Is He Hurting You?Author / Source: Mary Jo Rapini, licensed psychotherapist Category: Relationships |
I read with sadness this week about Rihanna who was in the hospital after having a fight with her boyfriend Chris Brown. What struck me is the way Chris Brown is now claiming Rihanna started it. He claims she was cheating and arguments escalated to a point where he “hit, bit and left her on the road in shock”. Unfortunately, this happens more frequently than it should. Many of my patients are in abusive relationships and have stopped caring about themselves. They are at their lowest point and don’t know how to get out. Many of them are married with kids and the kids have to watch this helplessness and fear. Chris Brown himself was a child subject to abuse. It’s difficult when you see a man (dad, step dad or boyfriend) beat up your mom or friend. You don’t know what to do, especially if you are a child. You live with that anger and sense of helplessness only to repeat it with your own girlfriend or spouse.
Currently one in five teens report that they have been in a serious relationship where they are pushed, slapped or hit by their partner. This particular study (Love is Respect—a national teen dating abuse organization) reported that a fourth of respondents said their partner pressured them to stop spending time with family or friends. This is a “hallmark” of abusers. They feel like they have more control over their partner if they can isolate them.How do I know if I am dating a person who will become physically abusive?
1. Has he (I say “he” because the majority of abusers are men) ever trapped you in a room and not let you out?
2. Does he make gestures that are aggressive such as raising a hand or putting his hand over your mouth?
3. Has he ever thrown anything at you?
4. Does he hit walls or slam doors?
5. Does he rage while driving or when you are telling him how you are feeling?
6. Has he ever hit anyone you have seen or hurt an animal?
7. Has he ever restrained or held you down?
8. Has he ever shoved, hit, or grabbed you?
9. Does he talk with anger and swear frequently?
10. Has he ever threatened you?
Abusive people usually start with isolating you. Actually you may feel flattered and that he loves you so much that he wants you all to himself. Don’t be fooled…this will not last. He actually wants to control you.
How do I get away from an abusive relationship?
1. Remind yourself that this person is not being honest with you. He will tell you it won’t happen again or he was under stress, etc. No matter what degrading names he calls you do not let yourself believe these things. He is trying to humiliate you so he can control you further.
2. If you are a teen tell your mom or someone you trust. It is better if you tell an adult. This is not something you can fight on your own. If you are over 25 or a mother tell your doctor. They will help you report him.
3. Make a plan and tell two of your best friends what that plan is and where you will be. Make sure you can escape quickly. Pack your things (and or your children’s) and put them in a safe place. Do not tell the abuser where you are going.
4. Do not look back. He will tell you that it is your fault, but remember that no one can cause another person to hurt you. He has a problem managing anger and the only option for him is to get help.
5. Recognize this person has led you to believe you are nothing without them. You actually will be so much better without him. The road to recovery is not easy, but there will be people to help you. Just don’t go back!
6. Counseling is so important for your healing. It will be important to find out why you thought you ever deserved this sort of partner and to begin rebuilding your self-esteem. No woman deserves this type of relationship and no child should ever have to grow up in it.
If Chris Brown’s mother could have gotten this advice when Chris was small, he may never have turned to hurting a person he supposedly loved. Children become what they see and hear, even if it is negative.
Mary Jo Rapini is a psychotherapist specializing in intimacy and relationships. She works in Houston, Texas at Methodist Hospital, maintains a private practice, and is a renowned lecturer and author. For more information, please go to : www.maryjorapini.com
