Miche Smith and Dr. Kathy Nickerson 17 What happens when the prince or princess of your dreams goes from Charming . . . to Alarming? Are there ways to tell if your partner is really a frog at heart? Yes! Potential abusers share a history of common behaviors. Here is a brief list of signs that His or Her Royal Highness might just be a frog—and a potentially dangerous one at that.   1. The Royal Highness wants to get too close, too fast. Really, is anybody that interested in the fact that you just spent the last two hours waxing? Dangerous frogs are! Potential abusers will listen to anything you have to say in the early days of the relationship, from your plans for the future to your entire grocery list. This their way of gaining your trust. Beware: that trust may be used against you in the future.   2. The Royal Highness calls and texts excessively. A line from the recent Broadway play Defending the Caveman says it all: “He doesn't have that many words to use during a day." When someone who’s new in your life has texted you five times before 11:00 AM, a warning light should go off in your head! If you 'd like to test this to see if it is a warning sign to controlling behavior, don't call/text the Royal Highness back immediately and see what happens. If Royal Highness continues to text and call, that’s not being nice. That’s not respecting your time or boundaries; it’s pushy. The Royal Highness may use sweet words like, “What's wrong, Princess? I've texted you three times and you haven't texted back.” Those words simply diffuse the issue of control and are designed to make you mistake this behavior as an act of caring, rather than a tool for control. Abusers are very interested in power and control, and they want to know, as early in their relationship with you as possible, if you’re the kind of person they can “keep in line.”   3. The Royal Highness has a keen ability to see your vulnerabilities and make you feel safe. . . . or so it seems. At first, the Royal Highness swoops into every distressing situation with answers to your problems and reassurances about your weaknesses. Of course, that feels great—here’s someone you can depend on, who’ll be there for you through thick and thin! Right? Well, yes, in a healthy, long-term relationship. These types of feelings should take months to develop, not days. Abusers become very skilled at finding your vulnerable spots because they want to create a dependency that later allows them to control you.   4. The Royal Highness immediately says, “I want to be your hero.” Those actual words may leave a future abuser’s mouth during the courtship. It’s important for you to know that there are no Knights in Shining Armor; while there are many wonderful potential partners out there, anyone looking to be your “hero” is someone you should approach with caution. Keep your eyes open. It’s not enough to talk the talk, your partner has to walk the walk, and walk pretty far before getting to any destination worth visiting. Anyone who keeps telling you he wants to be your hero or wants to go to great lengths to help you, especially if you’ve not known each other for very long, is trying to ease you out of depending on yourself and ease you into depending on him or her. Again, doing this establishes the power and control imbalance that abusers thrive on.   5. The Royal Highness Advertises the Palace, whether it exists or not. A new partner wants to whisk you off to Paris for the weekend. Or, your latest love interest says, “I can’t wait until we are in Fiji holding hands—everything will be perfect.” These are lovely images, but at best, they are escapist fantasies; at worst, they are steps in the dance manipulators do for us.  Everyday life isn't perfect; that isn't reality. Instead of looking for perfection, ask yourself: is this person steady, dependable, and trustworthy on the big stuff and the small stuff?   6. The Royal Highness needs to be right, all the time. You can look outside and say the sky is blue and the frog will insist it is actually azure, not true blue. Future abusers gradually eat away at your confidence without you even noticing. Worst of all, you will start to trust your abuser’s judgment over your own, and because this happens so gradually, you may even find yourself asking for his thoughts and advice on the most trivial matters. If you find this happening, don’t blame yourself. Recognize what’s happening and start to pull back.   7. The Royal Highness has no close friends. If someone you just met spends all his or her time devoted to you, what does that say about the rest of the person’s social life? A lack of friends or close relationships with others is an indicator of trouble and inability to form healthy, long-lasting relationships.   