother. But now – - now my mother is dead, too and I never got to know her.

So, to answer #2 – the very harsh and judgmental critic in my head is the bitch that beat me, because I never knew my mother but I can’t imagine any mother ever saying or doing those things to their child.

I haven’t had a decent night sleep since bringing up these buried feelings and the nightmares are taking their toll on my physical health. I have had to postpone my treatments with the oncologist from today until next Wednesday and hopefully the nightmares will subside before then.

Any idea how I can get a decent night’s rest, especially since I only sleep a few hours a night as it is?

Hi Annie. Thank you for sharing that. I think for most of us, the critic that lives inside of us is one of our parents. I know a lot of folks can relate to your sentiments. In fact, in reading your responses, I thought about a dear friend who might have written the exact words you did.

So to answer your question about how to stop the nightmares and how to recover from the abuse you suffered, we need to do a couple of things….one is more short-term, one is more long-term…..

Short-term, please keep writing (whether on the forums here or in My Journal, which is in the tool section) and plan to spend some time each night writing about your feelings. I’d recommend that about an hour before you go to bed, you spend about 20 minutes writing, then 20 minutes doing something relaxing (like a hot shower, a bath, or meditating), and then before you go to sleep watch a relaxation video (I love the ones from TwentyGems – you can see them for free on YouTube).

Long-term, we need to find a way to forgive your mom for the horrible things she did to you. I am not asking you to forget what she did or to say that what she did was “ok,” but rather to find some ways to start letting go of the anger you have for your mom. It sounds like your mom had some serious challenges…so let me ask you this….what are some things you could say about your mom that would explain (not excuse) her horrible behavior? Was she sick? Was she in pain? Was she abused herself? Tell me a little more…