8. The Royal Highness constantly finds fault with your friends and family. If no matter what your friends’ personal, educational, or social status, they are all somehow defective in your partner’s eyes, a warning bell should go off in your head. Abusers routinely isolate their partners from family and friends. This is because anybody or anything that weakens your reliance on the abuser is a threat. So if your new Mr. or Ms. Charming can’t embrace even a single person in your life, guess what? You probably have found a frog. 9. The Royal Highness has an opinion about everything you do, say, and wear. Abusers gradually start to take control of your life. Why? Because the more you need the abuser, the less you need anyone else. And if we take it one step further, the less you need anyone else, the less likely you are to talk to other people about how you’re feeling, and the more likely you are to stay with the abuser even when you’re miserable and in danger. Frogs start out with subtle comments, like, “That shirt look nice on you, but that other one, it really looks great, you should wear that.” Sounds like a compliment, right? But before you know it, you’re afraid to get dressed without consulting your partner.   10. The Royal Highness keeps you walking on eggshells. We've all heard the eggshell expression, but may not know when we’re doing it. If you feel you are constantly watching what you say or do to try to please your partner, you are walking on eggshells. If you feel like you spend a lot of energy trying not to make your partner angry, you’re walking on eggshells. And if you live in fear of setting off mysterious triggers that might bring about your partner’s rage, you are without a doubt walking on eggshells. It’s important for you to know that eggshells are not a foundation to support you: they break, they hurt, and they will injure you. If you find yourself walking on eggshells, run like hell off them! It’s important for you to know that abuse starts out subtle and becomes more severe over time. If you are in a new relationship and find that any of these signs apply to you, we encourage you to reach out, talk to one of our experts on FeelBetterNetwork.com, and get some advice from an objective person. If you find yourself relating to most of these signs, it’s likely that you already know you are in an abusive relationship and may want to leave, but don’t know how. Leaving is a process, and we’re here to support you, as are many local domestic violence shelters and groups. Nearly one in three women finds themselves in an abusive relationship at one point or another, so if you’re now discovering that you need help, you’re not alone and how you feel is not uncommon, so reach out to the non-frogs in your life and let them pull you out of the mud. <p>What happens when the prince or princess of your dreams goes from Charming . . . to Alarming? Are there ways to tell if your partner is really a frog at heart? Yes! Potential abusers share a history of common behaviors. Here is a brief list of signs that His or Her Royal Highness might just be a frog—and a potentially dangerous one at that.<br />  <br /> 1. The Royal Highness wants to get too close, too fast. Really, is anybody that interested in the fact that you just spent the last two hours waxing? Dangerous frogs are! Potential abusers will listen to anything you have to say in the early days of the relationship, from your plans for the future to your entire grocery list. This their way of gaining your trust. Beware: that trust may be used against you in the future.<br />  <br /> 2. The Royal Highness calls and texts excessively. A line from the recent Broadway play Defending the Caveman says it all: “He doesn&#8217;t have that many words to use during a day.&quot; When someone who’s new in your life has texted you five times before 11:00 AM, a warning light should go off in your head! If you &#8216;d like to test this to see if it is a warning sign to controlling behavior, don&#8217;t call/text the Royal Highness back immediately and see what happens. If Royal Highness continues to text and call, that’s not being nice. That’s not respecting your time or boundaries; it’s pushy. The Royal Highness may use sweet words like, “What&#8217;s wrong, Princess? I&#8217;ve texted you three times and you haven&#8217;t texted back.” Those words simply diffuse the issue of control and are designed to make you mistake this behavior as an act of caring, rather than a tool for control. Abusers are very interested in power and control, and they want to know, as early in their relationship with you as possible, if you’re the kind of person they can “keep in line.”<br />  <br /> 3. The Royal Highness has a keen ability to see your vulnerabilities and make you feel safe. . . . or so it seems. At first, the Royal Highness swoops into every distressing situation with answers to your problems and reassurances about your weaknesses. Of course, that feels great—here’s someone you can depend on, who’ll be there for you through thick and thin! Right? Well, yes, in a healthy, long-term relationship. These types of feelings should take months to develop, not days. Abusers become very skilled at finding your vulnerable spots because they want to create a dependency that later allows them to control you.<br />  <br /> 4. The Royal Highness immediately says, “I want to be your hero.” Those actual words may leave a future abuser’s mouth during the courtship. It’s important for you to know that there are no Knights in Shining Armor; while there are many wonderful potential partners out there, anyone looking to be your “hero” is someone you should approach with caution. Keep your eyes open. It’s not enough to talk the talk, your partner has to walk the walk, and walk pretty far before getting to any destination worth visiting. Anyone who keeps telling you he wants to be your hero or wants to go to great lengths to help you, especially if you’ve not known each other for very long, is trying to ease you out of depending on yourself and ease you into depending on him or her. Again, doing this establishes the power and control imbalance that abusers thrive on. <br />  <br /> 5. The Royal Highness Advertises the Palace, whether it exists or not. A new partner wants to whisk you off to Paris for the weekend. Or, your latest love interest says, “I can’t wait until we are in Fiji holding hands—everything will be perfect.” These are lovely images, but at best, they are escapist fantasies; at worst, they are steps in the dance manipulators do for us.  Everyday life isn&#8217;t perfect; that isn&#8217;t reality. Instead of looking for perfection, ask yourself: is this person steady, dependable, and trustworthy on the big stuff and the small stuff?<br />  <br /> 6. The Royal Highness needs to be right, all the time. You can look outside and say the sky is blue and the frog will insist it is actually azure, not true blue. Future abusers gradually eat away at your confidence without you even noticing. Worst of all, you will start to trust your abuser’s judgment over your own, and because this happens so gradually, you may even find yourself asking for his thoughts and advice on the most trivial matters. If you find this happening, don’t blame yourself. Recognize what’s happening and start to pull back.<br />  <br /> 7. The Royal Highness has no close friends. If someone you just met spends all his or her time devoted to you, what does that say about the rest of the person’s social life? A lack of friends or close relationships with others is an indicator of trouble and inability to form healthy, long-lasting relationships.<br />  <br /> 8. The Royal Highness constantly finds fault with your friends and family. If no matter what your friends’ personal, educational, or social status, they are all somehow defective in your partner’s eyes, a warning bell should go off in your head. Abusers routinely isolate their partners from family and friends. This is because anybody or anything that weakens your reliance on the abuser is a threat. So if your new Mr. or Ms. Charming can’t embrace even a single person in your life, guess what? You probably have found a frog.</p> <p>9. The Royal Highness has an opinion about everything you do, say, and wear. Abusers gradually start to take control of your life. Why? Because the more you need the abuser, the less you need anyone else. And if we take it one step further, the less you need anyone else, the less likely you are to talk to other people about how you’re feeling, and the more likely you are to stay with the abuser even when you’re miserable and in danger. Frogs start out with subtle comments, like, “That shirt look nice on you, but that other one, it really looks great, you should wear that.” Sounds like a compliment, right? But before you know it, you’re afraid to get dressed without consulting your partner.<br />  <br /> 10. The Royal Highness keeps you walking on eggshells. We&#8217;ve all heard the eggshell expression, but may not know when we’re doing it. If you feel you are constantly watching what you say or do to try to please your partner, you are walking on eggshells. If you feel like you spend a lot of energy trying not to make your partner angry, you’re walking on eggshells. And if you live in fear of setting off mysterious triggers that might bring about your partner’s rage, you are without a doubt walking on eggshells. It’s important for you to know that eggshells are not a foundation to support you: they break, they hurt, and they will injure you. If you find yourself walking on eggshells, run like hell off them!</p> <p>It’s important for you to know that abuse starts out subtle and becomes more severe over time. If you are in a new relationship and find that any of these signs apply to you, we encourage you to reach out, talk to one of our experts on FeelBetterNetwork.com, and get some advice from an objective person. If you find yourself relating to most of these signs, it’s likely that you already know you are in an abusive relationship and may want to leave, but don’t know how. Leaving is a process, and we’re here to support you, as are many local domestic violence shelters and groups. Nearly one in three women finds themselves in an abusive relationship at one point or another, so if you’re now discovering that you need help, you’re not alone and how you feel is not uncommon, so reach out to the non-frogs in your life and let them pull you out of the mud.</p> 2009-10-28T22:49:48Z 271 kiss_frog.jpg